ForlornEnemy

Perhaps one person in here is in the situation I was/am in and can be helped.

I am 25 from Texas. I have been out of shape for 5 years, unattractive and can't get the girls.

Now, before anyone says anything like "well that girl just doesn't deserve you" or "You need someone that will appreciate you for you are"... I say thanks for the kind words, but it's a harsh reality we live in.

I lived in apathy for 5 years, being a loser, going home to myself, ordering pizza all the time and just relaxing as much as possible. Until I met this girl this year.

In Jan-Feb we talked on facebook. She remembered me as prom king in high school, and of course in shape. When we first talked on FB, she would chat with me 5 hours a day or more. She was so interested in me! I just wanted "other" things... you know. I am a guy and being in the state of apathy I was in I didnt care anyway.

We saw a movie on valentine's day because she was lonely and I wanted to just be nice to her. I guess I was lonely too. I learned quickly that she was becoming something more to me, but because of how I looked after 5 years of destroying myself, she just wanted to be friends. It was very obvious, but she was still so sweet to me and I liked being sweet back.

I saw a movie with her every friday until mid-late May when one Friday I came home after seeing her and just started to cry in my apartment. I was in love.

I had no money because I was working part time, I had a piece of crap vehicle that no one would want to be seen in, and lived in an apartment with roaches. On top of this I was 272 and 5'8 and had no friends (because I never cared)... so in this time of need I had no support. I can't say what a horrible experience it was.

I started to diet and lost about 20 lbs... but by the end of June I couldn't take it anymore. I know I am supposed to lose weight and better myself for MYSELF- but she was the kickstart and I can't say that she wasn't the main reason for it starting. It did blow the apathy off of me though. I woke up from that state and one day I flipped out and told my grandmother I wanted to move in with her. She didn't mind, luckily.

I got rid of everything, didn't pay my rent.... left immediately and I took every penny I had plus more and got a 2011 Scott Speedster S5. And I rode.

And I rode... I can't say how many days in Texas it has been under 100F in July... but I went out every day and rode 20-30 miles. For anyone in my shape this was very difficult. During this time I was extremely depressed, I mean beyond anything I have ever felt. Every minute of every day I felt like I was at the end. It is so hard to ride like that...

But I rode. Perseverance was always just one of those "motivational" words to me before, but now it means something else. To blow through everything at 100% power, even when faced with impossible challenges.... that is to persevere.

I rode to a park 10 miles away (landa park, in new braunfels on google) one day and was very down feeling. It was extremely hot and I didn't have enough energy. I sat on a bench and it was extremely beautiful there. But that triggered some of the darkest feelings I have ever had. Thinking of her there, knowing I had no real friends, knowing my journey from apathy had just started.... and having to get back on the bike and somehow pedal home was just a terrible combination of thoughts. I questioned if life was actually hell or not.

And the next day I did it again. And again.

That bike was a medieval torture device, nothing less. But I am sure when others would consider suicide, I got out there and rode.

I am 232 now. In the next 2 weeks I will start entering the final phases of this most absurd, insane, incredible journey I could ever imagine.

And about the girl? I don't know where it will lead. I can't be her friend forever I don't think, it hurts too much.

As I get my life together, I wonder if there are others out there like me. If there is some guy/girl out there reading this with a bike that they never ride, but are unhappy about themselves.

As I saw on the movie Batman Begins... it takes strong examples to shake someone out of apathy.

If that moment comes to you, whatever it may be... we have something in common. This forum. So get on your bike and perSEVERE. Come home with a red face and arms. Be very tired. Don't stop no matter what. Curse the hot sun the last 10 miles of your ride and wish it would just explode and end everything. If you think you are in hell, then give it hell. When the times are tough, the tough get going.

Do what it takes to do this. Push everything aside and hold nothing back. NO compromise. Go part time. Quit your job if you have to (assuming you have someone to support you temporarily). It doesn't matter what happens to anything else. Give it everything you have.

Ride your bike like a savage animal! Even if you are 400lbs, and 10mph destroys you, it was a savage ride. Do it. I have severe fit/anatomy problems (right leg is shorter than left?) and anything past 30 miles is painful for me. I cannot afford a fix. But I push it to the limit even with great pain in my elbow from riding.

Destroy the old you and push on. Full speed.

Don't think of how long it will take. Just start. Now.

As I write this, I still have no one. Today was extremely painful, not just physically but mentally. It is a battle to find the will. But if I can't find the will today, I will still ride and look again tomorrow.

I hope that anyone reading this wanting to change her life will persevere.

I may update here, or not.
---------------------------------------------

Start the journey now... change we must... to live again.

ForlornEnemy

I am insane.

Bioandbikes

Not insane, just hurting. Keep biking - like you said, no matter how hard it is, or how miserable you are at the time, in the end you will feel better. I rarely have to make myself ride anymore - now I just push myself super hard when I'm feeling down. It works. Hang in there.

CbadRider

Congratulations on losing 40 lbs, that's an achievement in itself.

Have you checked out the Clydesdale/Athena forum? There are a lot of other people there who have gone through the same things you are now dealing with. They can be a great support group.

ForlornEnemy

Too late to double post now. Perhaps I should have posted there.

gitarzan

40 pounds? Damn dude, that's great. You've got a lot of will power, sounds like you can focus on a goal. As far as the girl goes, bite the bullet, and tell her how you feel. If she says no, then it wasn't going to happen anyway. Heck, she might say she's crazy about you.

BTW, find a bike club and you may well find a lot of friends.

Dean7

Stick with it. You have done well and should give yourself some dang credit for that! A couple years prior would you have ever imagined that you would lose this much weight? Imagine how you'll be feeling again in a couple years from now when you're a skinny roadie.

The girl in question sounds incredibly unhappy. I would be somewhat weary of her if I were you. If you can be the thing that brings happiness to her life, great. But chances are the temptation to fall in to a codependent relationship will be too great for both of you and it will end in tragedy. You both need to get your heads screwed on straight before you jump in to something that has the ability to leave you even lower than you are now. Just my $.02.

willmw

Here's an idea. Ask her to ride with you.

no motor?

+1 to both.

cyclokitty 

This is a great idea. Congrats on the 40 lb loss!

Tom Stormcrowe

I'm going to make an exception for you and copy this thread there as well. I'll send you that link. It also has a good start here in Foo, so I'll leave the parent thread going as well.

CJ C

+1000000000.

dude you did the first and hardest step, you got you but up off the couch and got moving. not only that, you took your life in your hands strangled it until it threw away 40lbs. its only gets better from here, you confidence will only go up and with that everything around you will follow.

as with the love and the chick, always be honest and sincere and things will work out. and if you feel like things are staying flat, well bro you got to do what you already have done, take things into your own hands and make things happen. if you always do what you did yesterday you will always get the same results from yesterday, so dont wait for things to happen MAKE THEM HAPPEN.

good luck, but you wont need it

RandoneeRider

ForlornEnemy,

For what it's worth..... I'm right there with ya buddy. Women will have NOTHING to do with a 5' 2" man, it's simply not a worthy fashion choice..... I am 5' 2" at a recently achieved 219 pounds. The start of the year saw me at 255, bought a bicycle and got down to 230, dieting since August 2nd via Medifast and am at 219 lb's. Some day I'll be just a shunned short dude, but that's better than being a short fat white boy.....

Do what ya gotta do, become healthy, then your mind-set as well as mental health will fall into place. About the girl, anxious expectations is the biggest source of dissapointment.... let it go. If/when a chance meeting with your complimentary half happens, it will not be over-shadowed by this fantasy for the other gal...... In fact, even if that "chance meeting" will be with the same gal, do NOT burden her with this fantasy that you have allowed to get the better of you.

Look, life is.... it is what it is. If by losing 80 pounds my short self finds a gal, more power to me. But at 57 and never married, I have grown soooo accustom to being alone and doing what I want when I want to. I fear the bigger challenge will be spending my (once selfish) time with another, and doing what SHE wants to do. I suppose man is a social animal, and needs a help-mate in life.... I hope to find her as well.... some day.

In the meantime,
WE RIDE!

chefisaac

forlorn: you do have friends.... right here.

I am 6 foot 4 and 330 pounds and just started riding. I can agree with the hell part!

rideorglide

One of the things you have gotten a hold on is perseverance —*that is pretty clear.
And with help from your inspiration, I'll get out there and ride today, in spite of the parts that still hurt.


After perseverance, patience and understanding are two more things to learn that go with perseverance. ... and with them, maybe, a different set of expectations about women can come in real useful.

Man, at your age, love is like an alternate universe of intense feelings that takes over your world. Also, at age 25, everything is magnified 10x.

I don;t know anything about your relationship, so I can only speak from past relationships I've had, where it started out as one set of friendship, hope and expectations, and wound up being a simple friendship. it can be friendship, if there's a friendship there, and if you can just back the expectations off. Sure you can. Even if the relationship doesn't eventually work out the way you might hope, it's still may be worth nurturing that friendship.
You are learning about caring, and how it's a two way street.

It's a privilege to be in a position to fall in love, no matter what, but it also can be very bitter sweet sometimes and doesn't always work out. But with patience and being a friend to her, it may be more rewarding in other ways, or ways you didn't expect, in the future.

I have gfs that I was initially attracted too, that were never lovers, but are still good friends.

Other times I regret I lost a good gf, because I did not appreciate the friendship enough at the time, and abandoned it, maybe because I was more interested in other things. Maybe it was just the way it was meant to be; but some of them I miss, and think would have liked to have just remained friends with.

I'd recommend patience and adjusting expectations, and maybe you'll be more content down the road.

Sounds like you have a friend, who is also a girl. But it's about more than "getting" girls. You can "get" girls and still be left empty in side if all you wanted was to "get".

That's one of those "guy things" we have to move on from, and mature out of. Takes time. But now you seem to kind of know. When you move from apathy and not caring, to caring, you are maybe on the right path.

Again, this sounds good for your soul to have felt that way.

Either way, you lost a lot of weight which is pretty impressive.

Sounds like you have some health and endurance. That's the No. 1 thing. That's something to be thankful for, but please don't dehydrate and screw your kidneys over.

Mine ain't so great, anymore. I can't even imagine riding a single day in temps over 89F.

There's your perseverance —*that's another great quality to have to be successful down the road. You might think you don't have much, but perseverance is an important part of the foundation that others lack.

I'm sure there are a some of us here that wrestle with thoughts that our predicaments sometimes offer little hope. But we keep on living in the day and moving forward as best we can. (If it gets too dark in there call one of the crisis hotlines in your area, and there'll be people who want to help you get through.)

LOL Always feels that way for the first several miles, and in your Texas heat, I have no idea how you do it.


Why is that?


Sounds good, too.


Been damaged/injured for 9 months. It has been tough getting through 10 months, with no riding as I heal. I have 48 yr old friends who are fit as top Marines, who have had brain and testicle surgeries and get sidelined too. They only wish they could run or ride, or exercise.


I think a lot of folk are rooting for you. So tell us about some rides, and I hope your friendship with the gf stays on track.

motobecane69

Hey man, I'd like to say I can relate! I was actually prom king too, at that time I had very little confidence but I had a pretty hot girlfriend that went to a different school and most people in my school didn't know about her. she made me happy at the time and I remember beingdressed for the prom and just going to have a good time with her. We danced, we hung out, it was a blast and out of nowhere I was selceted king! I still thought of myself as a funny looking guy but I knew my gf loved me and that was all that mattered. Fast forward a few years and in college I put on a ton of weight. I went from getting a lot of girls to getting NONE. I was a dj, I performed at a ton of parties and I had friends but definately didn't have any women that wanted to get busy and that sucked because lets face it, whether people like it or not, that is a huge part of how young men define themselves.

I think you are very self aware and I agree with you; when it comes to the opposite sex, there is absolutely a need for some type of physical attraction initially. I know this isn't always the case but it's certainly the case the majority of the time. I got myself back into shape and eventually even got into the fitness business and I haven't had a problem with the ladies in a long time but I just want to tell you that you are on the right track. Yes we should make improvements to our lives for OURSELVES, but sometimes we really do need that external motivation to get us up off our ass and make it happen. Now that you have gotten the process started, you have to remind yourself that just because you lost a few lbs doesn't mean you are any different as a person; you are the same good person at 225 as you were at 285. Do your best not to get too hung up on this girl, yes you want to get laid but ultimately it sounds like this girl is actually giving you what you really want and need deep down and that is friendship. Keep doing what your doing and as you get more confident in your physical looks, it will manifest in how you present yourself to others. You will find yourself opening up more and giving more of yourself and you will be amazed at how people will respond to that and I'm talking both males and females.

Lastly, if you really are dead set on getting this girl, i do like the idea of getting her to go riding with you. even if you aren't the best looking, women are very attracted by performance. Get out there and take her on a decent ride where you can showcase your skills a bit while going back and helping pull her through it and that will impress her. good luck, keep up the good work. I was wavering on going riding today but I think you just fired me up!

Neil_B

Ditto that!

BTW, OP, I posted to the other thread. Please read what I wrote there.

ForlornEnemy

Wow, lots of replies. The past 6 months have been hard and all came to yesterday, when I posted here it was just a prelude to last night...

At 2am I woke up and went completely nuts. After all this time alone, pushing hard, and all the thoughts of that girl... I finally went "supercritical". If you think that means crying, feeling frustrated, mad... it's all of the above and more.

What that means is.... nothing else matters now. I will go out calmly, everyday and give it everything. The bike and I have alot of miles ahead of us.


As for the question on why I think this will be done in the coming weeks... well that was because I will start being able to dress nicer without my manboobs because they will be going away. But I was wrong, it is not done in a few weeks. I don't care how I look then. This is just the beginning.

A guy she messed around with but doesn't care about her...( OK, this is part of my anger jealousy/RAGE) is a really super fit guy. I saw his facebook and this guy is built! He posted a facebook status update saying

"at the gym all day every day"

Well, I have felt very down against someone like that, because I haven't been able to compare to someone like that physically.

Not anymore. NO more.

Yes, I am changing for myself, blah blah... I really am.

From now on, that anger and rage is flowing directly into my legs. I talked alot of mess last month, saying things like "I will ride 20 miles every day" when I sat on a couch for 5 years. But I did it.

And now I say this...

I AM GOING TO RIDE LIKE A SAVAGE ANIMAL

motobecane69

lol, dude you are pretty funny! In all honesty, don't be above seeking professional counseling if you have the means to do so. while talking to strangers on a forum can absolutely have the same positive effect as seeing a therapist, therapists can probably offer better advice on how to move forward in an intelligent manner whereas here you will get 20 different opinions. But make no mistake about it, just getting some of this crap off your chest is a good start to freeing your mind up.

Just keep in mind, you can get as fit as you want and that will absolutely allow you to get a lot of women and probably some women even better than this one but being fit ain't gonna help you keep any of them! And lets not forget that many of them you won't want to keep! In the shorterm maybe you need to just call up an escort so you can tear a piece off and release some of this savage animal frustration!!!!

BTW, most guys that put "in the gym all day every day" on their facebook profile have every bit the issues with their esteem as you do.

RandoneeRider

Dude.... you've got me a bit worried. You have GOT TO change your mind-set!!!

This gal,
walk away from your preoccupation with her, let it go, look instead at your overall health. YOU have allowed her to become a source of DIS-EASE within your psyche. Any state of being ill at ease with a nagging/obsessive preoccupation is destructive..... and that includes "losing weight".

INSTEAD:
* Eat lotsa vegies so you won't have a wake-up call when you're old enough to hear the results of your colonoscopy.

* You absolutely MUST have a balance of exercise and nutriants. Exercise too hard, too much, and in short order, will only result in health problems, AS WELL AS the burning of lean muscle mass soooo essential in burning fat at a healthy rate.

* Start now drinking water, lots of it, about an ounce for every pound you weigh. It's 10:00 in the morning and I'm already on my 2nd mason jar full of the miracle elixer. This will help flush your body of the nasty toxins that us fat folk have clogging our system and poisoning our organs. The added bonus is that it will help to prevent sagging flabby skin aka "man boobs".

* It is possible, VERY possible, that riding the bicycle alone will bring limited results. You need to start with "weight bearing" exercises such as walking and weight lifting. Eventually your body-whole will benefit from the esoteric magic that stretching, Yoga, or even the grounding that spiritual contemplation may offer.

* "Visualize" the thinner, healthier YOU. Visualize ridding your body of the toxins/weight/excessive gravity with every time you pee as a result of drinking water.

* Alcohol is a depressent, obsessiveness is a poison, posititve imagery manifests results.

* Make your desire to turn a new leaf into a benefit for yourself, those who witness your transformation, and those will some day come to you seeking counsel.

Oh, and your RIDE should be fun, it should make you happy, it should be only one element of many that makes you the gentle soul that you have bared for all to see and learn from. Relax, don't worry, be happy!

ForlornEnemy

Thanks for that. I am worried about myself too. The depression that was triggered from all this... it is bad. Very bad.

RandoneeRider

Really.... once again, short of heavy drugs or expensive counseling:

jedrek

Nothing will cause you to lose weight as much as eating less. Nothing. I mean, you can bike for 5-6 hours/day and eat like you do now, and it'll be similar, but you're not going to bike 5-6h/day, and even if you do, you're going to eat a lot more than you do now.

ForlornEnemy

I eat about 300 calories of whole grain brown rice with 75 cals of chicken chunks in it... about 100 cals of cheese and a serving of a protein drink as a meal. (100 cals, 25g protein)

twice a day with some extra calories thown in there randomly

fast89fox

You need to eat 5-6 smaller meals daily. From what you described you are not eating enough for the cycling you are doing. I would suggest weight training and better diet to go along with your cycling to lose weight. One thing most people dont want to hear is there is no magic pill or fad diet that will take weight off fast for the long term. You should try to lose about 2lbs per week that's healthy and doable. Losing weight fast is going to leave you in poor health and with a lot of excess skin just hanging around. Remember that weight did not come overnight and you will not lose it overnight.

I don't really know what to say about the obsession with the girl deal. But remember there are millions of other girls out there so its no reason to fret over just one. I know that's a hard pill to swallow when you are in love with someone and they don't return the same feelings. I've come to realize girls either like you or they don't, you just cant win them over by changing your appearance. My advice is take some time to yourself and do this weight loss thing for you, not her. I also would not tell all this to her as she may see it as weakness, and then you have zero chance to be with her. Just do it for you, the girls will come in time.