Find a cheap-ish road bike - you know the kind, big clearance and brakes, tubing of no account. Make sure it's from the mid 80's when components were styled like soap bars and no one was buying road bikes any more. Also make sure it's a size too big. Replace the handlebar with one from an old Schwinn 3-speed. This won't fit in the handlebar clamp, so buy a stem that costs a hundred dollars that will. The stem will be a foot long, that and the XL frame correct the geometry from the townie handlebar. Replace anything that says Shimano with vicious prejudice, but the replacement also has to be Japanese. Tell everyone how great the shifters are going to be if they're ever done. When you run out of money on the project, ask your spouse to buy a gift certificate from you for future housework.
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Genesis 49:16-17