Balancing Cycling and Marriage
 

I'm 54 years old, married to the same woman for 29 years, I've been cycling for the last 5 years and we've been empty nesters for the last 4 years. Things have been getting rough with our marriage, so we went to a therapist. It's not our first time, and it has helped a lot in the past. My wife definitely has issues she is going to address now, but her biggest problem with me is how much time I spend either cycling or doing cycling related activities. That may include coming here, checking routes for potential rides, reading about cycling and social events with my local cycling club. She complains that cycling has become an addiction for me. While I don't think it has, it is plausible.

This came out because I wanted to start training again for a few century rides this coming fall/ winter (I'm in Florida). I've cut my cycling way back to 150-250 miles a month for the last six months instead of the usual 100 miles a week. Life just got in the way the last few months.

So the question is how do you balance your cycling activity with your marriage and family? I would still like to do three to five century events each year, but I'll need to train more than I've been riding recently to do that. I have considered going to bed by 9PM, waking at 4AM to be on the bike for 90 minutes before I get ready for work at 6AM three times during the week. I have also considered getting up at 4 AM on Saturday, out the door at 5AM for two hours prior to my group ride that begins at 7:15AM. This would get me home by about 10- 10:30 for the rest of the weekend.

How do you manage your time to do both? Is it possible?

There is no balance. Wife comes first.

"Cycling has become an addiction" sounds like it's covering up the actual issue(s) troubling your wife. I'll guess that "addiction" means bicycling takes up a lot of your time, but is that really the underlying issue? If you didn't ride at all for, say, a month or two, what would you do instead with the time that you normally would be out riding? Would you and your wife do stuff together? Would you take care of household chores that she now needs to do because you "don't have the time"? Would you go on a trip she's been wanting to do for years and now you can because your empty nesters? Etc.

Or is it the money you spend on bicycling? Your wife thinks it's excessive, you can't afford it, it should be spent on the kids/house, etc.?

I've been married about the same amount of time, and usually when my wife complains about something kind of general ("bicycling has become an addiction"), there's other, more specific issues at the root of the problem.

Ditto what others have said, as well have you considered getting your wife interested in cycling ?.

Mine does not want to and she's always been very supportive and understanding, but I reciprocate. As much as I wanted to bring a bike on a trip to Ireland last year, or tomorrow on a driving trip, I opt not too so as to have a vacation with her, not me off somewhere on a different vacation essentially.

My wife also see's that if I haven't gotten a ride in a few days a week I'm a grumpy SOB, where as I'm as nice a guy you could meet after I get back from my morning ride. She likes me better when I'm not grumpy.

Bicycling COULD be an addiction. Addictions come in all forms (it doesn’t have to be hard corp drugs or alcohol).

Sounds like you have some great ideas to still be able to ride and then have more time for your wife. Early morning rides, etc,etc.

find out what her trigger points are and come up with solutions (could be riding a little less but let’s hope not)

be careful out there in the early morning if you go with that plan

250 miles a month doesn't sound like you are overdo8ng it. Obviously better time management can help.

I ride about that, but we also have a 7 year old daughter, which cuts into lot of riding time.

Maybe your wife wants you be inactive and obese? What does she do for sport or fun?

Maybe the online bike time or upgraditis can be a problem, but you didn't sound excessive in that. I'm online when I do domething else, like watching movies or so. So it doesn't really steal time.

Unless you neglected to mention something important, it sounds like you do not do much wrong.

I have another activity that takes me out of the house a lot -- playing music. A similar topic comes up on web forums for musicians. One common piece of advice is: "Your spouse needs to get her own hobby." This can be easier for some than for others.

It doesn't have to be the same hobby, and maybe it shouldn't be. For instance, suppose your spouse gets into cycling but doesn't want to ride fast on roads. That's pretty unnerving to most people. Then you'll never be able to train at a level that you prefer.

My spouse got into running. She now runs multiple marathons per year. Sometimes these events overlap, for instance, I can ride my bike to one of her events and meet her at the finish line. One thing you can do is, when you're not out on the bike, take care of **** that needs to get done, so your spouse actually has time for a hobby, and let your schedule be flexible around her interests.

My wife has always been supportive of my bicycling and spending money and the cost of everything else. With the exception of being in the dog house for spending to much money when we were younger. She told me I could sleep with my bicycle over the cost of it a few years ago. I have an IGH and a Gates Carbon Drive so I accommodated her several times by putting it in the bed next to me. I admit it wasn't as warm and cushy. But it didn't bark or bite either. She saw me drying it with my towel and got angry until I told her I also used my washrag to clean it first. Her face became very red. I love that color on her. We have been married almost 35 years. I play with my wives emotions sometimes so I can get to the bottom of what is bothering her. She has always been more tolerate of problems than I . She is the glue that holds our relationship together. If you have been married as long as I have and do not know what is bothering your wife than you need to get to work on it real fast. My wife had some issues from the past when we first married. They had nothing to do with me directly but I had to take care of it for her because she couldn't handle it.

I married an athlete. She is basically a gym rat although we both used to speed skate and play hockey on a mixed-gender team. She does her thing, I do my thing, and we do our things together. We both have utmost respect for the other person's time engaged in activity, and a healthy respect for any REQUESTS to be together, even if we might have to skip a workout here and there.

FYI, I have taken off on month-long bike tours while she guarded the homestead. She visits friends in Seattle and other cities for 2-weeks at a time and I stay home in case there is a hurricane I have to deal with (secure the house, load her car, and save what I can). Never happened but she leaves at the peak of hurricane season so it is very possible.

Give and take. It helps that we both have things we love outside of the marriage so there is understanding. And we both get grouchy if we miss too many workout activities. So there is healthy avoidance behavior happening as well. Nobody loves a grouch.

100 miles a week is, what, an hour a day? If you have a sedentary job like most of us, that's barely enough exercise to keep you from completely falling apart. Diabetes, heart disease, and a plethora of other health issues await.


The best thing for my cycling hobby has been my wife's knitting hobby.

I found a woman that was loves to cook, clean dishes, vacuum, dust, laundry, make the bed, mow the lawn and shovel snow. Shez usually mad at me so I go for a bike ride till she settles down.
Oh wait, I do half those things sometimes willingly. But we've been married 40 years. We've both been so busy with life and work all this time she doesn't begrudge me the eight to ten hours a week I spend alone with my new hobby.

Hopefully you've dropped/reduced some vices since taking up cycling (smoking, drinking, gambling, weight gain from eating too much, getting angry...), be sure to remind them that cycling is a big part of those things being curbed for you. Send the spouse links to articles that show how beneficial the endorphins (released via cycling) are to your mental health.

You could start an expensive hobby, like boating or classic cars. or you could start hanging out in bars and meeting other women for a hobby if she doesn't like you cycling.

As u mentioned getting up early is how I do it on a Sunday morning I'm up and out the house by 6am and by noon I'm home and put my 75 or so miles in. And still have the whole day for the wife used to put 3 to 4 hundred miles a week in and also got up by 5 am on weekdays home by 8 and out to work for 9. Also did alot to help out around the house so my wife couldn't play that card that she has to do everything I cooked dinner even did dishes among other things but she would conplain at times like you said that it's almost like me having another girlfriend the amount of time spent on biking stuff Through the course of a week

Don’t listen to me :lol: if I said something be sure to do the opposite.

I'm very fortunate in that arguably the best ride around here is my commute to work and back. This is about 22 miles of rural roads, 1/4 gravel, and loads of climbing (about 3000 ft total). It is a lot easier to justify a ride if it is commuting time.

Dogs
 

Do you have dogs?

If not, and your wife isn't allergic, get two dogs. Her pick.

Dogs make excellent fill-ins for children of empty nesters. Or near empty nesters.

My wife treats our two dogs like children since our actual children no longer need mothering.

You’ll be way more miserable divorced, then cycling less, just sayin.
Tim

Short Answer: Rowan and I met on a cycling event and have been cycling together ever since.

I'll get to the longer answer a bit later. We've just finished hosting a 400 km randonnee ... so we're a bit tired.

OP, our stats are close. I'm 55, been married 27 years, the big difference is that I was way into cycling before I met her in 1989. She's not athletic, so getting her involved isn't a choice. At one point I did have to give her the speech - that she cannot fathom how important it is for me to ride at certain times, particularly at the beginning of the season. I have a hard time seeing it from their perspective - cycling is a great sport both physiologically and mentally. Any changes in the last five years since you've started cycling? Weight loss, fitness, circulation? The benefits are top notch and the alternatives could be much worse. You could become a hardcore NASCAR fan instead [no offense to the left turning folks :) ] or go bowling every Tuesday and Thursday. And what about other sports? Think hunting, fishing and golf don't take up much time or money? Tell her you want to look into buying a car to take the track a weekend every month or so.

It's commendable you're looking at changing your schedule (riding early), but don't get up at 5 to get 2 hours in before your group ride. That's counter-productive. 250 miles a month is not much, my norm was usually 125-150 per week when the season was in full swing. I know lots of people that ride 6,000+ miles a year.

One thing you can do is limit the non-riding activity. How much time do you really need to spend on the interwebs? Especially when you're with her? When you're eating dinner with her put down the phone.

Note that some of my response would change if you weren't an empty-nester. Kids throw a monkey wrench into the equation. But I have a 26 year old daughter and we're doing ok.

So much for cycling as a cause for infertility.

:lol:

Lots of advice from fools in this thread.

A wife doesn't need a hobby or dogs. She needs a husband who spends time with her.

If her husband doesn't spend time with her then she is going to get herself a different husband who will.

Wife comes first. Everything else is secondary to that.


-Tim-

Which would you rather live without: cycling, or your wife?
Answer that question honestly, and you’ll be moving in the right direction. Life is full of tradeoffs.

At one point in my life, I cut back on cycling to spend more time with my wife, and I was happy to do it. It helped strengthen our marriage. But things change. Eventually, I gave up one of the world’s best jobs and semi-retired at age 54 so that my wife could pursue her high-level career. Now I ride about 200 miles a week, and she is always encouraging and supportive. In fact, this year she encouraged me to buy a nice new bike, so I did. She sees all of this as my reward for having given something up for her. Oh, and she’s also a lot younger than I am, prettier, and good in the kitchen and in other rooms. God, I am lucky. Sorry, what were we talking about?

A lot of the local guys and gals find early morning rides effective - there's even an early (5-5:15AM) group ride three days a week. It allows people to get a ride, help with kids in the morning, get to work, and still have family time in the evenings.

As far as marital issues, I have nothing to contribute.

Same with my SO. I'm also a bit grumpy if I don't get my ride!

Someone said that to me awhile ago. I said well look at China. They ride a lot of bikes and they have a population in the billions.