DMC707

Since this is a relatively anonymous forum and I have tried to keep it apprised of my C&V antics over the last few months --

I will add that I have been somewhat dormant from the forums or internet activity whatsoever due to this biggie

--- wife of 14 years (relationship for 16) --- left me 2 weeks ago -------- she has not named C&V bicycles specifically, but has allowed that I am too distant and fixated on "non-essentials" -- as well as a number of other communication related issues I don't readily understand

I'm a bit direct, blunt and to the point whenever possible in my personal life and evidently this has worked against me on a personal level over the years


Have spoken a few times to said (N-1) since the dustup ---- but no resolution -- I'm 44, she is 45 --- she is stating she has nervous episodes at work, anxiety attacks, and other ailments that tend to make me unofficially think we may be approaching menopause --- but maybe its something else.
2 weeks away from the nest and my little bird still says she is stressed beyond belief even though I have given her plenty of space

--Sigh --------- I will get back to my beers and watching The Big Lebowski

I have stacks of packages related to a couple CV projects piling up downstairs un-opened due to this mess


--- Just venting folks-- thanks

jetboy 

vent read and acknowledged (if I don't do that when my wife vents at me, I get yelled at)

Essthreetee

Sorry to hear that. I wish you well, and hope that things work out in the manner that you wish. (While we may be somewhat anonymous, we are still human.)

Lascauxcaveman 

Unless you're married to a saint (and my wife sure isn't) it's always a bit tough.

Sometimes it feels like a real marriage, sometimes it feels more like a truce. To put it mildly, we both certainly have our opinions about how things should go.

I feel certain that my high blood pressure problem is 90% wife-based. I have a very hard time believing sometimes the statistic that married people live an average of seven years longer than singles.

All that.

I'm glad my wife is a tough old bastard like me. Otherwise we might have some real problems on our hands.

I don't have any answers or advice for you, other than vigorous aerobic exercise always lifts me a bit when I'm feeling stressed or depressed.

echo victor 

Sorry to hear that - best of luck.

jjames1452 

Sorry to hear that as well. Good luck.
I understand, my wife and I have been having a tough patch re. bikes, bike rides and the house.

I have a stressful job, and bikes are a stress relief. However, when you live in a 1938 house, surrounded by retired people who like to work in their yards, it is difficult to keep up. Bike projects, bikes and frames hanging in the garage, and long bike rides are a source of contention.

My wife tries to get out for bike rides - they are short now - as she literally destroyed her ankle two years ago. She may never get back 100%. We just have to take what she is able to do. She has admitted that she is a little jealous of my taking longer, faster rides. She used to....

We have landed on balance. For example, this weekend, I did not ride, but worked in the yard, and painted the back of the house. Both needed done.
It is now her turn to say, I know the garage needs attention, but why don't you go on a bike ride this weekend . We will see if we can maintain balance.

Again, best of luck!

Bikedued

Don't feel too bad... I know a guy who was sent off to active military duty by the wife(for some extra money). She tried selling his bikes to his friends while he was gone, and had some other guy living in his house as well. He got home and the house was a wreck. They're now staying together, after filing for divorce and selling the house. It's a mess.,,,,BD

The Golden Boy 

Best wishes.

You may wish to not talk openly about 'that which should not be named.'

My wife said: "my own daughter ACCUSED me of having hot flashes." Yeah... there's a connotation there, be careful with that.

For your own benefit- just remember what Anthony Michael Hall said in The Breakfast Club... "Chicks. Can not hold their smoke. That's what it is."

jethin

As a doctor of the Internet I prescribe a nice long ride followed by a few beers of your choice.

oddjob2

Sorry to hear about your family trauma. It happens and perhaps counseling could help. I thought you were in the midst of building or just built a new home too? Being in the oil patch where you are being hammered by economic market factors, weather events (which is good for your consulting business), not to mention whether or not America will be great again, all compound stress and anxiety. Best wishes to you, no matter how the cards may fall.

On the other hand, here is some research that should please most men on this forum, well at least the Canadian men. It is probably locked behind the WSJ subscription.
Women Are More Interested In Sex Than You Think, Studies Show - WSJ

Maybe read this:
Do You Know When Your Partner is in the Mood for*Sex? - | - Science of Relationships

3speedslow

Sorry to hear about what you both are going through. Hope it works out to a happy balance.

texaspandj

Wow tough situation, been there, done that.
We're men, our natural instincts make us hunt and work. Except now we hunt bikes and workout. Sometimes we can become obsessive over things. So we step back and take a look and when we don't ,we sometimes lose sight of the big picture. There are only three things that really ultimately matter in life: your family, your friends and your job. We as human males sometimes need to be reminded of that. Maybe her leaving is just a reminder.
In my previous relationship, It was a painful divorce. I wondered how or if I would ever get over it. It felt like no one could possibly understand the pain I was going through. A friend of mine actually said to me he thinks everyone gets what they deserve in life, I think it was his way if saying stop your whining. I eventually started dating, then eventually enjoyed dating (good times). And suffice it to say now I'm happier than I've ever been even at 53. I got a new wife,I got a new life and my 21 month old baby is fine. I know it hurts but hang in there and things will get better,guaranteed.
So I heard this story: The son was upset/depressed his girlfriend had broking up with him. So finally the father intervened and said what would you do if your girlfriend had to move to China? The son thought and replied just deal with it, to which the father said then Deal with it.
Good luck, just remember you're tougher than any hurt you feel.

fender1

Sell the bikes as show of good faith. You'll lose them anyway after the settlement. At least you'll know if she is serious about working things out or not. Best of luck.

DMC707

I think mine would be more approving of me if I got out and rode more, and tinkered less -- I'm with you on the stress relief aspect of tinkering though ----- I just put in 120 bags of cedar mulch in landscaping beds a few days ago - working in the yard seems much more like actual physical work than working on my bikes - LOL. I live on 10 acres though so thus far, I am not doing fine detail work so much as just sitting on a tractor for 4 hours at a clip keeping the grass mowed



Sheesh ---- that's close to worst case scenario --- all I can say about mine is she does not appear to be money motivated in the least with this situation


Agreed



YEs- thankfully the oilfield bust has not hurt me, but has affected many I know --- the weather OTOH, causes me to work 75 hours a week --- which I consider a blessing - everyone needs money

Putting the finishing touches on the new house now -- working on landscaping and a couple of other things while I wait for the wood floor guy to come finish the stretches of wood flooring we have installed -- so not living in it, but can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel.
We have been living on the same property in a 900 sf loft above a large brick detached garage/shop for 8 years saving and waiting and working for the day we finally got the house done -- so the timing of all this is perplexing, --- but she has never seemed as excited as me about the house.
I'm OCD to the point I had to have custom base and case milled for the project as stock profiles and widths weren't doing it for me, --- and I've been busting my butt with work so I can trim it out with "boutique" appliances instead of GE or Whirlpool and she has said before -- "What does it matter?"
basically I was building the house with the same mindset that I would have in building a custom bicycle

To top it off, I am following a fairly demanding nutrition schedule now (no sugars, no grains) - which has finally resulted in me starting to drop some weight, --- but I can't go out or eat at restaurants on the weekends or off nights, and I have been choosing not to attend family events for fear of being tempted too much at the banquet table

So to me , --- I thought , - I'm working plenty, house almost done, and losing weight to boot --- I felt like life was on the up-swing






So many great responses and words of encouragement -- thanks guys

nashvillebill

My condolences. I lost my wife four years ago, and though we sometimes quarreled loudly, somehow we always stayed together, until her untimely passing. Now I'd give anything if somehow magically she could be back here. (Of course, that's not possible, so I'm slowly moving onward.)

Now I realize "things" are just trinkets. What's truly important? Those we love. So my advice, FWIW...if there is someone you love, who is the most important person in the world, let everything else go and focus on the one you love.

USAZorro

Learning situations can be painful. Wish you both the best. May you both find more happiness.

inkandsilver

Here's to a gentle tailwind on your rides and in your life.

Counseling, as someone mentioned, would be at least worth a shot before things go too far. Best wishes.

Kobe 

You can"t go wrong with The Big Lebowski for taking your mind off your troubles.

The one piece of marriage advise I can give is, it's all about compromise. If you are not willing to give a little, it will never work. Best wishes, if you want to work it out, you will.

vinfix

Sorry to read you're going through this all-too-common problem. Been there myself. You seem pretty self-aware, which will help you cope however it goes. There are certainly a lot more important things than old bicycles. Hobbies (of which I've had too many), work, home renovations- these are all things that can take us out of the relationship. It's not why we get married to begin with! One thing I learned is, you have to be present- you shouldn't have to give up pieces of yourself, but you have to show up. Another thing- with things like menopause, mental health, etc.- that's playing with dynamite and not an argument you can win. You will only be seen as trying to invalidate whatever her issues are.

KonAaron Snake 

So I know you didn't ask for advice, but you wouldn't be posting this if you were happy or content about things. First, I think assuming it's menopause is a very dangerous assumption...I would read the fact pattern offered (even assuming menopause contributes) as:

Your wife is seriously upset about_____.

While time spent in c/v might contribute to something being wrong, or be a needle that broke a back, I doubt it's a root cause...and it's root cause stuff that needs to be addressed. I would tell her in no uncertain terms:

I love you.
I know I'm not perfect.
I want a successful US.
I would like to work towards that goal.
How would you feel about couples counseling?

I'd suggest listening more than speaking, and always remembering it's not about being right...it's about being an effective team.

francophile 

Agreed on this, as it was said in others ^^

Sounds like you guys are both getting near the threshold of some pretty big stuff, and when a lot of crap comes to a head like that, stress happens and we all deal with it differently. There's probably a side benefit to going into couples counseling: They'll probably do one-on-one sessions, at which time her panic attacks are likely to come up and be dealt with. Asking someone just to go in and talk to a headshrink alone is damn near impossible.

Whatever pans out, I hope you stick with what makes you happy and makes your life worthwhile. Not saying it's bad to put others before yourself, but in situations like this, you gotta make sure you're OK, because when we're not OK ourselves, it's pretty difficult to make good decisions.

cyclotoine

Sounds like you have a lot of things you are passionate and interested in a working on. Working towards being better (as you define it). Sounds like you are or were pretty happy. The big question is, was she? does she? Does she have interests that she pursues and a separate social support network?

The biggest pitfall of a relationship is expecting someone else to be responsible for your happiness. They are not responsible. The individual is responsible for pursuing their own dreams and having their own joys. You can enjoy the same thing, but you can't expect someone else to be responsible for it. Does any of that relate?

For me anxiety comes from feeling like I am not doing enough. I get caught up in working on the house, yard work, bike work and getting in enough riding to be fit, getting in enough adventure to be cool etc. etc., as others have said you don't have to do anything and there is no right or wrong. Do you experience some of this type of always looking to the future anxiety? You may be mostly happy with it as it sounds like you have things going the way you want. However, we're not really in control and worrying about controlling things too much is unhealthy. This drive will wear down your partner as you go about stressing about the next step while they just want to live in the moment.

I am working on this myself and I can see the effects my anxious nature has had on my partner over the last few years. She is more anxious now, she thinks she's not fast enough or not good enough as a technical rider because that is the judgement I put on myself. Now she is reflecting it and feeling down. Now that I am learning to recognize it I see it's devastating impact. I'm used to it, she isn't and she doesn't know why she is feeling low.

The important thing is we're talking about it, we're recognizing it and yes we do go to counselling or have at times. A relationship is constant change and constant work so your partner needs to know you are ready and willing to work. You need tools to manage it and counselling is a great way to get some tools.

Wishing you all the best.

jetboy 

Listen to Snake (and go watch Escape from New York). best advice I have seen. assuming you want her back. There is also a saying "No good marriage ends in divorce". My friends who separated and divorced say the same thing: "Don't say.. sorry to hear that... or sorry it did not work out..." Sometimes things are one thing for a while, and then they need to pass and its no ones fault. it just is.

jeirvine 

Man, there's some great advice in this thread.

I'll just add that though my marriage is strong, it's been a stressful few months between the bizarre primary election season, four weeks of almost non-stop rain, and some unexpected but essential home maintenance expenses. But we'll get through it because we talk a lot, and don't assume anything about the other. Seems to work for us. Best of luck.

Dave Cutter

If N is what some one can get away with, before the separation than I would think you could count up more than a +1. Only "she" could score any changes as "enough" to return to N.

It maybe time to do your own scoring. Do you require the diet and it's many disruptions..... to be happy? Do you need 75 hours of work to be happy? Special trim, appliances, bicycle projects? My guess is you stiffaled happiness, with time consuming...... stuff. Hopefully (and most likely) you will find happiness in the process that lyes ahead.

I've been there myself. It all works out fine!