Well don't get too frustrated at us. It's too hard to keep all the events together correctly from one post to the next. And again you are the "wacky human" of your thread title. Your experience is too far from anything I have known.
If you feel you've given GI doctors a fair shot and taken medicine for heartburn and reflux, then what about an allergist? Perhaps is there something you eat or drink that you are allergic to that inflames your esophagus? Or maybe something in your environment?
And then the fact you've mentioned your spouse has similar issues. Was there something up with what you both ate or drank several years ago? Does any other member of that event have similar?