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Finally! (?)

Old 10-11-18, 02:12 PM
  #1  
velojym
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Finally! (?)

I have a problem with support from ...loved ones... usually getting an eye roll when I talk about improving my life/health/etc. Once this happens, my spirit deflates.
Intellectually, I know this isn't good, but somehow, my family have a huge impact on my attitudes, and it seems that anything I do for myself is just whimsy, and not to be taken seriously.

If I let this continue, I won't make it far past 50.

I started, this week, tracking my food intake, and avoiding the unhealthy stuff it's so easy to scarf down when bored or even just a little hungry.
I joined a gym, Planet Fitness. Nothing special, but it's not too far away, and it's cheap... and clean.
I'm going to hook up a stationary trainer in my office, with a work computer in front of me, standing desk over the handlebars. This will give me three working positions in my office: Standard executive chair, comfy armchair, and a pedal workstation. I know I won't be able to spend much time on the saddle at first, so it's good that I'll be fully functional for work from any of the three spots.
Looking at Healthwage. If I put a few bucks a month into it, I can walk away with well over a grand (or close to two, if I work it right). I'd thought about targeting this money toward a nice road bike, when I've gotten back to a weight in which capacity isn't so much an issue... but I don't need to spend it on that. Jake is waiting for me. Anyway, the site has been around for a few years now, and appears to be legit.

I've gone from 351, a week ago, to 344.6 this morning. I know, just starting out, this isn't that big a deal, but it's a start. I'll ride when I can, but I need to get some longer exercise sessions than I can manage on a bike right now.

Jake and me, back in '02...

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Old 10-11-18, 02:48 PM
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You married? Which loved ones are giving you the stink eye? How close to 50 are you now?

Congrats on making a start - the hardest part is sticking to it of course. Feel free to turn this thread into an accountability thread and post an update every week. We'll do our part and make encouraging sounds as you progress.
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Old 10-11-18, 02:57 PM
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Thanks. Yeah, married, but my girls can be very sarcastic and not at all tender-hearted.

I'm 48 as of this past July, and yeah, I'll put progress reports on this thread.
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Old 10-12-18, 07:24 AM
  #4  
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That's a good start! Know the feeling about family not being fully supportive. I've learned there comes a time, to just do my own thing and the family doesn't need to know all the details. Keeps mystery of what I'm up to and keeps my attitude up.

Now that is me, I'm sure you will figure out what works best for you. Now if your daughters are teenagers like my daughter, then it really doesn't matter what you say or do, that's what teenagers do to Fathers! We are not cool anymore! sigh........
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Old 10-12-18, 10:02 AM
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Get selfish

I mean that ... quite seriously, but not with the goal of being selfish with malicious intent. I mean getting selfish about getting yourself healthy.

Put yourself, your health, and your fitness, either first, or near the top of your list. And expect push back.

The way I view it ... a healthy husband/father/whatever is a gift we give our families ... and a gift we give ourselves. I'm not going to feel guilty about being a better me

My wife LOVES to give me grief about my cycling. I work from home. My schedule is fluid, so it's not uncommon for me to take a ride after I drop our daughter off at school, or a ride over lunch time, or whatever ... and it honestly kind of ticks her off. She makes a snide comment about, "I wish I could take two hour bike ride whenever I want." I just let it roll off me. When we've talked about it before, she says she's jealous, and I get that. But I have a hard time understanding why she throws it in my face when I'm giving her a healthier version of me. So that's when I just get selfish, say screw it, and do my rides. There are FAR worse ways to use my time ...

Be honest with yourself about your weight loss goals ... I was down to 255 at one point three years ago, and ballooned back up to 314. I'm back to 374ish right now, and hoping to continue downward, but it's take the better part of a year and a half or two to get here. So be patient.
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Old 10-12-18, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by travbikeman View Post
Now if your daughters are teenagers like my daughter, then it really doesn't matter what you say or do, that's what teenagers do to Fathers! We are not cool anymore! sigh........
Mine too! They're all the same...

Originally Posted by ill.clyde View Post
My wife LOVES to give me grief about my cycling. I work from home. My schedule is fluid, so it's not uncommon for me to take a ride after I drop our daughter off at school, or a ride over lunch time, or whatever ... and it honestly kind of ticks her off. She makes a snide comment about, "I wish I could take two hour bike ride whenever I want." I just let it roll off me. When we've talked about it before, she says she's jealous, and I get that. But I have a hard time understanding why she throws it in my face when I'm giving her a healthier version of me. So that's when I just get selfish, say screw it, and do my rides. There are FAR worse ways to use my time ...
I also work from home, most days and my wife seems to think I have unlimited time to do honey dos. Nope!
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Old 10-12-18, 11:50 AM
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I work from home, though I do have a 'normal' work schedule... other than being on-call 24/7 every other week.
I agree with the idea of true, rational selfishness. Logically, the path to this involves deciding what's best for you, not your current whims. Treating the people around you well is better for you in the long run than being narcissistic... a word most people who complain about 'selfish' should be using.

Also, if she doesn't want me to live much past 50, it means, in the long run, she doesn't want me around. We can address that in a different conversation if she wishes. I agree, being a healthier Dad is far better for the family than the nearly helpless blob I am now.
I think it isn't all malicious, though. There was an episode of King of Queens (I'm not much of a TV watcher, just saw part of this on a gym TV the other day) in which the husband was getting a lot of attention over his weight loss, and the wife was visible disturbed and jealous of it.
Also, I think there's a drive from some 'caretaker' types to want to be the source of all happiness, and if you find it within yourself... it kinda makes 'em feel slighted.

Sorry. I just want to ride my bikes again.

I'm planning to use Sunday morning as my weekly weigh-in, as I understand daily ones can be counter productive. I'll post results here.
Maybe even some pics now and again, if I have the guts.
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Old 10-12-18, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by TrojanHorse View Post

I also work from home, most days and my wife seems to think I have unlimited time to do honey dos. Nope!
an ONGOING battle ... part of the discussion ... "Well, you have two hours for a bike ride, but you can't fold the laundry?"

No dear ... I can't. There are times when I have an easier schedule, and I'll steal a little time to do the dishes or yes, fold laundry, but then she wonders why I can't do it all the time?

I finally looked at her one time I said, "Do you like me having a job, making money and providing benefits for our family, or would you like me to just do your freaking laundry?"

SMH ... like I said ... ongoing battle

EDIT to add ... I'll often spend time first thing in the morning after taking our daughter to school to get my ride in for the day, because I live in Wisconsin, and the company I work for is based in California. So that two hour time difference plays a role as well.
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Old 10-12-18, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by velojym View Post
I work from home, though I do have a 'normal' work schedule... other than being on-call 24/7 every other week.
I agree with the idea of true, rational selfishness. Logically, the path to this involves deciding what's best for you, not your current whims. Treating the people around you well is better for you in the long run than being narcissistic... a word most people who complain about 'selfish' should be using.

Also, if she doesn't want me to live much past 50, it means, in the long run, she doesn't want me around. We can address that in a different conversation if she wishes. I agree, being a healthier Dad is far better for the family than the nearly helpless blob I am now.
I think it isn't all malicious, though. There was an episode of King of Queens (I'm not much of a TV watcher, just saw part of this on a gym TV the other day) in which the husband was getting a lot of attention over his weight loss, and the wife was visible disturbed and jealous of it.
Also, I think there's a drive from some 'caretaker' types to want to be the source of all happiness, and if you find it within yourself... it kinda makes 'em feel slighted.

Sorry. I just want to ride my bikes again.

I'm planning to use Sunday morning as my weekly weigh-in, as I understand daily ones can be counter productive. I'll post results here.
Maybe even some pics now and again, if I have the guts.
i was pretty heavy when my 2 girls were school age. I always loved cycling but being a nurse and working three 12 hour shifts a week and then looking after my kids left me without the ability to take off on my bike whenever I wanted to. My wife worked in marketing and often came home late leading to all of us making some pretty poor dietary choices during those years.

As as far as your weekly weigh-in goes: I try to weigh in daily. To me this keeps you on track better to micro assess those times where you are gaining (or when you are losing). The graphs on the Fitbit app are very cool to track this stuff.

I can’t fully relate about working from home - but really I guess I can since I am only (typically) at the hospital 3 days a week.

You look pretty normal in your picture from 2002 that you posted. Are you wanting to get back to your weight in 2002? I would say it is definitely attainable. But, a lot of things can happen in 16 year’s time. Granted, getting dramatic results while you are entrusted with the heavy everyday responsibilities of raising kids is going to take some creativity. You mentioned that you go to the gym - can you tell your wife that you absolutely are penciled In for certain fitness classes on certain days? I know for me, that the cycling is more of icing on the cake whereas the gym is where a lot of the heavy work is done. Also, a couple of nice things about group fitness classes at the gym is that you can sort of let the instructor provide the motivation in the event that all you can bring is to show up. Also, a hour class involving some sort of resistance training rewards you when you’re healing and when you are doing things with your kids - so it is a bit of a double positive.

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Old 10-12-18, 02:33 PM
  #10  
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Originally Posted by ill.clyde View Post
an ONGOING battle ... part of the discussion ... "Well, you have two hours for a bike ride, but you can't fold the laundry?"

No dear ... I can't. There are times when I have an easier schedule, and I'll steal a little time to do the dishes or yes, fold laundry, but then she wonders why I can't do it all the time?

I finally looked at her one time I said, "Do you like me having a job, making money and providing benefits for our family, or would you like me to just do your freaking laundry?"

SMH ... like I said ... ongoing battle

EDIT to add ... I'll often spend time first thing in the morning after taking our daughter to school to get my ride in for the day, because I live in Wisconsin, and the company I work for is based in California. So that two hour time difference plays a role as well.
I have it good, I need to remember that more... My wife very rarely imposes on me when I am working. Often I end up rescuing her when I hear something crash because she did not want to disturb me.

She came from a family heavy in Military and Police Officers. She spent many a childhood evening wait for her Dad or Uncle to come home, every time her mom worried about if he was going to come home or alive or not.

"At least I know you are safe, all the time." as she puts it.


BTW, I am also 48. Started at 275 a year ago, now 230, and at exactly 25% Body Fat.

So right on the edge of obese.

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Old 10-12-18, 06:57 PM
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As for gym time, I just started getting up earlier and getting it in before work.
Also, I have a very passive-aggressive wife. I often don't know she's upset about something until it's too late, and even then I'll be completely clueless as to why.

I just walk on eggshells and hope she gets over it soon, because if I ask, she'll blow up.
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Old 10-13-18, 03:50 AM
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Originally Posted by velojym View Post
As for gym time, I just started getting up earlier and getting it in before work.
Also, I have a very passive-aggressive wife. I often don't know she's upset about something until it's too late, and even then I'll be completely clueless as to why.

I just walk on eggshells and hope she gets over it soon, because if I ask, she'll blow up.
Oh that's not good. One of the problems I've had with my Wife, whom left to move to another state with her boyfriend. Is that I too walked on egg shells to prevent her from blowing up. But I did this since her screaming greatly affected the children. Now I'm not saying this is the situation with you, but that was a huge problem for me, because I became timid and a do anything to make the Wife happy kind of guy. When I really should have told her to go stick it! There are times that a good argument is necessary. I got to the point of becoming depressed because of this relationship and of course means eating a lot. When in reality I should have fought back and stood my ground.

You got to talk to her other wise she may not think you really care. Which of course means she maybe the one that resents your biking and doing things you enjoy. If your Wife is like this, is it possible your relationship with your daughters are somewhat fueled by the Wife saying similar things to them? Now this is all going off of what I lived through, and maybe entirely different for you. But it's food for thought.

For me, I have found a profound improvement in my life and my children's lives. Finding my kids are now honor role students each semester since the Wife has left.
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Old 10-13-18, 09:27 AM
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You might want to ask the members of your family what their plans are if you don't make it far beyond 50, especially if you are the primary (or sole) "provider."
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Old 10-13-18, 11:15 AM
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If you're not getting the support you need from your loved ones, find a support group where you will. Many times families don't get it. That's not always a bad thing. Especially when its a unique or special interest.
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Old 10-13-18, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by travbikeman View Post
Oh that's not good. One of the problems I've had with my Wife, whom left to move to another state with her boyfriend. Is that I too walked on egg shells to prevent her from blowing up. But I did this since her screaming greatly affected the children. Now I'm not saying this is the situation with you, but that was a huge problem for me, because I became timid and a do anything to make the Wife happy kind of guy. When I really should have told her to go stick it! There are times that a good argument is necessary. I got to the point of becoming depressed because of this relationship and of course means eating a lot. When in reality I should have fought back and stood my ground.

You got to talk to her other wise she may not think you really care. Which of course means she maybe the one that resents your biking and doing things you enjoy. If your Wife is like this, is it possible your relationship with your daughters are somewhat fueled by the Wife saying similar things to them? Now this is all going off of what I lived through, and maybe entirely different for you. But it's food for thought.

For me, I have found a profound improvement in my life and my children's lives. Finding my kids are now honor role students each semester since the Wife has left.
Alternately, you could find a professional to help you two communicate. I've done it (with my wife I mean) and it helped my wife and I immensely.
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Old 10-13-18, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by TrojanHorse View Post
Alternately, you could find a professional to help you two communicate. I've done it (with my wife I mean) and it helped my wife and I immensely.
Hey TrojanHorse, not sure if you meant this comment to me or the OP. But would typically agree, I tried this 6 years ago the last time my soon to be ex wife wanted a divorce, but she did not want to be around "When I die" due to some health issues I was having. This will be my 3rd time having to deal with her wanting a divorce. I've seen her call 3 other men her husband on her chat sessions, seeing notes of an affair and various other things. My marriage has gone beyond it's course and should have been ended for my own psychological well being many years ago.

This being just a tip of the iceberg of what occurred to my marriage, professional help would not have helped in my case. I'm at a point in my life that I'm just no longer willing to take this kind of nonsense from a relationship. I no longer need to hold on.

Other cases like the OP's professional help might be helpful. As long as there is still some love between the spouse and kids, communication just needs to be worked on and seeing a specialist could be beneficial.
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Old 10-13-18, 01:30 PM
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Originally Posted by travbikeman View Post
Hey TrojanHorse, not sure if you meant this comment to me or the OP. But would typically agree, I tried this 6 years ago the last time my soon to be ex wife wanted a divorce, but she did not want to be around "When I die" due to some health issues I was having. This will be my 3rd time having to deal with her wanting a divorce. I've seen her call 3 other men her husband on her chat sessions, seeing notes of an affair and various other things. My marriage has gone beyond it's course and should have been ended for my own psychological well being many years ago.

This being just a tip of the iceberg of what occurred to my marriage, professional help would not have helped in my case. I'm at a point in my life that I'm just no longer willing to take this kind of nonsense from a relationship. I no longer need to hold on.

Other cases like the OP's professional help might be helpful. As long as there is still some love between the spouse and kids, communication just needs to be worked on and seeing a specialist could be beneficial.
Whoops! No, sorry for the confusion. I meant for the OP, I figured your literal ship had already sailed...
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Old 10-13-18, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by TrojanHorse View Post
Whoops! No, sorry for the confusion. I meant for the OP, I figured your literal ship had already sailed...
yea....it did....sigh....
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Old 10-13-18, 08:11 PM
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That's ok. We're different enough, since the younger aspects of our lives have past, that we're not really compatible anyway. I'm still here because of my daughter, but I don't see myself living long if I don't put a foot down, then another, then another... away. I love her, but she's long since stopped loving me, and blowing money on a counselor will be a waste of time and money. She's a good enough woman that I'm ok with leaving our girl with her, and she's also the chief breadwinner, by a huge margin. I gave up a fairly lucrative career to stay home and take care of our daughter after she was born 3 months premature. I worked part time at a local airport after about 3 years, but couldn't do anything full time until she started going to school. I had to start over and I'm making about a quarter of her salary now. She actually stresses about my relatively low contribution to our finances, apparently thinks less of me because... Hell, I don't know. I made a sacrifice when it was the only thing to do, and I'm paddling like mad to get caught up again.

I was happy when I had my health, my bike, and a place to ride. I haven't really been all that happy since, though I have been loyal, and gave up a lot for my little family, it seems like it's never enough.
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Old 10-13-18, 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by velojym View Post
Also, I have a very passive-aggressive wife. I often don't know she's upset about something until it's too late, and even then I'll be completely clueless as to why.
I just walk on eggshells and hope she gets over it soon, because if I ask, she'll blow up.
This is not passive aggressive I think. Passive aggressive is agreeing on something and then sabotaging it. This is active aggressive. There is a saying in chess, ``a threat is stronger than its execution''. This is it. This is not a normal behavior of adults. When an adult has a problem one communicates it to the partner.
It is very hard to live in the atmosphere of ``emotional smog''.

Originally Posted by velojym View Post
Also, if she doesn't want me to live much past 50, it means, in the long run, she doesn't want me around. We can address that in a different conversation if she wishes. I agree, being a healthier Dad is far better for the family than the nearly helpless blob I am now.
I think it isn't all malicious, though. There was an episode of King of Queens (I'm not much of a TV watcher, just saw part of this on a gym TV the other day) in which the husband was getting a lot of attention over his weight loss, and the wife was visible disturbed and jealous of it.
The main question you should be asking is whether you want to live much past 50.

Originally Posted by velojym View Post
That's ok. We're different enough, since the younger aspects of our lives have past, that we're not really compatible anyway. I'm still here because of my daughter, but I don't see myself living long if I don't put a foot down, then another, then another... away. I love her, but she's long since stopped loving me, and blowing money on a counselor will be a waste of time and money. She's a good enough woman that I'm ok with leaving our girl with her, and she's also the chief breadwinner, by a huge margin.
I was happy when I had my health, my bike, and a place to ride. I haven't really been all that happy since, though I have been loyal, and gave up a lot for my little family, it seems like it's never enough.
Push your agenda. Learn to enforce your healthy boundaries. If you go to a counselor together, there is a chance that she will push her agenda on the counselor; and in the end they will push their agenda together.

We do not know your situation. We do not know how severe the problems are. Enforce your healthy boundaries and you will find out.

End of lyrical digression.

The point: biking (and exercising in general) leads to a healthy increase of the level of male hormones. This will give you confidence and joy you lack now. Even if you do not manage to drop the weight right away (like I, ill.clyde and many others who are not ashamed of this), it will give you physical and psychological benefits.

I was going to get married to a toxic woman, and biking was one of the things that helped me learn to have boundaries. In the end I grabbed the drops with a death grip and pulled the brake levers stopping this marriage.
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Old 10-14-18, 07:21 AM
  #21  
velojym
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Congrats on dodging that bullet, csport, and I'm pretty much in agreement with you there.

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming, as I promised to journal everything here, and chose Sunday for my weekly weigh-ins.

341 lbs

I know it looks like a huge loss for one week, but I was reminded that it's not just "me", but also one or two large meals that are no longer chasing each other through my innards, since I've been reducing my intake. Still. Yay!
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Old 10-14-18, 01:00 PM
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Great job!
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Old 10-14-18, 01:04 PM
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Of course your family has a huge impact on your attitude. Family is typically the greatest influence in most of our lives. Nevertheless, your heath is something you can do solely for yourself, and completely independent of anyone else around you.

That said, you need to state your goal and give a time limit. You can't start a journey unless you first determine your destination. Otherwise its just wanderlust, and how can you know when you've reached your destination if you haven't first determined where you're going?
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Old 10-14-18, 05:02 PM
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As far as weight is concerned, I've set a destination at 100 lbs in a year, using Healthywage. If I make that goal, I get a check for a little over 2300 bucks.
As for BP, since it has been affected mostly due to my weight (it was on the low side of normal when I was in shape), that's a goal too, but i'm not chasing a specific end figure there. Being able to qualify for an FAA medical without drugs would be nice.
Riding... first sub-goal, 300 lbs and I'll be within the rider weight limit of my Surly LHT. I'll be riding before this, but I see it as a milestone.
I want to be able to complete a thursday Trample ride, which is about a 10 mile casual ride downtown. A pale shadow of the centuries I've done, but dwelling on that is part of what got me where I am now.
Then, rather than going fast-twitch like I did before, especially at my age, I'm gonna go slow-twitch. Endurance rather than raw acceleration, get into good touring shape. I've always loved the bicycle for its sheer utility, and this would be quite the happymaking thing.
Though I have crowd issues, I'm really wanting to go to RAGBRAI.
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Old 10-15-18, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by velojym View Post
I have a problem with support from ...loved ones... usually getting an eye roll when I talk about improving my life/health/etc. Once this happens, my spirit deflates.
Intellectually, I know this isn't good, but somehow, my family have a huge impact on my attitudes, and it seems that anything I do for myself is just whimsy, and not to be taken seriously.

If I let this continue, I won't make it far past 50.

I started, this week, tracking my food intake, and avoiding the unhealthy stuff it's so easy to scarf down when bored or even just a little hungry.
I joined a gym, Planet Fitness. Nothing special, but it's not too far away, and it's cheap... and clean.
I'm going to hook up a stationary trainer in my office, with a work computer in front of me, standing desk over the handlebars. This will give me three working positions in my office: Standard executive chair, comfy armchair, and a pedal workstation. I know I won't be able to spend much time on the saddle at first, so it's good that I'll be fully functional for work from any of the three spots.
Looking at Healthwage. If I put a few bucks a month into it, I can walk away with well over a grand (or close to two, if I work it right). I'd thought about targeting this money toward a nice road bike, when I've gotten back to a weight in which capacity isn't so much an issue... but I don't need to spend it on that. Jake is waiting for me. Anyway, the site has been around for a few years now, and appears to be legit.

I've gone from 351, a week ago, to 344.6 this morning. I know, just starting out, this isn't that big a deal, but it's a start. I'll ride when I can, but I need to get some longer exercise sessions than I can manage on a bike right now.

Jake and me, back in '02...
6lbs in one week is great. Make a plan, stick to it and prove them all wrong. All the time being as nice as pie. You should be the only one deciding the future of your health and no excuses will do if you are to succeed!!!
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