Cyclist0108

I'm just a scientist with limited interpersonal skills, but I think you identified part of the problem. You are going about this like it is your custom bike. It needs to be her customizations (or, ideally, shared customizations). She needs to feel invested in it.

I hope things work out. We just got to year 20. Somehow.

Wordwreckin

As a young C&Ver who hasn't started a family or marriage yet I'd like to thank you for sharing this. I'm not going to get long winded here but seeing a man move through his struggles with fortitude and pride is strangely moving. In a sort of modern man struggle type of way that all of us can relate to. Good luck in the upcoming year and keep fighting!

deephate

I was raised in Lawton as a Fort Sill army brat. I didn't get back into bicycling until I was in my mid-thirties and living in Iowa. I have wanted to ride the Wichita Mountains including up Mt Scott for many years. I used to party there heavily back in the day. I haven't had a Meers burger since high school. Memories......

I hope things work out for you Okie!

D1andonlyDman

Sometimes, being right actually sucks

High Fist Shin

My wife and I have just reached our 20th anniversary (Dec. 21th). It has been a wild ride at times, but she and I are both stubborn and that has lead to some nasty disagreements over the years. It has also helped to keep us together through the rough times. She won't quit on me and I won't quit on her.

I guess I'm writing this to say that you have my sympathy and support. I know that when I have hurt my wife in the past or done something that upsets her for whatever reason, it pains me terribly to the point where I can't function properly until the issue is resolved.

I hope things work out the way you want them to and that you have another positive update for us soon. If I may humbly offer a small bit of advise; balance in life is the key. If the string is too tight it will break, too loose and the guitar will not play. There is always another hill to climb. And another to descend.

Best regards,

-Shin

tricky 

Just started going through this same thing in October. Well, moved out in Oct, we started talking about it in August. Not fun, but I am learning quite a bit about myself and a relationship I have spent 18 years in. There was lots of love, but lots of dysfuntion. I am learning that I need to be a more whole, confident person to be able to do a relationship justice. I hope it is with her, but it's very much up in the air and it might not make sense or be healthy for us to get together. We'll see. I am rooting for you, and myself. Thanks again for sharing.

DMC707

That in and of itself, in today's trying times - is a huge life achievement. Thanks for the vote of confidence !






Thanks for the great feedback ---- I have the patience to keep fighting , but there is a thin line between fighting, and just beating your head against a wall -- I only hope I am sane enough to recognize that if it gets there



Thank you, and I hope you can get back here to tame the mountain some day --- in truth, compared to other states that have real mountain ranges, I know its not much, --- but can give a guy a real quick test of fitness to see where he's at (Mt Scott that is) -- its not terribly steep, but something about how the road is graded makes it seem worse than it is

--- The Meers store is still there, --- I'm on a "No Sugar, No Grains" diet but can stop in there when I'm in the area and pick up 5 or 6 patties to take home with me to use - delicious


Truth is stranger than fiction in these times we are living in




That's a great analogy - thanks Shin

shrtdstncrdr

It sounds to me like you're very used to taking care of her and she's reached a point where she just wants to know she can take care of herself.

I think she's searching for her whole and separate self. Which is good, don't get me wrong, it's just that it may be what she needs is to be sure she's a complete and whole individual.

I dunno. Sometimes relationships are an immiscible fog to me.

Harv

qcpmsame 

Not worth more than the energy expended to read this, but I will offer up my thoughts based on 40+ years of marriage. Give this your best shot, as long as there is no domestic violence involved, and I doubt that is the case 100%. You already have a good deal of time invested with your wife, I wouldn't let that go because of your personal preferences about things like furnishings and such.

I am of a similar mind set to you, I want things totally correct, and I tend to look for the best thing I can afford to buy no matter what it is. I had to learn that my wife has a reason for her preferences, and it is usually from a sound thinking basis. So, I channel my OCD into my work and my bicycles, even my company truck will do when I need to make things as correct as possible. (And right now the company truck isn't cooperating at all.)

Its going to be up to you and her, all of these replies are just organized electrons. It will be interesting to follow along and see what both of you decide to do in the future. Best of luck with your efforts, I'm hoping for a happy result.

Bill

DMC707

Thanks Tricky, ----

I've had to (and still am ) going through the same steps

--- trying to get to know yourself as an individual, and be happy by yourself , can be hard work ----

markwesti

Although this is very sad , OK now I'm just joking around like I always do and I get in trouble for it but here goes .
First off Veolminati rule # 12 clearly states your predicament is not n+1 but s-1 . I think that will help .
Second you must adhere to Velominati rule # 1 and #4 and then #5 .Only after that will you undestand rule #11
Third , and this is just my personal thought buy a really expensive C&V bike and then you will attract a woman(s) that will appreciate you . Happy New Year .
Velominati ? The Rules

DMC707

It is interesting to re-read this thread I started 3 years ago.

The outpouring of great advice was not expected and I remember receiving PM's from some of you good folk for months afterward to check on me. A lot of you are like my extended digital family and ive met a handful

I was always a "Steel is real" guy, - even before most steel bikes became C&V , but my generation was the first to go whole hog for aluminum then carbon. I raced crits on a steel DeBernardi when everyone else either used a Canondale or a carbon tubed Specialized Epic or something similar.

However it was not until this episode - the dissolution of a 14 year marriage -- that I jumped into C&V whole hog

It was therapeutic to put together a new bike -- the whole process, from the research, to looking for parts on ebay and here, chasing down "parts bikes" from CL, and waiting patiently for stuff to arrive from ebay, not to mention putting together some fun bikes and ultimately enjoying them for a few rides.

Now the garage is overflowing and I am starting to look around at my "therapy bikes" and I realize I don't really have the time to enjoy each and every one of them as they deserve. They served their purpose to me and got me through a hard time. I'll advertise here when I re-up and get my yellow jersey status back, but until then I am trying to sell as much as I can locally to not deal with the shipping right now
That said, a lot of garage time means for me, a lot of beer time too

Whether we want it to or not , life has a way of happening and I was hit upside the head soundly by a sledgehammer about a year ago

The sledgehammer is about 5'8 and back then just needed help boarding an unruly dog for a couple of weeks. Since I have a lot of space , I said sure.
I wasn't looking for a relationship again --- I was still admittedly pretty miserable then and didn't have my eyes open for one, but eventually she asked me out.

It hasn't been an easy courtship because I am very stubborn and so is she, but on Valentines Day I asked her to marry me and she accepted (surprisingly) ---

Im keeping a few of my favorites, but this young lady has a common desire that I have about having a family someday so I would like to concentrate on getting rid of the aforementioned "therapy bikes" that are a reminder of a dark couple of years for me and instead fill the garage with striders and little training wheel equipped machines in their place someday.
She got me back in church, beer consumption is down to about a quarter what it once was and im down about 50 pounds too. ITs not perfect as we both carry some battle scars from our previous lives but

Wish me luck gents. I didn't get the outcome I wanted on this one when I started the thread 3 years ago, but im hoping I got the outcome I needed ! time will tell

I may reduce the pedal powered fleet a bit, but I feel like im "back to N" in a big way in other ways

Essthreetee

oddjob2

DMC707

I really think she'd be flattered in a way (at being referred to as a sledgehammer-- her name is Christy though, and im Doug ) and I am going to share this thread with her because after a year she still doesn't know how important the cycling community is to me, whether online or my local friends
She was a track sprinter as a younger gal so I know she would kick my butt at anything physical with a modicum of training .

To apply another sports reference, I have "outkicked my coverage" and while she doesn't share my love of hardcore cycling, I look forward to spending days riding beach cruisers and tandems with her and having fun

jjames1452 

Congratulations and prayers for many new and exciting adventures together!!!

texaspandj

I reposted cause I was Right!
WOO-HOO! Congratulations.
My daughter is now 4 years old and my wife is as beautiful as ever.
The times that I've disappointed myself in the past have been the times I didn't adhere to my martial arts principles of Flexibility, Balance and Awareness. And that my physical, mental, and spiritual state are of equal importance.
Good luck and Enjoy.

dunrobin

Beautiful follow up to a frustrating affair..... Wishing you both a happy, fulfilling and long life together...:-)

conspiratemus1

Best reason, EVER, to bump an old thread. So happy happy happy for you.
All the best,
Les

ed4406

What a great update. Congratulations on weathering the storm!

gugie 

Congrats!

I'm sure you already know this, but you're in a much better relationship now.