Exactly. This gets right to the heart of the issue, which is the OP's irrational insistence that saddle bags have no place on a "proper" road bike (which presents another question: Whether or not any of us are riding on "improper" road bikes !!
)
A saddlebag is simply a tool, brought to us by the proverbial Mother Of Invention (necessity), and is no more out of place on a bike, than pockets are out of place on blue jeans, or a glove box is out of place in an automobile, or an overhead bin is out of place on an airliner, or drawers,closets,attics and basements are out of place in our homes, etc.etc and so on, and so on.
Anyway, the OP could try one of those triangle-shaped frame bags. I have one on my mtn bike, and really like it. Not sure if the OP finds these an abomination,too, but they hold a lot of stuff, securely, and closer to the center of gravity.
Something like these.....
(I may pull the trigger on this one, myself !)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07K8QKMHP...f-4b85b1506dc1
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0725RVWPQ...4-2dbce0cc0929