Am I a "Poser" in cycling and therefore should get out?
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If you get back on the bike the next day, then today was not a bad day. It was just a day that made you stronger. Reframe how think about it. When you survive a horrible childhood or a severe life-threatening illness or other catastrophic situation, you win. Every day you dust yourself off and try again is proof you survived and won. The miles don't matter as much as you think.
I just finished the 11th book in 2 months relating to trauma and recovery, child abuse, CSA, CPTSD and comorbid mental health conditions:
Rebuilding Shattered Lives: Treating Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, James A. Chu, M.D.
Everything I am experiencing seems very consistent with the theory and practices he writes about, which gives me some degree of hope that I can get through this to some place of resolution of the internal conflicts. I really found that book insightful because Chu is a Harvard Med School psychiatrist who started a clinic from scratch to treat adult survivors of child abuse, and the book is written as a "how to" guide for clinicians to adopt and implement his treatment protocols.
#27
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Don't Mention What You Spend on Cycling
It's unseemly, Dave. It gives the appearance you're trolling.
#28
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Riding a bike won't heal emotional scars. It's fun (if you let it be fun) but it isn't magic. Healing takes time. Emotional healing often requires something transformative, like initiation. And some scars never heal.
To avoid dehydration, bonking and hyponatremia, drink water and consume sugar and salts. Find a balance of those that works for you.
Riding with other people can help, too.
To avoid dehydration, bonking and hyponatremia, drink water and consume sugar and salts. Find a balance of those that works for you.
Riding with other people can help, too.
#29
Spin Meister
By the way, I highly recommend Ten Points, a memoir by Bill Strickland, an editor at Bicycling magazine. It would be on point for you, tough to read because of the subject matter yet possibly showing you one way forward. Good luck.
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Yeah, probably, but I guess I'm more just grasping at any life preserver anyone is willing to throw in the water right now 'cause I've got nothing, and when I have these waves of panic I panic and do stupid sh$$.
If this looks bad you won't want to see the non-cyber, flesh and blood version. Starting with my job.
So sorry about that.
I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I'm not the problem after all, and I am reversing causality with this thing. Accept that truth and get a few wins under my belt again and I'll be ok.
If this looks bad you won't want to see the non-cyber, flesh and blood version. Starting with my job.
So sorry about that.
I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I'm not the problem after all, and I am reversing causality with this thing. Accept that truth and get a few wins under my belt again and I'll be ok.
Last edited by DaveQ24; 07-03-17 at 09:39 AM.
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Pick something and actively improve it; cycling is great for that. It alters your mind-set, as long as you're doing something and it starts to work. It may be too little too late, I don't know but it has helped me get over some humps.
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I'm well over 50. Spent the past two years doing a lot less riding. Saw the Cycle Oregon course last January and signed up, knowing that I was going to ride it on a fix gear after seeing the course profile. (Going to Crater Lake - not flat - but a course with few required stops to turn the wheel around for a lower gear.)
So I got back on the bike again, but with a plan. That was and still is a gradual buildup toward being strong, fit and injury free this September. (That injury free bit at 64 yo is VERY important! Not burning out is also important. I've done many LSD rides. I do hard rides occasionally and have reaped big gains from them, but if I get on the bike and don't have it, I don't push. Yesterday was one of those days. It was day 7 of riding every day, with hard efforts last Wed and Thurs. Got going. Chain sounded dry. Went back and lubed it, well. Finally get started. Bike felt great. I didn't. The plan was to go 70 miles with several hard hills coming home. I felt no enthusiasm. Decided to go 1/3rd of the way and turn around. Got there and kept going. Went past my next turn-around point. But I had zero enthusiasm for the 10 miles then the final hills. So I cut it short and "loafed" over one of the areas toughest climbs, not caring at all how slow I went. (Portland area's Laurelwood Rd, 20 miles SW of town.) Rambled home. The ride was not what I intended, but it wasn't a setback and I felt good after.
I find it really important to listen to my body. Not just the injuries and muscles but the intangibles. Sometimes I get the word that I shouldn't ride. I usually regret not listening. When I hear that and do ride, I usually don't pay too much penalty if I keep that ride strictly easy.
Ben
So I got back on the bike again, but with a plan. That was and still is a gradual buildup toward being strong, fit and injury free this September. (That injury free bit at 64 yo is VERY important! Not burning out is also important. I've done many LSD rides. I do hard rides occasionally and have reaped big gains from them, but if I get on the bike and don't have it, I don't push. Yesterday was one of those days. It was day 7 of riding every day, with hard efforts last Wed and Thurs. Got going. Chain sounded dry. Went back and lubed it, well. Finally get started. Bike felt great. I didn't. The plan was to go 70 miles with several hard hills coming home. I felt no enthusiasm. Decided to go 1/3rd of the way and turn around. Got there and kept going. Went past my next turn-around point. But I had zero enthusiasm for the 10 miles then the final hills. So I cut it short and "loafed" over one of the areas toughest climbs, not caring at all how slow I went. (Portland area's Laurelwood Rd, 20 miles SW of town.) Rambled home. The ride was not what I intended, but it wasn't a setback and I felt good after.
I find it really important to listen to my body. Not just the injuries and muscles but the intangibles. Sometimes I get the word that I shouldn't ride. I usually regret not listening. When I hear that and do ride, I usually don't pay too much penalty if I keep that ride strictly easy.
Ben
#33
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The real secret is having fun.
I read both here and mtbr (mountain biking). Here there's lots of discussion about suffering and long hard rides. Over on the mountain forums, it's about finding the "flow", where you just enjoy the ride. Just an interesting contrast...
You need to dial it back a little. Everyone here is riding for fun & fitness, it's not a career. If you're riding so hard that you're not having fun and it's impacting your health it's time to change your riding style.
Join a club, drive to new routes, try gravel or mountain biking.
It's one thing to push through some discomfort, set a personal best, etc. When you start having real physical symptoms, it's time to call the ride.
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I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you, but you need to embrace all the wins you get. As others have said, each day is a new day and you just have to forget any loses from before and start off fresh.
John
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Life Is Not A Competition.
Humans are amazingly complex. There is ALWAYS someone else around who is faster, fitter, more consistent, more handsome, wealthier, more-something.
Since you're not a pro, ignore it.
If you have to measure, measure yourself against you.
What someone else might have done in your situation isn't important.
What you might have done a week before or a week after isn't important.
All that matters is what you did then&there compared to what you could have done then & there.
Pathetic - I can't tell from a single post. But I've heard a lot of people with cruder goals and shallower reasons.
I say no.
Wannabee - well yeah. You say you want to be an athlete. By definition you'll be a wannabee until you either quit, or reach whatever goal you need to achieve to be able to think of yourself as an athlete. What's that, doing a triathlon? Doing a Tri and placing within the top xx of your age group?
Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition. Tends to help with motivation.
If you have trouble dealing with disappointment, I'd recommend using an attainable goal.
Poser - really?
Ever heard "fake it 'til you make it"?
If you're trying hard enough to puke, that'd really be taking posing to a whole new level.
In fact, you'd have taken it so far I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between that and "real" trying.
It'd need a lab and some serious blood work to sort that out.
Loser - again, Life Is Not A Competition.
In life, "loser" is an attitude, not a list placement.
To me, a loser is a quitter. Someone who doesn't even try properly.
Doesn't sound like you.
But a bit of acceptance might do you good.
Sometimes the body has a mind of its own.
Sometimes events and circumstances gang up on you.
Sometimes flexibility and adaptability is overall better than stubborn determination.
There will always be someone faster, stronger, better. Don't sweat it.
Don't wait for God. Life should be rewarding while its being lived. If it isn't, find out what you're doing wrong and fix it.
Humans are amazingly complex. There is ALWAYS someone else around who is faster, fitter, more consistent, more handsome, wealthier, more-something.
Since you're not a pro, ignore it.
If you have to measure, measure yourself against you.
What someone else might have done in your situation isn't important.
What you might have done a week before or a week after isn't important.
All that matters is what you did then&there compared to what you could have done then & there.
I say no.
Wannabee - well yeah. You say you want to be an athlete. By definition you'll be a wannabee until you either quit, or reach whatever goal you need to achieve to be able to think of yourself as an athlete. What's that, doing a triathlon? Doing a Tri and placing within the top xx of your age group?
Nothing wrong with a bit of ambition. Tends to help with motivation.
If you have trouble dealing with disappointment, I'd recommend using an attainable goal.
Poser - really?
Ever heard "fake it 'til you make it"?
If you're trying hard enough to puke, that'd really be taking posing to a whole new level.
In fact, you'd have taken it so far I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between that and "real" trying.
It'd need a lab and some serious blood work to sort that out.
Loser - again, Life Is Not A Competition.
In life, "loser" is an attitude, not a list placement.
To me, a loser is a quitter. Someone who doesn't even try properly.
Doesn't sound like you.
But a bit of acceptance might do you good.
Sometimes the body has a mind of its own.
Sometimes events and circumstances gang up on you.
Sometimes flexibility and adaptability is overall better than stubborn determination.
There will always be someone faster, stronger, better. Don't sweat it.
Don't wait for God. Life should be rewarding while its being lived. If it isn't, find out what you're doing wrong and fix it.
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Yeah, probably, but I guess I'm more just grasping at any life preserver anyone is willing to throw in the water right now 'cause I've got nothing, and when I have these waves of panic I panic and do stupid sh$$.
If this looks bad you won't want to see the non-cyber, flesh and blood version. Starting with my job.
So sorry about that.
I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I'm not the problem after all, and I am reversing causality with this thing. Accept that truth and get a few wins under my belt again and I'll be ok.
If this looks bad you won't want to see the non-cyber, flesh and blood version. Starting with my job.
So sorry about that.
I finally came to the conclusion that maybe I'm not the problem after all, and I am reversing causality with this thing. Accept that truth and get a few wins under my belt again and I'll be ok.
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Thanks again guys... today was a "do-over"
Since I had a 4 day weekend (wasn't expecting Monday) I took the time to revisit this entire incident.
There are numerous logical failures in my "emotional outburst" in post #1 - I only have a moment right now, and 4% battery life, so leave it there.
I repeated the ride but with significant changes:
I left at around midnight, cool clear dry and breezy weather.
I usually bundle up due to anemia issues, but wore a compression shirt and traditional jersey. Took 2 extra shirts in case, added one around 3 am and 2nd at 5 am.
I drank about 3 times my normal water - I wasn't getting enough.
I ate every hour - 1 cup nonfat Greek Yogurt, 2 tablespoons almonds, AND - very different for me - 1/2 a standard Hershey bar.
I altered the route dramatically, the 120 round trip was "due west then due south" - I shaved 35 miles by doing the hypotenuse, basically, easy here because many roads are true NS / EW in a grid pattern (our "Mile Roads") so S a mile then W a mile.
Ended being about 90 miles, 7 hours total - on an alloy hybrid with trunk rack and gear/supplies.
Not perfect ... but "good enough" and I'm happy because I can do it.
There are numerous logical failures in my "emotional outburst" in post #1 - I only have a moment right now, and 4% battery life, so leave it there.
I repeated the ride but with significant changes:
I left at around midnight, cool clear dry and breezy weather.
I usually bundle up due to anemia issues, but wore a compression shirt and traditional jersey. Took 2 extra shirts in case, added one around 3 am and 2nd at 5 am.
I drank about 3 times my normal water - I wasn't getting enough.
I ate every hour - 1 cup nonfat Greek Yogurt, 2 tablespoons almonds, AND - very different for me - 1/2 a standard Hershey bar.
I altered the route dramatically, the 120 round trip was "due west then due south" - I shaved 35 miles by doing the hypotenuse, basically, easy here because many roads are true NS / EW in a grid pattern (our "Mile Roads") so S a mile then W a mile.
Ended being about 90 miles, 7 hours total - on an alloy hybrid with trunk rack and gear/supplies.
Not perfect ... but "good enough" and I'm happy because I can do it.
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Since I had a 4 day weekend (wasn't expecting Monday) I took the time to revisit this entire incident.
There are numerous logical failures in my "emotional outburst" in post #1 - I only have a moment right now, and 4% battery life, so leave it there.
I repeated the ride but with significant changes:
I left at around midnight, cool clear dry and breezy weather.
I usually bundle up due to anemia issues, but wore a compression shirt and traditional jersey. Took 2 extra shirts in case, added one around 3 am and 2nd at 5 am.
I drank about 3 times my normal water - I wasn't getting enough.
I ate every hour - 1 cup nonfat Greek Yogurt, 2 tablespoons almonds, AND - very different for me - 1/2 a standard Hershey bar.
I altered the route dramatically, the 120 round trip was "due west then due south" - I shaved 35 miles by doing the hypotenuse, basically, easy here because many roads are true NS / EW in a grid pattern (our "Mile Roads") so S a mile then W a mile.
Ended being about 90 miles, 7 hours total - on an alloy hybrid with trunk rack and gear/supplies.
Not perfect ... but "good enough" and I'm happy because I can do it.
There are numerous logical failures in my "emotional outburst" in post #1 - I only have a moment right now, and 4% battery life, so leave it there.
I repeated the ride but with significant changes:
I left at around midnight, cool clear dry and breezy weather.
I usually bundle up due to anemia issues, but wore a compression shirt and traditional jersey. Took 2 extra shirts in case, added one around 3 am and 2nd at 5 am.
I drank about 3 times my normal water - I wasn't getting enough.
I ate every hour - 1 cup nonfat Greek Yogurt, 2 tablespoons almonds, AND - very different for me - 1/2 a standard Hershey bar.
I altered the route dramatically, the 120 round trip was "due west then due south" - I shaved 35 miles by doing the hypotenuse, basically, easy here because many roads are true NS / EW in a grid pattern (our "Mile Roads") so S a mile then W a mile.
Ended being about 90 miles, 7 hours total - on an alloy hybrid with trunk rack and gear/supplies.
Not perfect ... but "good enough" and I'm happy because I can do it.
It's all perspective...your "good enough" would have been "amazing" had I done it. My longest ride is 40 miles so I'm impressed as hell by what you did. It's celebration worthy! Look in the mirror, give yourself a pat on the back - you not only persevered, you succeeded at something only a small percentage of people can do. The # of people in the general population who can pull off a 90 mile ride is minuscule. You can do a century, how many foks are capable of that???? Now give yourself some nice treats for your body as a reward.
#41
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It's all perspective...your "good enough" would have been "amazing" had I done it. My longest ride is 40 miles so I'm impressed as hell by what you did. It's celebration worthy! Look in the mirror, give yourself a pat on the back - you not only persevered, you succeeded at something only a small percentage of people can do. The # of people in the general population who can pull off a 90 mile ride is minuscule. You can do a century, how many foks are capable of that???? Now give yourself some nice treats for your body as a reward.
Treats? You must have missed the part about 1/2 a Hershey Bar every hour.
I went to this RD about 3 years ago for a few months - she said I, everyone, should eat 2-3 ounces of chocolate a couple of times a week - as long as it was 85% or higher Cacao.
Maybe Hershey bars in moderation with a purpose, blood sugar level maintenance during exertion, fat to slow absorption and avoid spikes and drops, is a better plan? Sounds good to me.
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Thanks that means a lot to me.
Treats? You must have missed the part about 1/2 a Hershey Bar every hour.
I went to this RD about 3 years ago for a few months - she said I, everyone, should eat 2-3 ounces of chocolate a couple of times a week - as long as it was 85% or higher Cacao.
Maybe Hershey bars in moderation with a purpose, blood sugar level maintenance during exertion, fat to slow absorption and avoid spikes and drops, is a better plan? Sounds good to me.
Treats? You must have missed the part about 1/2 a Hershey Bar every hour.
I went to this RD about 3 years ago for a few months - she said I, everyone, should eat 2-3 ounces of chocolate a couple of times a week - as long as it was 85% or higher Cacao.
Maybe Hershey bars in moderation with a purpose, blood sugar level maintenance during exertion, fat to slow absorption and avoid spikes and drops, is a better plan? Sounds good to me.
#43
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I sat down for about 30 minutes when I got home, then spent the day working out cleaning up the yard. 4 acres neglected for 5 years, today was relatively easy, sprayed a lot of Roundup, trying to get rid of the weeds and volunteer seedlings, especially poison ivy starting in the about 1/2 acre woodlot at the rear of the yard.
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I crashed bad nearly 6 years ago on my bike. Broke my neck, broke my back did a lot of damage. The mental damage is what I am fighting today. I cannot ride more than 10 miles before my survival instinct forces me off the bike because I JUST KNOW I AM GOING TO CRASH. I cannot ride up or down hills. Watching others do it and my palms are sweating. I keep finding excuses not to ride outdoors but only indoors. And I just bought some cleated shoes to limit heel strikes on my bike frame, the bike I crashed on and have ridden outdoors. Since achilles tendon reconstruction in December, my heel wants to turn into the chain stay. Even with pedal extenders, I still get heel strikes. But I ca easily say, I cannot ever see myself riding clipless outside ever... Twenty years ago, I was a monster. Today, the monster beats me just enough to question my very desire to be on a bike. And I kick him in the throat with every stroke of the pedals, even indoors. Living in fear sucks...
#45
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I'd agree with those Hershey Bars being a treat! There's nothing like a standard milk chocolate flat Hershey's when you want some chocolate. But the thought of a nice hot shower and stretching out afterwards could be the prize in that box of cereal for me.
Getting the yard work underway sounds like a start in resuming life, as we knew it, just don't let it become another trip wire when you don't or can't get something finished up quite the way you want. Enjoy that you are progressing some each day, but don't stop with the therapist please. One step at a time is how this one is going to be played out, including those days when its a back step. Good to know that you have found a way to see the positives that come your way, keep that outlook going.
Bill
Getting the yard work underway sounds like a start in resuming life, as we knew it, just don't let it become another trip wire when you don't or can't get something finished up quite the way you want. Enjoy that you are progressing some each day, but don't stop with the therapist please. One step at a time is how this one is going to be played out, including those days when its a back step. Good to know that you have found a way to see the positives that come your way, keep that outlook going.
Bill
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Semper Fi, USMC, 1975-1977
I Can Do All Things Through Him, Who Gives Me Strength. Philippians 4:13
Semper Fi, USMC, 1975-1977
I Can Do All Things Through Him, Who Gives Me Strength. Philippians 4:13
#46
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I crashed bad nearly 6 years ago on my bike. Broke my neck, broke my back did a lot of damage. The mental damage is what I am fighting today. I cannot ride more than 10 miles before my survival instinct forces me off the bike because I JUST KNOW I AM GOING TO CRASH. I cannot ride up or down hills. Watching others do it and my palms are sweating. I keep finding excuses not to ride outdoors but only indoors. And I just bought some cleated shoes to limit heel strikes on my bike frame, the bike I crashed on and have ridden outdoors. Since achilles tendon reconstruction in December, my heel wants to turn into the chain stay. Even with pedal extenders, I still get heel strikes. But I ca easily say, I cannot ever see myself riding clipless outside ever... Twenty years ago, I was a monster. Today, the monster beats me just enough to question my very desire to be on a bike. And I kick him in the throat with every stroke of the pedals, even indoors. Living in fear sucks...
It is something you could work on, if you think it would help you. I'm obviously in no way qualified to even ID your particulars, no suggest what could or might work, but it feels "familiar" enough to me to believe it falls somewhere on the trauma/PTSD/anxiety disorder spectrum - talking with a professional might help you, as I hope working with two of them (MD and PhD) will help me. Best of luck to you.
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Getting the yard work underway sounds like a start in resuming life, as we knew it, just don't let it become another trip wire when you don't or can't get something finished up quite the way you want. Enjoy that you are progressing some each day, but don't stop with the therapist please. One step at a time is how this one is going to be played out, including those days when its a back step. Good to know that you have found a way to see the positives that come your way, keep that outlook going.
Bill
Bill
I'm soooo gonna enjoy watching these suckers turn brown and die, especially all of the poison ivy in my woods.
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I've been cycling for a little over a year now and honestly, I seriously doubt I'll ever attempt a 120 mile ride, let alone finish one.
When I started I wasn't thinking about riding long distances or getting a high end road bike or being a "serious cyclist". I was just looking to get in better shape, maybe lose a few pounds, and hopefully feel better. I started by riding an old mountain bike a few miles before work several days a week and gradually built up to a point where I felt I wanted a road bike to do some longer rides on the weekends so I bought a used road bike that is more than good enough for anyone that isn't riding competitively.
Now I'm at a point where I can do 40 miles plus and not feel sore the next day and feel pretty good about that. Could I go 50 or 60 or more? I don't really know and don't feel like it's something I have to do.
If at some point, I decide to do longer rides then I'll give it a try but if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to get rid of everything and stop riding. I'll just go back to doing what I'm comfortable with and enjoy.
When I started I wasn't thinking about riding long distances or getting a high end road bike or being a "serious cyclist". I was just looking to get in better shape, maybe lose a few pounds, and hopefully feel better. I started by riding an old mountain bike a few miles before work several days a week and gradually built up to a point where I felt I wanted a road bike to do some longer rides on the weekends so I bought a used road bike that is more than good enough for anyone that isn't riding competitively.
Now I'm at a point where I can do 40 miles plus and not feel sore the next day and feel pretty good about that. Could I go 50 or 60 or more? I don't really know and don't feel like it's something I have to do.
If at some point, I decide to do longer rides then I'll give it a try but if it doesn't work out, I'm not going to get rid of everything and stop riding. I'll just go back to doing what I'm comfortable with and enjoy.
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