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when opposites attract

Old 11-08-05, 09:45 AM
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when opposites attract

i dont want to be making this all sappy and emo, but i do need some advise on something quite problematic. my girlfriend and i have been dating for nearly two years and there is a good possibility of being married sometime in the future, but we are quite opposite in a lot of ways, one of the big issues we keep coming back to is where our futures are going to take us, like with jobs and such.
early in the relationship we would have both been doing the same thing, we were both studying geology, but in the last year and a half we both changed our majors, her to biology, and i to art. she is interested in conservation work or just working out in nature in general, she is also a country girl, not country music line dancing kind of country, she just perfers to be away from masses of people. I, on the other hand, like city life and the art communities lend themselves to being centered in major metropolitan areas. so our worlds are kind of located quite opposite eachother. the thing is she, seems more intent on being away from cities than i am intent on being close to them, i just dont want to be hours away, i would like to be in commuting distance, and preferably by bike. i have yet to prove to her that both our worlds can be connected, i.e. live within a point close to a city but still close to wilderness.
i know that such a situation is more available out in the west but she wants to stay close to her family in indiana.
i just want some advise from the lot of you. i know there are some older chaps on these forums who might have some experience with this, maybe not, but i need some help from a third party.
thanks.
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Old 11-08-05, 09:52 AM
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Green acres is the place for me.
Farm livin' is the life for me.
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

New York is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic smelling hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue.
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Old 11-08-05, 09:53 AM
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Seriously though, maybe some place like Boulder where there's a city but access to the great outdoors is easy and it's an ingrained part of the local culture.
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Old 11-08-05, 09:53 AM
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Hmmmm,
I'll be the first to say that opposites don't always come out as the winners of the group.
This is from personal experience.
This is hard cause you both seem to be going in different directions in a sense, yes its ok to have seperate careers and such, but is there that BIG SOMETHING that connects you two together??
Nobody knows what the future holds but if you two share ENOUGH common interest, values, dreams and desires for the future then I would say you are fine, but thats the question you have to ask yourself about your relationship.
Ask yourselves if you both want the same thing a year from now and go from there.
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Old 11-08-05, 10:06 AM
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Opposites like that may be alot harder to resolve later in life.
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Old 11-08-05, 10:13 AM
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that's very similar to my situation. except i'm more like your GF.

you just gotta talk it though i guess. but neither of you should give in if it's really what you want...you'll never be happy that way.
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Old 11-08-05, 10:37 AM
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I think that you have to decide up front what you're willing to compromise for the relationship. Sit down with her and talk it out. Can you find a place where you can be in the country and yet close to a city? In the end it all comes down to what you're each willing to sacrifice for the other.....and I say each because making it a one-sided compromise is a design that will fail.
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Old 11-08-05, 11:38 AM
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Just end it now before any more time/effort/etc. is wasted.
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Old 11-08-05, 11:44 AM
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yeah, i know its bad to make a one sided compromise, thing is, shes so stuborn and doesnt think that a city can be in close proximity while still having some seclusion. another things that goads me is that she thinks that all i want is a city life, which is not true at all, i love the wilderness, i just want both worlds.
this issue isnt something i came on here about becuase its tearing us apart or anything, just something that needs resolved between us.
snowy, youre right, things that tie us together are important. i did get her into biking, and i know of many other things that brought us together in the first place. sometime she gets ornery...hormones...geez (i only kid).
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Old 11-08-05, 12:43 PM
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my dad was right:

you can always go to the city, but it's harder to go to the country.

not hard, as in effort, but you just don't seem to end up in the country as much as you end up in the city. i live in new york, and if it wasn't for cycling i'd rarely make it out of the city.
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Old 11-08-05, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by snowy
Hmmmm,
I'll be the first to say that opposites don't always come out as the winners of the group.
This is from personal experience.
This is hard cause you both seem to be going in different directions in a sense, yes its ok to have seperate careers and such, but is there that BIG SOMETHING that connects you two together??
Nobody knows what the future holds but if you two share ENOUGH common interest, values, dreams and desires for the future then I would say you are fine, but thats the question you have to ask yourself about your relationship.
Ask yourselves if you both want the same thing a year from now and go from there.
Snowy's on the right track I think. Statistically, the couples that last the longest are not opposites. They have A LOT in common, enjoy the same activities and share similar values, political leanings and have similar goals in life. However, people do change and develop over time and as a couple, sometimes you grow apart. The litmus test comes down to how hard you two want to work at it to stay together.

For example, long-distance relationships are usually disasters, however, there are couple that can make this work. Flights back and forth every other week, lots of phone calls, emails, etc. You two can find a place to live that may accomodate both your pasttimes. The question is: are you willing to do what it takes? And is it going to feel worth it afterwards?
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Old 11-08-05, 01:31 PM
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How similar are your parents (i.e., hers and yours)?
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Old 11-08-05, 02:03 PM
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It's called growing apart.
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Old 11-08-05, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by jbonus
It's called growing apart.
Or deciding what you can live without.
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Old 11-08-05, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by SpongeDad
How similar are your parents (i.e., hers and yours)?
umm, for one, her parents are still married, but i dont really know how similar her parents are to mine, i dot really know them. i dont know what it has to do with anything.
and as for growing apart, i think we're closer then ever really, its just something that she gets worked up over sometimes.
Danno, whats that litmus test? i know litmus paper, but pH has nothing to do with it...i dont think.
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Old 11-08-05, 03:51 PM
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Sorry, idiomatic expression for the dividing line between when you feel the work put into a relationship is worth what you're getting out of it, vs. putting in that same work and not feeling satisfied. At various points in all relationships, everyone questions this.

I lived with my sweatheart for 4.5 years, half of that during school and half afterwards. We were going to go off to med-school and law-school, get married and call ourselves the Huxtables. However, the logistics of making a long-distance relationship work and the efforts of flying coast-to-coast to spend quality time together ended up not being worth it for us. Our individual goals and our commitments to them were stronger than our shared goal of being together.

There's overlapping discussions in all sorts of fields of biology, psychology, anthropology, childhood-development, therapy, etc. over the causes and roles of "feelings". Volumes and volumes have been written all the way from clinical-research to fantasy romance novels over the past 5000 years about "love" . To this day, no one can really define it and each person will have their own idea.

What it really comes down to is both of your commitments to your own individual and shared futures. Little things that "she gets worked up over sometimes" will balloon to traumatic events later, especially if both of you a nice gunny-sackers; you need to address them early before they become a problem. Even more importantly is developing a structure where you can talk about those things amicably. How much work will you both be putting into your own career paths, and how much important is it to each of you to have a common future together? It just comes down to communications and negotiating. The subtleties and nuances of which may determine a balance of some sort. Things that you think are no big deal may be very important to her and vice-versa. How will you reach a middle ground? What do each of you have to give up or modify in the ways of individual goals in order to reach a common one? How much resentment will there be? Is it offset by the positives of being together? Will each of you feel that the results is worth the effort?

Not easy questions to quantify, but they cannot be ignored. Good luck!

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Old 11-08-05, 04:10 PM
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Opposites attract but do they stay together? So long as there is magnetic attraction...
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Old 11-08-05, 04:33 PM
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Originally Posted by ycptlwp
Opposites attract but do they stay together? So long as there is magnetic attraction...
thats a neat quote..il remember that one
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Old 11-08-05, 07:09 PM
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I keep moving to the country, but the city keeps following me!
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Old 11-08-05, 07:24 PM
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Stay in Australia. Depending on your city of choice, you can be in the country and yet be between 15mins to 1.5 hrs train ride to the city. The best of both worlds i say.

Sorry that's a compromise on both parts (i.e. she's not in indiana and you can't cycle to the city) but often compromise is what relationships are all about.
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Old 11-08-05, 10:04 PM
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Originally Posted by lauren
I agree with Danno and Snowy. You have to have something in common. My problem is finding a guy as crazy as I am
Your real problem is that guys that crazy die young, thus not many left at this time outside of captivity...
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Old 11-09-05, 01:44 AM
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Originally Posted by theritor
umm, for one, her parents are still married, but i dont really know how similar her parents are to mine, i dot really know them. i dont know what it has to do with anything.
and as for growing apart, i think we're closer then ever really, its just something that she gets worked up over sometimes.
Danno, whats that litmus test? i know litmus paper, but pH has nothing to do with it...i dont think.
Many of us are a lot more like our parents than we care to admit. Not clones, but parents exert a heavy imprinting influence on their kids. It's not a hard and fast rule. If you spend enough time with her parents for them to stop behaving themselves, you'd probably see a rough predicter of what the gf will be like in 10 to 15 years. Like what you're seeing? And if you're not talking about a relationship worth projecting 10-15 yrs down the line, there's not much point in sweating any of the life issues in you're original post.
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Old 11-09-05, 01:56 AM
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Originally Posted by SpongeDad
Many of us are a lot more like our parents than we care to admit. Not clones, but parents exert a heavy imprinting influence on their kids. It's not a hard and fast rule. If you spend enough time with her parents for them to stop behaving themselves, you'd probably see a rough predicter of what the gf will be like in 10 to 15 years. Like what you're seeing? And if you're not talking about a relationship worth projecting 10-15 yrs down the line, there's not much point in sweating any of the life issues in you're original post.
That is the most horrifying thing I've ever heard in my life.

Do you guys have to live together? I know society says that's what to do, but society also says you should drive your SUV a hundred metres down the road to get macdonalds at the drive through and come back.

I think I could be happy not living with the love of my life.
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Old 11-09-05, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by javna_golina
That is the most horrifying thing I've ever heard in my life.

Do you guys have to live together? I know society says that's what to do, but society also says you should drive your SUV a hundred metres down the road to get macdonalds at the drive through and come back.

I think I could be happy not living with the love of my life.
no we dont live together right now. but that is a strange notion, not living with a sig. other. are there people out there that do this? and by choice, not like theyre being shipped off becuase of their job or what have you.
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Old 11-09-05, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by theritor
no we dont live together right now. but that is a strange notion, not living with a sig. other. are there people out there that do this? and by choice, not like theyre being shipped off becuase of their job or what have you.
sure
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