Gerryattrick

This must be an issue that resonates with many 50+ers.

2015 was a terrible year for cycling for me due to injuries and their long term impact, but I was hoping that 2016 would be a lot better.

Now it looks as if cycling time is going to have to continue to be squeezed a bit for the foreseeable future due to family commitments. My Dad is getting on for 90 and he is starting to get visibly frailer month by month. He is housebound, with very poor mobility and has started having a few falls around the house, but is fiercely independent and wants to stay in his house, which will mean a lot of extra time with him by my sister and me, plus a care package to be put in place. My sister is thinking of packing up work to cover the extra time, but I am warning her to think carefully before making such a decision.

I live a 45 minute drive from Dad and my priority has to be his welfare, but I am hoping that on many of the days I go up to see him I can combine it with a couple of hours ride in my favourite cycling area in the UK, the Brecon Beacons, as he lives just a mile from the edge of the National Park. I hope that this doesn't make me seem too selfish, putting my own pleasure first, but it will still give me a few hours to tend to Dad's needs.

Biker395 

^ You're singing my song. It's gonna be an interesting year.

JohnnyCyclist

Ditto. Dad currently in hospital with pneumonia, vertebrae compression fracture from a fall, and underwent cardiac cath earlier today. Mother in nursing home for 2+ years, mind shot, but body apparently will be humming along for years. Sister already quit her job (not necessarily due to parents, but I'm sure it had some effect).

I haven't been on a bike in a month ... and that's not because the weather has been ****. Not going to rack up many miles in 2016.

tarwheel 

We've been going through similar issues with the in-laws over the past few years. My mother-in-law died about two years ago, but my father-in-law is in relatively good shape for his age (91). Unfortunately, he is increasingly less able to care for his home and other issues, but refuses to move into assisted-living housing. I understand his reluctance to move out of his house, but he can barely handle it. He needs a car to continue living at home but shouldn't be driving. He has fallen several times, once requiring hospitalization. He got a dog to keep him company but can't keep it under control, and it continually defecates and pees all over the house. The last time we visited his house, it was infested with fleas. We live about a 5-hour drive away, so we can only visit ever so often.

10 Wheels

It would give your Dad great comfort if someone could move in with him.

My Mother kept falling.

My brother moved in with her and the falls Stopped.

kevindsingleton 

We've been dealing with similar issues. We moved my parents up from Texas, last spring, and spent the entire summer in and out of hospitals, with frequent falls and other issues related to dad's Alzheimer's. Dad eventually fell and broke his leg, and never recovered after the surgery. Mom did pretty well, until her congestive heart failure put her in for a triple bypass. She's doing better, and doesn't fall as frequently, but she's not really competent to manage her affairs, any longer, and we have to take off work to get her to doctor's appointments and to manage her business.

There's nothing wrong with combining your visits with some saddle time. Life is for living.

reverborama

My mother passed away in May. It was extremely difficult but I got her to move into an assisted living facility a few years ago. This was after several falls. I live 1200 miles away and could not talk her into coming out here. It was the best decision I could have made. Long story short, I didn't get much riding in last summer because I spent a lot of time out there taking care of her estate. And it is still not done. While it is difficult to tell someone not to spend every second with your parents, you're no good to them if you destroy yourself in the process. You have to take care of yourself physically and mentally. This is not a license to ignore them either. You have to find a balance, and that balance may appear odd or wrong to someone who isn't right there in the middle of it. Since I didn't have a bike, I took 3-5 mile walks in the evenings. I got through it. It's still very, very sad. Ride enough to keep yourself sane and in shape but not so much that you feel guilty (easy to say, not so easy to do!!!!).

qcpmsame 

I can identify, my 86 y.o. mother is moving in with us, shortly. She has been living with my brother for two years, but he is leaving for Haiti, to train their police force for the UN. We are actually looking forward to her coming here, but it will be a big change, and we all have to adapt to the new arrangements. My mom, and dad, both were fantastic parents, they saw to it that we never wanted for anything, and our home was as good as it gets, almost too good to be true, to me. I can certainly take care of her, and help out with things that she needs.

Bill

ltxi

I/we've been through this and it can be difficult. My mother and wife's mom really crashed over the same couple/three year period. Hers in Tampa and mine in PA...we live in Colorado and were both working. Both our dads were already long gone and both of our moms needed personal support. A whole lot of air travel, time off work, and stress for both of us. They died within four months of each other...Sep '08/Jan '09. One thing we realized about halfway through this...we needed to make time for/tend to our own needs as well.

Don't feel bad/selfish for essential taking care of your ownself would be my opinion/advice.

katzenfinch

Caregivers need to take care of themselves. Riding will make you feel better, plus give you some thinking time to get things sorted out. Don’t feel the least bit guilty about it.

Slowhead

My Dad is 86 and Mother passed less than four years ago. He never really recovered from that. Like others posted here, Dad is dead set against moving out of his home. So, my Sister and I visit often and try to keep things going. We also have a neighbor coming by to do a little cleaning there every week.
While our family gets along well, it has taken it's toll on everyone.

At first, I relieved stress by riding. Free time became an issue, so I started running, quite a bit. I still get out and ride, but not as much.

moth54

First: I have spent many hours while staring at the handlebars, trying to imagine how we will cope in our own turn.

I understand very, very well the desire to stay in one's own home. That is what I would hope to do. However, the history of both grandparent and parent suggests one of us, at least, won't get to ride into the sunset. I am already working out a tentative age for when we will have to sell up and move to an apartment, at the very least.

The problem is not that help isn't available, it is that the help a person in failing health requires becomes like the electricity needed by a refrigerator. A refrigerator only runs part of the time, but as we all know, it has to be plugged into a continuous and reliable 24/7 source of electricity. The power plant does not run part time, it has to be available 24/7. And it has to be able to cope with unexpected loads.

Consider suggesting to your parent that they sleep in an apartment but spend their days at home. This will help accustom them to a space other than their home, whilst not costing as much as assisted living. It will also help get them started on the process of downsizing.

However: So long as they are deemed legally competent by an expert, and they insist on doing things their way even to the point where they live in a house full of fleas, you must accept their choices. You are not neglecting them, you are observing the law as it applies in such cases. Be ready for people who have no idea about the situation to raise their eyebrows. Ignore them.

However, it is well worth seeking out the help of available social services for consultation and advice. Such as, how to protect your parent from exploitation by phone fraud artists, etc.

i wish you the best of luck, I've been through this.

moth54

Again, I suggest consulting a social worker or a lawyer specializing in the concerns of the elderly for advice. Your situation is complicated by the fact that your parent could very easily hurt or even kill someone else whilst driving.

I'm so sorry tarwheel, I know this is hard.

2manybikes

I went through that. If he's falling you can't really leave him alone. I know he wants to stay home. Everyone does. You may have to make the tough decision about an Assisted living place or a nursing home. I know it's hard, but you may have to go against his wishes to keep him safe. I was extremely lucky.There was a good nursing home, that my grandparents went to only 15 minutes from my house. And, incredibly my childhood next door neighbor, that was still living next to my parents worked at the nursing home. It helped us all to have a friend in place already.

David Bierbaum

At 84, my mother has troubles with her knee giving way, as well as occasional bad leg cramps, so I can't be gone for an extended period of time, unless I'm sure she's ready to sit in the chair for a while. Till the sun starts rising early again, my main riding chance is Saturday afternoon, while she's having her hair done.

scott967

I'm not sure it is too practical to try to manage from a distance. My Father-in-law lived with us for several years. He had Parkinson's so that added to the normal deterioration of age. When he got to the point of not being able to walk on his own both my wife and I were retired so we could take care of him 24/7. Eventually we got a hospital bed we set up in our family room, so he could always see us and we could monitor his status.

I don't know about the UK, but in the US I recommend keeping all the social workers, heath aides, various government "helpers" far away.

scott s.
.

BobbyG

I don't think this would be putting your own pleasure first if you prioritize Dad's needs first. I bike commute. Quite a few years ago I went through an extremely stressful year including an illness and death which cut down on my riding. Then a few years after that I went through a similar situation with illness and death, BUT I COULD NOT RIDE FOR A YEAR due to my own physical injury. My health and mental health suffered. Take it from me, RIDING is better. It is good for your mental health and it is good for your physical health which is also good for your mental health.

And now I am dealing with family illness again, but am able to ride, although not as often because I have to drive some days to be able to get places too far to bike in a timely manner. Not only that, but family plans and personal plans will change at a moment's notice and at any time.

However, in that year when I couldn't ride, I joined an improv comedy troupe which has made all the difference in my mental health at home and at work. Improv is like team story-telling and you must be able to adapt to sudden unexpected story and scene changes with a positive contribution of your own. Your mind will get used to it and it will spill over into the rest of your life. So if a client changes direction in the middle of a project, it is easier to let go and roll with it in a positive manner. If a loved one's illness means you have to cancel your night out while it's in progress; no big deal, just move on to the "next scene" with positivity and an urge to contribute.

The last thing I want to mention is that my wife and I are dealing with an elderly parent's mental and physical decline, AND with a daughter who has developed a painful and debilitating disability. Neither is good, but my daughter's condition is absolutely heartbreaking. The last thing anybody needs is an out-of-shape, depressed, uncooperative family member. And riding can help prevent the first two of those.

badger1

Your proposed work-around doesn't seem selfish at all. As someone else said here, you've got to look after yourself as well or you'll not be doing Dad much good.

The situation certainly resonates. I looked after my grandmother (for about 18 months) when I was in my thirties, through increasing dementia and eventually pancreatic cancer, until her death.
My sister has now taken in our mother (there's just the two of us, both in our 60s), who is 85 and who, though physically fine, is rapidly succumbing to dementia. We live 3000 miles apart, but I get out to spell her off when I can.
It is hard, but there it is.

fietsbob

I was In Oregon when each of My Parents Passed away , in 1999 & 2000, in California.

over a half day with air connection and bus rides on both ends

his older brother and my uncle's children are still in Cal.

my cousin the Lawyer is managing my dad's estate , taking over from her father ..

bakes1

Sounds like you are going to feel guilty either way but I can tell you from an obvious outsider perspective that what you are proposing seems completely logical and compassionate.

nobodyhere

At 76 and 78, we are a bit on the other side of the equation. Who will take care of us? One child with profound physical and developmental disabilities (48yo) another permanently and totally paralyzed from the shoulders down (50>51). Fortunately for all, he and his wife are internationally known attorneys, but that doesn't really help with our day-to-day care.

We are not "rich" - having spent most of our $$ over the years providing services for our sons, until the attorney got established, and sort of forever with the son with the profound physical and developmental disabilities.

So, what does one do? We are not getting any healthier.

We do carry a modest amount of long-term care insurance, but it is prohibitively expensive.

Cougrrcj

Going through this with my mother right now... 83yo, and has blacked-out/fallen several times in this past year, the last time breaking her right hand. We are also noticing some of the onset symptoms of dementia. That on top of macular degeneration. The problem is that Mom insists that she is fine and can still live on her own and (scariest of all) still drive a car!

Last month we took her to a psychologist/memory specialist, and tomorrow is the family sit-down consultation with her GP where she's going to get the results. Not going to be fun when her doctor pulls her driver's license!

Mom has two households in AZ where none of us kids live. She has a winter home in Phoenix area and summer 'park model' in the mountains of AZ at 6500' elevation where it is much cooler than Phoenix. The closest is my single kid sister in Newport Beach CA. My older sister (also single) lives in the DC area and just retired, but she can't handle anything above 75° and is more of a physical wreck than my mother! I can't go out there to stay with her either, since I'm still working (part time) and my wife couldn't keep up with things around here if I was to leave for an extended time.

I'm lobbying to bring her back to the Cleveland area where there are two of her children that can look out for her. I've been researching assisted living places here, so I have some possible solutions to propose. Memory care facilities in LA or DC are just too expensive for my mother's budget. Phoenix is being ruled out because of the distance/time factor from us kids in order to perform unannounced 'spot checks' of the quality of her care.

This is NOT going to be a fun year!

COG63

+1. Family, especially parents come first, but you need to take time for your own well being also.

Gerryattrick

Thanks to all for your advice. I knew that my situation would be familiar to many on this forum.

My Dad is a very forthright, some would say cantankerous, man, who has made it clear that he wants to stay in his home as long as he can and that he would never live with me in another town, when he has lived in the same place all his life and still has a brother and sister living around the corner, good neighbours, and a large extended family nearby. He has also said he would never move in with my sister, in his home town, as they are too alike and would end up strangling each other within days. So the likely longer term outcome will be either supported accommodation or a care home where he can be safe and we can continue to visit.

I am very aware of the need to maintain my own mental and physical well-being by having some “me” time that includes cycling as, in recent years, both my son and wife have gone through lengthy hospital stays and successful treatment for cancer when at times I felt really low. Just getting out on the bike helped clear the mind and recharge the batteries.

Wildwood 

Caring for the caregiver is the biggest issue in family based long term care.