cedricbosch

EDIT- Sorry, I misspelled the word "application" wrong. Anyway.

Hello all.

Since I am being forced to write an application essay for the college I am applying to, I decided to make the most of it and theme it on cycling. I know that the BF community is especially witty, so I thought I might humbly ask your assistance: any comments or changes you might have are very much appreciated!

Thanks!


I BIKED MY WAY TO COLLEGE

There are many things I missed in high school by not owning a car- the recurring discussions amongst my male peers about engine size, the independence from my dreaded carpool, and the inability to pack up my belongings and escape from home (as I, in my younger days, so often dreamed I would.) In fact, my success in running off and leading a triumphant life on the streets is limited to what I can carry on my bike. Motorcycle, you ask? Not quite.

Unfortunately, the bike I ride has no engine, something that has tried in vain to restrict the places to which I can go. My neighbors and friends all know me as the one who shows up to their houses dressed in spandex and Lycra, but they always seem puzzled when I emerge from an hour-long ride in 100-degree temperatures, drenched in sweat- and with a radiant smile on my face. There is something beautiful about being able to race through a city faster than any car- Beetle or Bugatti- while relying solely on the power of your own body. That is… most of the time.

"Get off the road you d*mn commie!!!" I turned my head towards the voice to discover an old man in a faded white pickup truck hurriedly reaching over to roll up his passenger window. Seconds later, tires screeching, he was speeding off into the distance. Was I enraged? No. Confused? Slightly. Laughing hysterically? Certainly. The reason I was not negatively affected by my comrade’s shrewd observation is because I knew something he didn’t. Most people perceive cyclists as naturally inferior to their four-wheeled brethren, but cyclists- myself included- have the satisfaction of knowing otherwise. By making several small yet significant sacrifices on a daily basis, I am able to simultaneously reduce my chance of heart attack, reduce my expenses, reduce my carbon footprint, and increase the delight of motorists around me as they gleefully laugh at their own insightful jokes.
Though I may have missed many interesting car-related conversations in high school, I am also proud to say I avoided the vehicle altogether.

urbanknight

If you're applying to a community college or a state school and have excellent grades, that will probably do. Aside from that, it's a far cry from a decent rough draft and I would say you typed this up in less than 15 minutes. The college wants to hear something about you, both your interests and what drives you. You need to put what cycling means to you, how it made you who you are and why you are able to cope with limited resources. What you wrote seems like a job application answer to the question "write about a difficult situation you overcame"

Better yet, can you tell us what (if any) guidelines the college wants in this essay? If they just said a word count, they don't care, but you might as well make it a thesis worth reading in case it comes down to you and the other guy.

Oh yeah, I'm a teacher for what it's worth. Best of luck, and good job on investing in your future.

permanentjaun

I'd say you need fix it so that you're typing with correct grammar instead of internet grammar. For example, where you write: (as I, in my younger days, so often dreamed I would.), car- Beetle or Bugatti- while, That is… most of the time, ,and but cyclists- myself included- have

Also, type the paper as a paper, and not a discussion. Avoid sections such as this: Was I enraged? No. Confused? Slightly. Laughing hysterically? Certainly. Instead you could write something like. "Laughing hysterically, I was too confused as to what just happened to become enraged."

Another thing I thought was, what's the point of your paper? So far you're talking about your experiences of being mocked, and verbally attacked. The title of your paper is 'I biked my way to college' How did bicycling get you to college? Besides the obvious reasons you list of reduced chance of heart attack, carbon foot print, blah blah blah, how did the biking change you? I'm not sure if that is your entire paper, but I'll assume it is for now. Your last sentence was how you were proud with avoiding owning a vehicle. Your last sentence should be about bikes at the very least. That's what your paper is about; not cars.

I think you should write the paper more about the life lessons you learned while on the bike. What more could you say you taught yourself when overcoming the times people verbally attacked you? Why did you decide to bike instead of getting a car? Many of us on BF have cars and bicycles at the same time. Could you not afford a car? Did you avoid it for the carbon footprint, costs, health, etc? Make the college paper personal. It's about you; not the cars you avoided or even the bike. Promote yourself.

Oh and I think it'd be cool to describe biking in different ways. For example you said, " Unfortunately, the bike I ride has no engine." I think it would be more colorful and engaging if you wrote something like, "My cycle is powered by a powerful, 1400 watt, biological calorie burning machine. Blood, sweat, and the occasional tear are what excel my cycle forward." Play around with it, but don't get ridiculous.

cedricbosch

First of all, let me say that I regret posting this at such an early stage in the writing process. I really appreciate your suggestions and I will be sure to incorporate them in future drafts. That said, it is my job to make the essay as best as I can, and then come to you for help. Let's put this thread on hold until the end of the week, at which point I will have edited it multiple times, and hopefully made it a much more enjoyable piece.

That is correct. This is a rough draft and I probably should have waited a few drafts before asking for your suggestions.

Actually, the essay prompt is exactly that- they want me to tell them about a difficult situation or achievement in my life that I have drawn knowledge from.


Thank you!

From what I've heard and from what our teachers have told us, college essays are most effective when they act as a discussion between the student and the person grading the essay. Admissions officers have a huge stack of essays to read, and they would rather read something entertaining (albeit with meaning) than a page of dry self-praise.

Excellent point- I didn't realize how inconsistent that was. I'll be sure to re-word that.

I think I shied away from promoting myself because of my fear of coming off as over-confident and full of myself. But now that I think about it, the point of this essay is to promote yourself.

Many thanks for all of your suggestions. Again, let's put this on hold until I get my act together.

urbanknight

In that case, (1) They don't care about the essay as much as they should, but (2) You might as well knock their socks off and show yourself that you can make one kick-@$$ essay so you know you'll breeze through English 101.

This also means we can help you brainstorm or shape your initial idea. Nothing wrong with that, and you are still the one making the product. I don't think it was a bad idea to post this early, so long as you know you're still in the brainstorming phase. If you still want to hold off a week, that's fine. Otherwise, read on:

So, would you say you have compiled a decent amount of information regarding diet and fitness and/or ecological impacts thanks to your forced alternative mode of transportation? Stick with that as the difficult situation and leave the cussing redneck out of it. Go in depth about cars and greenhouse gasses (X% of drivers commute less than X miles to work. If they switched to bicycles, that would save X tons of smog per year, etc.), the navigational skills acquired in order to avoid highways and dangerous roads, maybe even improvements on your muscle tone and body fat if you have them documented.

v1k1ng1001

Worst college admissions essay ever. I'm telling you this, not because I want to be a jackass, but because I think you're making a mistake that will effect the rest of your life. You're obviously a skilled writer and I believe you can do much better.

You need to go to the Barnes and Noble nearest you and buy all of the relevant literature on college admissions. A little bit of research goes a long way.

permanentjaun

Building off of UK, make sure if you speak about what he mentions that you make it promote yourself. Instead of talking about how if everyone were to ride bikes the greenhouse gases would be cut by X%; talk about how you're a better person because of knowing these things. Perhaps your experience in biking and learning how much you're helping the world has impacted how you view other aspects of your life. Do you recycle more? Do you make sure to turn off the lights when leaving a room? Do you wait until you've pissed twice into a toilet before flushing? (Don't get that personal)

Again though, It's about you and how you're a better person because of cycling and overcoming the public perception that cycling is for losers. Something to consider as well is to branch the paper out. IMO, colleges are looking for talented, diverse individuals. What else do you do besides cycling to become a better person? Have you taken your new found knowledge of healthy habits and environmental awareness to help others realize a better life?

It can be hard to not come off as someone full of their own *****. It's all in the details. You should know yourself when you've crossed the line.

gabdy

So you spelt it correctly then?

shelbyfv

znomit

Those college classes are just valuable time away from your bike you know.

rubiksoval

In the 13 years that have transpired since this thread began, the OP has become a World Tour rider, obtained a Ph.D., started a Fortune 500 company, and retired to a Caribbean isle.

You totally nailed the "talent" trait!

Matterden

I think it can be a good topic, if you rewrite it and add some thoughts and description of yourself. Another way can be applying to professional writers for help. I can recommend reading a review of Paperial writing service. They can write or edit a paper in any field, and of any difficulty. I've used this service, and can say they are real professionals.

datlas 

Why?

nvm if you read carefully my guess is the bumper deleted his post once he figured out how old the thread is.

OliviaValdes

Hello everyone.