3alarmer

.
...he tells me that, when you're a star, they let you do anything.

roundypndr 

Sitting on his couch watching the Miss America Contest, in his van down by the river, he ponders in the fact that his best years are long behind him, he yells, "I could have been a contender!"

3alarmer

.
...once snuck into the Miss America contest dressing room disguised as a mop bucket.

no motor?

Remember when he could vote in person before the school got the restraining order on him for voting without pants.

skijor

His lies are the new toilet paper.

ahsposo 

Brewed up a batch of his famous Cheese Beer for Saturday football.

3alarmer

.
...likes the feel of new toilet paper, but would not turn up his nose at the low mileage used stuff.

no motor?

Was recycling toilet paper before they started making toilet paper from recycled paper.

ahsposo 

Is the recent subject of a AI driven "deepfake" smear campaign; literally thousands of images and videos were released across the interwebz of him wearing pants - dress slacks, corduroys, jeans, Bermuda shorts. There are a couple of truly hilarious vids - one with him wearing a pair of cargo pants where all the extra pouches seem to put him into a catatonic trance - and another of him wearing "jorts" and apparently "twerking" (hard to tell if that was twerking or just his "normal" spastic possum trot).

3alarmer

.
...his summer vacation home is located in Possum Trot, Alabama. He likes to get away from it all when he goes on vacation, and you can't get farther away than Possum Trot.

no motor?

Is old enough to remember Ahsposo when he wore pants. And that's old enough for the senior discount.

skijor

His lies serve as a good sourdough starter.

3alarmer

.
...he prefers original recipe lies, but if someone orders up a bucket of extra crispy lies, he won't turn one down.

ahsposo 

I've seen him bend over and pick up, off a nasty bus station floor, a stinky old half-truth and enjoy it like it was a fine fabrication...

3alarmer

.
...he has little sympathy for someone with a two pack a day lying habit, suffering from the early symptoms of withdrawal.

ahsposo 

A founding member of the Black Lies Matter movement...

3alarmer

.
....he never lied to his mother with that mouth.

no motor?

After being barred from the local Waffle House for all the commotions he's caused in the dining room and while dumpster diving he's taken to calling in his orders of the Ahsposo Special (possum and grits) even after repeatedly being told that's not on the menu.

ahsposo 

Is the Exalted Grand Lizard of the Kute Kuddly Kats, a White Lies Secret Society.

3alarmer

.
...as I type this, he is sitting at his computer practicing his karaoke version of "Saturday Morning" for the Tuesday night performances at Kitty's Karaoke Kitchen, down near the waterfront, (within walking distance of his van home.)

no motor?

Thought the bartender asked if wanted lies instead of olives with his martini and answered "of course, the bigger the better".

roundypndr 

At his new eatery, The Sham and Hooey, he's always asking his customers, "Do you want lies with that?"

no motor?

Heard about the songs Ahsposo was going to sing at karaoke tonight and brought a fire extinguisher in case the special effects for his disco inferno set the place on fire.

3alarmer

.
...his feet are so fast and nimble he has burned out two Dance Dance Revolution machines at his local arcade. There's a picture of him on the wall next to the register, prohibiting further use.

ahsposo 

He bought a trampoline; the check bounced...