cs1

After being in politics for years that pretty much sums up the typical liberal. They can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. I give you credit for sticking to your values.

Ahh to be young and in love. You'll grow old and cynical I'm afraid to say. Better to find a nice piece of {fil in the blank} with similar values to your own. She aint gonna change and she's telling you as much.

mackerel

old + cynicism = wisdom

Novakane 

I'm with the old + cynical crowd - although, I'm not saying "leave her" outright.

I would however look at the relationship and your respective values very seriously. If she wants outwardly flashy things, like a Bently, and is not willing to compromise on that, and you are dead set against such things - you've got a problem.

If you're willing to compromise and say basically, alright, you want a Bently and can afford it yourself - have fun. Or, she's willing to say, hey, I'm not that hung up on the Bently, I can see what you're trying to do with the car-free ideal... Maybe you can work things out.

There's no rule saying you have to always agree on everything with your partner in life. There's also no rule that you have to provide them Bently's just because they want them. If she's dead set on an expensive car, rather a utilitarian one... Well, given that you're a cyclist and trying to live car-free, you're not just out of sync on transportation values, you're out of sync in life values as well.

I live car free, but my girlfriend has her license and does drive her mom's car sometimes. I'm perfectly ok with that. I even don't mind the odd time-saving ride in the car. Car-free takes a level of sacrificing convenience that not everyone is ready to make all the time, and given the proliferation of car culture in North America, one has to assume the average person they meet is dependent on a car because they weren't ever raised or taught any different.

Most of us (I assume, since we sought out a forum for it...) where not thrust-upon in a car-free situation, it's a conscious choice.

From your side of things, you need to make sure your girlfriend realizes that you'd rather put some extra effort into getting around while improving your health and minimizing environmental impact (or whatever values drove you to riding as your primary locomotion) rather than just doing it because you're unable to finance a car.

Sad to say, I'm leaning towards the camp that says "run!" because she doesn't just want a car. She wants a status car. This seems to indicate that she's putting the bling over the purpose of the machine in the first place, and you on your bicycle (no matter how fit and muscular it's gonna make you... ) is not gonna satiate that desire.

Maybe you should hit the cycle paths in some spandex and see who you can meet that way.

kylejack

Let me just reiterate that the cheapest Bentley is $150,000! She's certainly not going to let you mount a bike rack on a car that costs more than many homes. Thankfully she'll probably never ever buy a Bentley.

Novakane 

Yeah, there's that too. It's easy to say that she'll probably never get her Bently, but it'd be a vast mistake to tell her that! Nobody likes having their dreams (realistic or not) shot down, especially by their significant other.

In the long run, this seems like the relationship has passed the honeymoon phase, and the participants are starting to examine if this is something they want to continue. It's a tough choice, for sure, because deciding to end a relationship is ending a certain level of emotional security.

I think it comes down to this: Is having a Bently her goal of being with you? Does she expect you to contribute towards something you don't believe in? Is this a make-or-break issue for either of you?

If she's alright with getting a Bently by her own merit, well, power to her, and hey - you get to get a ride in a very coveted car (maybe it really is a sweet ride... who knows?). She's got a goal and if you really want to be with her, you'll support her, as you can, towards her goals. If that means compromising your personal values in a way you're not comfortable with, sad to say, the relationship probably won't work out.

If you can honestly say to her (and yourself) that - yeah, she wants a Bently, alright - but, I've these particular reasons against having one. If those reasons means that you feel you can't be with someone owning a Bently and spending all that money one - seriously, she's probably not "the one". If it just means that you wouldn't drive around in one, but you're ok with her doing so... Then maybe you can work something out.

cs1

LOL, well I guess I never looked at it that way. You must be over 50 too.

pwhallon

I want what your smokin man.

Why is it that us "stinking liberals" are always called in to clean up the messes the Republicans make. You know, little issues like, freedom of speech, privacy, environment, education, opportunity, BUDGET..etc.

Oh yea, I am 49.5.

pw

Sirrus Rider

Let's please back away from the politics before the Moderators become involved. Thank you for your Co-operation!

Chris L

Tell her she can have a Bentley if she wants one, but she'll have to pay for it herself. That will probably mean the end of the relationship, but so be it. You may well be better off without her. On the other hand, she might just be testing to see whether you'll really stick to your guns on this issue, meaning that she may actually respect you more for it. You just need to make your decision now and stick to it.

People who are really hung up on material things like this have a tendency to never be satisfied, even when they get the very thing they covet. When someone assumes some possession is going to make them happy or make their life complete (things that can only come from within), they idealise the gaining of that possession to such an extent that the reality of having it can only result in disappointment. Inevitably this leads to the pursuit of the next material possession in the chain, because now that has to be "the one". I think this is why so many people who win lotteries end up broke again within two years.

If this is the prospect you're facing with this girl, you need to find out and deal with it now. It's better a small hurt now than a wasted life.

KirkeIsWaiting

My ex husband bought a Hummer after our divorce.
I think I bought new Deep V's for the Peugeot.
go figure ...

making

I know about ex's. The OP needs to make her one fast.

rotharpunc

otherwise, please let this thread die already

Commuter76

Not just yet. Sorry.

If I read correctly, she is willing to work toward her goal and doesn't expect you to buy her stuff. Did I also read correctly that she is supportive of your living a car-free lifestyle? If this is correct, then it may be that she was upset with your essentially saying that her goal is stupid. Nobody likes to have someone say that about their goals (even if most people would agree).

Now, one last thing. If she is into the "conspicuous consumption" sort of lifestyle and you are not, you two will have problems later on. I have been married for 11 years now and my wife was a big consumer when we married. I didn't really have any ideals when we married because I was young and my ideals were malleable. However, in the past 11 years my ideals have changed and I have become environmentally conscious and fiscally prudent. My wife has also become more fiscally prudent, but mostly because I dragged her along. This transition was not pleasant and I'm still not always sure we're going to stay married forever. If your lifestyles are in conflict, I would suggest you don't take your relationship any further. Even if she doesn't ask you to change your lifestyle, the conflict in the way you both live WILL become an issue.

raevyn

Speaking as a girl who actually used to want the shiney stuff, I started dating a guy who wanted to love car and home free. I thought he was insane, but I supported his dreams, as I loved him quite a bit. In doing so, those dreams started making sense to me, and now, I am living the car free lifestyle. unfortunately, the relationship didnt work out, however he is one of my best freinds now, and an environmental role model to myself.

If she really cares for you, just give her some time to understand your ideal, and why you believe in them. maybe after time, she will grow on those ideals. who knows?

jcwitte

So I thought a little update would be in order...

My girlfriend and I were married a little over a year after the initial post. I still have my 1974 Schwinn Le Tour fixie though it hangs in the garage pretty much untouched. The last time I road it was on the way home from the wine shop we opened together when the handle bars snapped and I tumbled to the road and began a three month bout of horrible back pain. That was about 5 years ago.

She has yet to purchase her Bentley and I suspect she never will considering we have at least two college educations to pay for within the next 16-18 years.

Anyway, turns out we were and are beyond compatible and this post from 7 years ago makes us both laugh at least once every year and a half.

Siu Blue Wind

Ahh well it's good to hear the happiness of years past. A toast to you and your lovely wife!

zonatandem

Hope she wants the convertible . . .
License plates for the year will be as much as buying a new Priius!

Ekdog

Have you given up on cycling? How do you get around?

Roody

How sweet! And for now, the two tax deductions outweigh the tuition expenses.

jcwitte

I have not given up on cycling.... but unfortunately we do use the car frequently. We are in the suburbs and I am now a stay at home dad. When we lived in the city, we never used the car even with the little one. Now I am a stay at home dad with two kids and we have a vehicle and use it regularly. My hat is off to parents who can do it with more than one kid.

The city (Chicago) definitely enabled or possibly even required a car free lifestyle for us. The suburbs, not so much. Or at least the house we live in with it's walk score of 2, yes 2, is not nearly as bicycle friendly as our old stomping grounds. It does have its benefits, though not where the bicycle is concerned. I do believe we will move in five to 10 years or so and though we won't likey be back to the city, I will make sure we are going somewhere that allows/encourages utility cycling a little more.

Mobile 155

No need to apologize because practicality typically trumps idealolgy when you become a parent.

Roody

I'm pretty sure there are suburbs in Chicagoland that would make for good carfree living with any number of kids. Good luck finding one when you're ready.