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Officially crazy - is my life over?

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Officially crazy - is my life over?

Old 06-30-17, 03:34 AM
  #51  
qcpmsame 
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@sooznd, Excellent post and some timely advice we all need to consider. Dave seems to have struck a chord with many of us, a time to rethink our conceptions about people dealing with mental health issues. We all have things to manage in our daily existence so judging others' for their battles is unhealthy for our own health. Definitely has made me grateful for the support I have received here, and from other cyclist.

Bill
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Old 06-30-17, 10:56 AM
  #52  
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Thank you, too, Bill and all.

To update, the last few days have been extremely eventful in my real, non-cyberworld, life. Like, 2 epic, epic meltdowns where I ranted, raged, and generally blew my stack like Mt. St. Helens about all of the things in my past. Poor coworker listened to one, then helped me play "pick up the 200 client files thrown across the office"; second one was in the parking lot at my gym, walked out with a buddy from boot camp, he played "pick up the pieces of the iPhone that was thrown 60 feet across a parking lot" and basically held me back and hugged me and calmed me down until I could at least stop crying enough to drive off. That was Wed/Thursday morning. Quiet and pretty deserted here at work today, since almost everyone in our office and the entire office complex has bugged out for an early start to the holiday weekend. My buddy from boot camp texted me a couple of times yesterday, we had a good talk before the class today and a good talk after class as we showered and got ready to go to work. I feel about a thousand times better actually - this crap had to come out. He's gonna check on me a couple of times a day over the holiday weekend, but we have boot camp Monday anyway, even though I'm off work that day.

I mean hey, yeah, on the surface, maybe it is pretty "crazy" for a 52 year old man to be standing in the parking lot of a busy suburban gym on a Thursday morning at 7:30 am, crying, throwing up, trashing $600 pieces of technology, and ranting and raving about being raped, fondled and molested from 4-16, about being hit, punched, kicked until I was 24, about how the monster slit his mother's throat to "warn her", about being subjected to all of that in my past and also having SO MUCH of my life's potential STOLEN from me - like, I could NEVER be a father, I knew at 18 that was off the table, because how could I be a REAL FATHER WHO PROTECTS HIS KIDS AT THE COST OF EVEN HIS OWN LIFE when I could not protect myself? How could I be a HUSBAND to a woman when I cannot protect her or am not sure I'm stable enough to be a good provider? What about other dreams, like career advancement or personal fulfillment? My life is very good by some standards, but it is NOTHING compared to what it COULD HAVE BEEN if my POTENTIAL, my FAITH, my INNOCENCE, my OPTIMISM, my SELF WORTH, my DIGNITY, so many things were not STOLEN FROM ME. STOLEN, STOLEN, STOLEN. NO OTHER WORD FOR IT. STOLEN.

So yeah, 2 epic meltdowns getting physical and verbal in a way I NEVER HAVE in my life, but NOT directed at anyone but THE MONSTER and the my perception that the Universe is UNFAIR and WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW SUFFERING? WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW EVIL? So, crazy???? Oh, you bet? Crazy like some sociopathic mass shooter, HELL NO, my anger was intense but controlled to avoid any collateral damage that I wasn't willing to assume responsibility for - files are re-organizable, and well, it was a 6 anyway, if they can't repair the screen I guess I can get a 7. Sure it was all Very Crazy, but it was like, Very Crazy in a WAY, WAY, WAY CATHARTIC SHOULDA DONE THIS 30 YEARS AGO CRAZY, HELL YES KINDA WAY! It felt SO good after the dust settled and I calmed down.

In more technical psychological terms, based on what I've read about the neuropsychology of trauma, it seems what I did was to "reprocess" some of the very painful memories which have caused the flashbacks, anxiety, etc. The theory (and I'm no psychologist) seems to be that in people with PTSD, the memories, which exist on a neurochemical level as molecules attached to various specific receptors on specific types of cells in certain areas of the brain, and which are affected by levels of neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, etc.) get "stuck" in the short-term, more vivid and intense memory banks of the brain, and can't be properly "processed" and transferred over to the long-term storage - like, it's stuck on the C drive and won't upload to the Cloud.

I don't know quite what to say ... after the storm, it seems the skies have cleared, the sun is coming back out, things are just quiet and calm. I really feel "different" today - I hope it lasts - no suicidal thoughts, no thoughts about how I'm scum of the Earth and need to be hunted and exterminated like a rabid dog, no flashbacks about being raped at 4 in the shower or thrown down the stairs at 2-3 or hit or whatever.

Gonna do a Century plus tomorrow, gonna shoot for A^2 as a destination.
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Old 06-30-17, 04:26 PM
  #53  
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I think that getting pent up frustration and anxiety out in a safe manner can make a difference for many of us. Keeping the harmful stuff bottled up just lets pressure build until something gives. Pitching a good fit, having a cathartic cry or in your case throwing a really expensive smartphone. (I'll pass on this method, my wife would have my hide if I trashed my brand new iPhone.)

If I had been through even a small fraction of what you survived, there wouldn't be enough cell phones to throw to make me feel better. I am amazed at your being able to keep moving forward. Please keep moving forward and use the fact you have not given in as a source of strength to get the help you need. You are actually an amazing person to be able to put the many horrible things you had done to you into words, also.

The nice long ride sounds like a splendid idea Dave, be sure to post your ride report. Have a great weekend, new PM will be forthcoming shortly.

Bill

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Old 07-01-17, 08:30 AM
  #54  
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One day at a time, Dave, and tomorrow will be a little bit better.

Do it every day!
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Old 07-01-17, 10:29 AM
  #55  
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There's a lot of caring comments coming from a group of strangers, Dave. Please see my PM.
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Old 07-01-17, 01:31 PM
  #56  
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Dave,
Considering what you have been through, you are doing very well. Look to the future. Best wishes.
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