zoltani

The bolded text sounds horrible to me.

One thing:
I can understand that living simply can be considered a certain value set, but i do not understand how desiring nice cars, black tie dinners, and a big house full of nice things can define someone's values. You should get an idea of what her true values are, not her desires.

mattm

sounds like a tough situation. my situation is similar, but not so extreme. i'm car free, she's not. i love CM, she doesn't. i ride lots, she rides a little.

yet, we have enough in common that these aren't deal-breakers. and when it comes to values & aspirations, we both want to keep it on the same, relatively simple, level (e.g. no bentleys or mansions).

but as you point out your issues are indeed major things; unless you can change her outlook on life (and what it means to be successful), it sounds like things will be tricky to say the least (considering that changing someone's life-outlook at an ~adult age is nearly impossible).

but anyway, best of luck!

Torrilin

My godfather owned a Rolls. My adopted uncles have a Porsche, a vintage Mustang, a different vintage of Mustang, a macho Volvo and a classic lugged steel bike (yeah, I have a lot of adopted uncles *g*). A really great classic car, treated well... it's a sight to behold, and it's a ton of fun to ride in one or drive one. By all accounts the classic bike is pretty damn nice too . (I'm home visiting my parents, so I've gotten to ride my dad's too small vintage Fuji steel tourer... my adopted uncle's bike would be much too large for me.)

A really incredible car isn't all that unobtainable, or expensive because the vintage ones should not be driven much, and should be treated like the precious delicate babies that they are... and they don't go all that well with black tie dinners. When the top is down they ruin your hair . The classic bike will handle a lot more abuse.

So her values may be out of line with yours, or she may find she loves them for the engineering... or that she hates what a real classic does to her hair.

gwd

I was going to say run too, but think maybe if you care about her offer to help her find a rich frat boy. I've known several girls like that. I'm still in touch with the one that I just let go and encouraged to find a rich one. We'd go out together looking for each other. It was fun. She decided finally DC didn't have what she was after and got a job (and husband) on Wall Street. She's living that high life now, and I went car free. She tried to give me her luxury car when she moved to Manhattan but I didn't want it. She was car free last time I saw her. She might have a car at her second home but not in New York.

Artkansas 

I agree, that that is the most likely outcome, though its always possible that she might have her eyes opened by some event and see the value of your thinking.

The real danger as I see it (a divorcee) is that she will spend you into the poor house trying to attain the bling.

You have a big education project in front of you, but of course, you must accept her as she is. And you must accept her as she becomes, which scarily, no one can predict.

The only thing that I can recommend is to find an exotic car auction near you and get her a job as a driver. For a couple of days every few months, she can leap from Rolls to Lincoln to Mustang. I've done it and loved it. This is a cheap outlet for fine car fever. She will learn, that even though the Rolls is a very nice car with light steering and a jewel of a transmission, it's just a car.

The easiest and cheapest way into the black tie circuit is through charitable work or the Chamber of Commerce.

cod.peace

You know, you can fit an LS1 under the hood of a Se7en...

mike

Don't fight it dude, work it!

Put a quarter in a jar every time you have sex and say it is for the Bentley. By the time she gets the Bentley, you won't even care anymore. In fact, but that time, you will probably both have new soul-mates and be fondly thankful for it.

...and you will have learned a valuable lesson - about asking your new girlfiends what their dreams are and starting a new piggy bank for them!

Dahon.Steve

I agree with the poster who said let the girl dream. We all have dreams but most never happen so why destroy hers? In 10 years, she'll be in her 40's and by then, most of those dreams will go up in smoke as she gains 15 lbs, gray hair and wrinkles. Life takes a different turn once you hit 40 and the things that matter the most will not be the toys.

The most important thing the two of you should focus on is real estate, whether it's a condo or small home. Eventually she'll come around. Trust me.

bragi

Really incompatible values, like what you describe, are a huge deal breaker, and I suspect you already know this, or you wouldn't have started this thread. My best guess, based on almost no information whatsoever, is that others are right and that she'll soon leave you for a guy who owns lots of expensive stuff, or you'll finally get so grossed out that you run away yourself and start looking for 30-something hippy chicks who dig bikes.

You've only been seeing each other for four months; that's not very long. If you like each other's company for now, go ahead, keep going, have some fun and see what happens. But keep one eye on the exit, and assume she's doing the same.

Newspaperguy

The talk about values is important. It doesn't seem all that romantic but I'd rather know about potential conflicts before I commit to a relationship. If you're not on the same page with core values and with money, you're going to have big trouble later.

But your values are not the same as your personal tastes. Find out why the Bentley is important to her. What does it represent in her mind. And let her know why you prefer your bike, what it means to you. While you're at it, it may be a good idea to talk about the lifestyle you each want. Describe what you'd like to see as a typical day or week in five or 10 years and then figure out why that lifestyle is important.

Maybe you are approaching the same basic values from two entirely opposite places. Or maybe you have values which are not compatible. It's best to discover this now, before the relationship goes any farther.

Platy

Women think men will change, and men think women won't. They're both wrong.

You might as well explore each other's way of looking at things a little more deeply. Surprises doubtless await. So mark your calendar now for the...

2009 Chicago Auto Show Black Tie Opening Event

Tickets a mere $225, and just in time for Valentine's Day, too! Be sure to check out the Bentley Motors exhibit.

Doug5150

If it's raining that day and you're driving any of them, you're gonna have a real wet car.
~

gascostalot

You aint made out of sugar, you aint gonna melt!

(though you can get a soft top for the Seven and the Cobra (I think), though why would you do such a thing?)

mconlonx

Don't forget that the Bently will probably require garage storage... either a rental space, or a house with a garage as part of the trappings that go along with something like that.

My wife and I are on the same page with autos. Sort of a necessary evil. (...not so much necessary as just plain evil...) We'd be happy with a used Honda Civic, or anything else that ran well and didn't require too much maintenance. We've been steadily paring down our lifestyle and currently have a 95 Saturn that is limping along, between the two of us. We both very much got into bike commuting this Spring and Summer, and a car-free existence is actually something we could consider, which would fit in with the way we're headed. We're not very material people, not into bling, don't have a lot of extravagances in our life, don't try to keep up with the Jonses

That said, I still lust after a Rolls Royce. Specifically a used one, from the 70s. And even more specifically, one with Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh/OSHO provenance. Shouldn't be too hard to find--he had something like 70 of them at one point, and as someone else pointed out, shouldn't actually be too expensive now. Why do I lust after such a car? Dunno. Just appeals to me for some strange, probably warped reason. Don't think I'd even keep it too long, maybe a summer or so.

If the Bently was the only thing she was hot for, but you were otherwise lifestyle compatible, it would be one thing. But if she wants the typical lifestyle that goes along with it... not so much. Agreed, run.

ThreeD

Sounds young to me.

GeneticFlea

Im pretty lucky in that the Girl im dating is an interior designer and really pumped and enthusiastic about the technical side of green living, especially designing a green house. While we differ in that she wants nicer stuff ( she has a special weakness for shoes and shopping) and I'd rather live very simply and not buy much stuff, our core values of spending time together over making money (trading money for time) and living within our means are right on target.

I've got to agree with above posters. talk with the girl and try to figure out what her core values are and what the car and luxury goods are motivated by. More importantly, what she wants to get out of life? Some people see life as material attainment, and that is how they measure success and happiness. IF she just likes comfort and shiny objects, while still seeing eye to eye with you on the core beliefs, it could work.

Ive got a friend who sounds alot like your girl. He loves to pine after big ticket items, loves to dream about bling, and expensive yahts and luxurious impulse parties on the beaches of Ibiza. But when it comes down to the wire, he real values and the way he lives are what really matters, and in these hes got his head in the right place. Dreams and Values can be very separate things.

AdamD

There are 2 ways to be rich:

1. Have a *****l0ad of money.
2. Be happy with less.

zoltani

"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich."

Tao Te Ching

KrisPistofferson

I think the values are incompatible because the girl thinks the car is good in and of itself, but the OP thinks it's inherently bad. Both are wrong. It's just an inanimate object. "What it represents" can be a matter of debate, but on this forum it is usually BAD.

When I was a teenager I used to dream about getting a surplus Humvee for four-wheeling. I never did, but let's say I bought one to take four-wheeling every two weeks or whatever and commuted by bicycle every day to work. My emissions would be less than someone who drives a Prius every day. When the two vehicles pass you on the road, which one are people going to get more bent out of shape over? Simplistic ideologies can be poison.

If the girl gets a Bentley that she likes to look at in the driveway, and rides bikes around most of the time, what's the problem? My point is that what the car represents is a meaningless abstraction, how much it gets driven would be the real issue. If she is completely dense in regards to the ecology of the matter, dump the *****.

jcwitte

Actually, I do not think the car is inherently bad. I'm not talking about the emissions factor at all. The "value" that I disagree with is how she wants to use material possessions (the Bentley) to show off her social status. It's a question of humility and modesty versus arrogance and an overinflated ego.

Roody

I think you're right. If the girl loves the Bently as a beautiful object, there shouldn't be much problem--or no mre problem than if she loved Rembrandt and the OP loved Andy Warhol. If she loves the big car because it represents her life values, big problem.

(Someday all the Bentleys will be in museums or private collections, which is a good place for them.)

uke

This sounds like the plot of a Fitzgerald story. I'd advise you to dump her before she dumps you for someone she judges more capable of helping her attain her goals.

jcwitte

I should also clarify, that my girlfriend is someone who is going to work hard for these things that she wants. She is not looking for anyone to just give them to her. I admire that about her. She has told me that she doesn't expect anything of me except for me to work hard at attaining my goals. So long as I do, she'd be happy regardless of success or failure.

I really think the whole thing that got me to write the original post is what I said a couple of posts up about humility versus arrogance. I think those differences can be overcome. Perhaps the two of us would be able to balalnce eachother out a bit.

Roody

I don't know. Humility vs. arrogance sounds like a pretty big difference. Does she have more ambitions than you do? Would you be humble enough to live in her shadow to some extent?

(BTW I do know couples who have been together for dozens of years, who have very different values and lifestyles. I imagine the first few years are the hardest.)

rhm

+1. But there's also a question of quality versus bling. Some people value what's new, or shiny, or expensive, with little regard for whether it's well made or useful. I don't get that. On the other hand, if the bentley is really such a high quality item, and that's what she appreciates, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

My question would be, is she able to discern the desirability of things without knowing their cost? If she equates desirability with cost, well, that would be a problem.