Mr Pink57

This is a relationship post.

I'm originally had a longer post but am just going to get down to it.

She does not have a license but requires the service of a car constantly, I have a license and a car but am extremely car-lite. When we first started dating almost 4 years ago she was more conscious of getting herself around on her own but it has become a constant car this car that. We live about a mile from our jobs downtown Minneapolis so it's a short bus ride and a short bike ride for both of us. She will not take ubers, taxi's or any other form of transportation besides me driving her, this has bleed in to the work week every so often because she feels she does not want to wait 5 minutes for a bus. In the past she used to bike to work and she used to walk to work, not a nice bike but she did not want anything nice due to fear of it getting stolen (there is a funny story about that but not for here).

She just seems to have this mental laziness that irritates me to no end, there is no excuse for someone at our age to not be able to reason with how your life has to be led when you make a decision to not have a license. I have explained to her that she just needs the ID, she can use my car as much as she likes without much fuss from me.

Maybe I am the crack pot here and am way out of line. I would love to hear others stories of this both men AND women please.

corrado33

Sounds like she's taking advantage of your hospitality and that you'd likely do anything for her. <- Not a good combination. I had a girlfriend like this. She call and ask me to come pick her up from work and take her home or grab her lunch, which I was happy to do... for a while. She'd often ride her bike to work, then ask me to take her home (after a long day/cold day, etc.)

Eventually I caught on. We argued about it. Got over it. (She started driving to work unfortunately.) Eventually I realized she was doing this with the majority of the relationship, so 3 years in, we broke it off.

Sounds like a serious conversation is in order. "I don't mind picking you up once in awhile, but honestly this is getting to be a bit much. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of."

Depending on how she feels about you, you'll either get over it together, or it'll hold YOU back forever.

Roody

She sounds like a user and a gold digger. If she can't start taking better care of her own needs, I would dump her fast! Don't let her weakness bring you down with her.

mconlonx

Sell your car?

Mr Pink57

I mentioned this and she did not have a great reaction....

It is not to say things come easy for everyone. It is just easy for me to get around by bike everywhere I go. I go to work, school and the grocery store by bike and sometimes to friends houses. It is not that my time is considered non-valuable it's just I have a different mindset about getting things done.

I asked this question here mainly as it related to my car-lite lifestyle. I hate driving for the most part, I love cars though it is strange.

Machka 

A mile? That's a short walk. I wouldn't even bother cycling that.

Do you walk to work? If not, start. Simply tell her that you will be walking to work from now on because you want to get a little bit more exercise in your life.

Mobile 155

One of the biggest mistakes I have made early in my life is to give advice on how a person should deal with a girlfriend. I believe we had an issue very much like this some time ago in this forum. There was a lot of dump her suggestions. Some time later the OP came back and told us they got married and some of the issues got worked out.

Machka 

Yep ...

https://www.bikeforums.net/living-car...irlfriend.html

Mr Pink57

I bike it only because I will usually do a few things after work that are further than a mile on my bike, plus once a week I have class on the other end of the city.

CliffordK

I don't understand. Why doesn't she get her own driver's license? Any disability such as seizures?

Perhaps you and she need to sit down and discuss your "car-free" goals. When is it appropriate to drive? When not?

For example, you may choose to drive for a monthly trip to the grocery store, or drive to special events that either begin very early, end very late, or are quite distant from your home

Also consider driving as serving mutual goals. You and your GF go to dinner together.

However, you become a private taxi/chauffeur service if you are expected to pick her up at point A, drop her off at B, then later come back and get her at B, and take her back to A. That gets very old quick, and is a sign that she doesn't value your time or needs.

wolfchild

Encourage your girlfriend to get her own drivers license and then she can drive herself.

dksix

@Mr Pink57
Maybe I'm reading too much into it but you comment "she just seems to have this mental laziness that irritates me to no end", that sounds like some brewing dislike and unfortunately I've been on both ends of it. I'm not saying that can't be worked through but everyday that just becomes a heavier load to carry, eventually it will break you if someone doesn't start lightening the load. Good luck with it all but don't let love blind you and give up too much time to something either one of you aren't will to do whatever it takes make work.

Seattle Forrest

That's not a good sign for the relationship. People say things they don't fully mean when they're frustrated, but if you do really mean that, you need to put some thought into how important this relationship is to you, what your alternatives are, and what is most likely to make you happiest. But you said you've been together for four years, that's a big investment, and you must have seen a lot to get you to make it.

Why doesn't she have a license? Why won't she take a bus or taxi or uber? People don't usually hold firm on things just to annoy people they love. Does she have a medical issue? Anxiety? Maybe you can figure this out and work through it together.

wphamilton

Can't read too much into it. Could be that it's convenient, you've been willing to drive her to work, and that's become the routine. It could mean a lot of different things, and none of us here have a clue what it is.

We went car-free when my car needed repairs and I decided not to, and to not buy another. It worked out fine but I seriously doubt that my wife would have made that choice, given a choice. Car-free was fine for us. We bought a used car a few years later when I thought I might need one for work (turns out I didn't). That wasn't the end of the world either. Talked me into a new car that I didn't really need, I don't care much but it's great to have - we adapt. This is small stuff. I'm sure there are more important things to argue about.

Artkansas 

I need her side of the story.

Ekdog

The solution to so many of life's problems: get rid of your car.

350htrr

If that was my problem I would deal with it by telling her I am not a taxi driver, she needs to get a drivers licence and I would let her drive my car... Then she needs to deal with it by doing what she needs to do...

Walter S

+1. Those who say dump her seem to presume that the OP would find lovefree to be OK if he can be carfree.

Seattle Forrest

Good relationships are hard to come by. Bad ones are way too easy, and they can be fun for a little while but in the end they're not very fulfilling. Ending one isn't something anybody should rush into. Staying in a bad relationship isn't a great idea, either, and it's a choice no one else can make

Ekdog

Dumping the car would serve as an experiment: Does she love you or the taxi service you are providing?

tandempower

Sometimes these kinds of issues play out as a byproduct of deeper interpersonal issues. Without knowing these people in depth, this is just speculation, but it could be that a codependency dynamic has emerged where the one gets irritated by the other's weakness and so she gives into her own weakness more and more as a way of getting more attention, albeit the wrong kind. Maybe all that needs to change is for communication within the relationship to improve to the point where there is deep understanding of everyone's feelings regarding the car and driving.

When she understands more fully how you feel about using the car in the ways she is opting for, she will either empathize or grow increasingly manipulative emotionally to get you to put her wants ahead of your own considerations. At that point, you can help her decide whether she's willing to take responsibility for living independently of your driving her places or whether having a chauffeur is part of what really makes or breaks a relationship for her. . . and maybe she will just hate you standing up to her so much that she will leave you and search for a better push-over (or love you all the more for it and your relationship will get that much better).

gerv 

+1 There has got to be a back story somewhere.. perhaps even the OP needs to know it.

no1mad 

She's not too keen on you getting rid of the car, eh? Then take it off the board another way- loan it to friend/family 'in need' or disable it- and see what happens.

OTOH, it may be possible that her attitude is way of expressing that she needs/wan you in her life. Or maybe she's sticking to some sort of gender roles that she may have been brought up with.

350htrr

Ha, Ha, that could be true... I got a Daughter-In-Law that is VERY serious about the role of males and females, like there are pink jobs and there are blue jobs...

Oh yea, and Grandparent's jobs... Very specific ideas on that too...

Rob_E

My wife and I have car differences as well. She puts up with, more or less, my decision to not have a car, but I wouldn't say she agrees with it. I would say the difference between our situation and yours is that we are both self sufficient in getting around. If we go somewhere together, it's usually in the car. Otherwise, we use our preferred modes of transportation. If I refused to get a car, but had her driving me everywhere, there would be problems. So I sympathize, but I don't know what to tell you. An honest conversation may be in order, or maybe the car will just suddenly end up needing some serious repair that will take it out commission for a week or two so that everyone can confront how you can navigate the city without a car.

I was thinking king not too long ago about how I have a number of family members who cannot drive for medical reasons, and yet it took a long time for me to realize that I could ditch my car. With these car-free people in my life, you'd think I would have figured it out sooner. Except I realized that these family members get around a lot by getting rides. In some ways I'm more mobile not because I have license, but because I've found that I can get by on my own without a car and without asking for a ride. It's been very liberating, and I wonder if your girlfriend might not find it so as well if she could be nudged in the direction of being more self-sufficient.