Amani576

I came to a realization today, and something I didn't really want to admit.
I think I figured out why I'm not riding anymore, despite how much I actually WANT to.
As a few may know, but I doubt it's many, June 1st 2009 one of my best friends killed himself. He was the only person I could regularly go riding with. And losing him had a compounded effect. It put me into a mild depression, caused me to stop riding except to commute, and I lost my riding partner. Now, I'm not trying to blame it on a dead friend, hardly, but I do believe the loss was a cause.
I also think I may have burnt myself out.
I finished building my Panasonic early February last year and proceeded to ride the crap out of it. Nearly 4 months of riding every day for up to 30 miles by yourself, then suddenly having a partner can make riding solo dull. So a combination of burning myself out, along with losing the partner drove the nail pretty deep.
And I also got a bike with fenders at nearly the same time. And that's something most people (myself included) like a whole heck of a lot once they have them. So, I ended up riding it to work in all sorts of weather, and ended up just loving having not to worry about having a streak up my back.
Sure, the latter may be a bit more shallow reason, but I think combined it created the whole effect.
And that all got me thinking.
Do I even need the bike any more? I haven't ridden but one time since April 16th, and only 16 miles that one time. And despite how much I truly want to ride, I can't convince myself to do so. In my brain it's pointless to just go out by myself, even though I know I'll enjoy it. Somehow I developed a wall that's stopping me. I need to break it down, yes.
But I've also come under hard times, I lost my job in April, and just this past Monday started a new one. 3 months is a long time to be unemployed without much money in reserve, and I got upside down with my bank. I've sold numerous bike related things I wasn't using anymore, including that fendered bike. I've got projects lined up (including a tandem), but no other ride-able bikes. I don't know how much I could get for the bike, but it won't be priced for a quick sale, it means too much for that.
I just don't know... I want to ride, but I just wonder if I have too much baggage with that bike to ever ride it like I want to again. I know this isn't a question you all can answer for me, but I'd like some input, some advice. This isn't a decision I'll make lightly.
Sorry for the length.
-Gene-

mazdaspeed

Sell the tandem and your panasonic, buy a nice touring bike and get fenders

norskagent

ride.
tomorrow is going to be nice here in mid nc, just ride.
you will feel better when you get back.

Charles Wahl

If you're going to take a break (believe me, yus'l be back sometime), don't sell off everything nice; keep a bike or two that you like and can improve. Sorry to hear about your friend. Our best friend was killed in an airline crash 16 years ago, and I know what the depression thing is like. You're probably not suffering “mild depression,” but something worse than that, especially with the job loss factored in. I hope you like your new job, and that things look up.

John E

Bike to work. It's good for your health, good for your finances, good for the planet, and a great antidote to depression.

prathmann

Have you checked out the ride schedules of any local touring clubs? Riding on some of their group rides might get you over the 'boring solo ride' feeling and may even lead to meeting some new potential riding partners. And if the new job is a reasonable distance for bike commuting that would also be a good way to become motivated again. Shouldn't be too hard to add some kind of fender to whatever bike you still have - at least good enough to avoid a black stripe up your back.

Andrew F

Gene,

Go on an epic ride, an all day ride. Plan a little, ride alot, to towns and places you've never been to before. While on the ride pay attention to what's going on inside you and around you. Cry if you want, get mad, look around and really see what is passing by around you, pray if your so inclined. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Fr. Andrew

mcgreivey

Ride. Exercise will help you feel better. If you sell anything, keep your favorite. And keep riding it, if only 16 miles once or twice a week.

Fr. Andrew's suggestion is good, also.

gerv 

And if you have no work to go to, bike to the grocery store, the library, etc. Riding bike keeps me so focussed, I don't have time to think.... I hope you soon get over this depression and start feeling strong again.

RobbieTunes

Gene,

Well, we'll have to get you over here. Tomorrow would be a good day for you; taking 6 novices on a 40-miler, with pre-positioned hydration, and everyone is going to change their front tire at the 20m turnaround, just to know how to do it. A guy like you would be absolutely great to have along. We're actually getting over your way, to Spring Hope.

So here's the deal: Next training ride, I'll come get you. Your bike, or one of mine, since we ride the same size. You ride an Ironman, you have the out-of-body experience....

My unwilting enthusiasm and your quiet determination, we'll have you assaulting asphalt again, and losing me on the long downhills.

You built that Pan'ic from the frame up, including the wheels, and you know every cm of that thing. You were what, 19? Amazing stuff.

Take heart, be of good cheer, and hold on, we're coming for you. Help me get these folks ready for their MS150, and we'll just see how it goes from there.

No dilemma. Your services are needed, your expertise is appreciated, and it's finally not so darn hot.

David Newton

Gene, I feel for you. It isn't about bikes or riding, those are just things. You will never stop missing your friend, the hurt will go away over time, but it may rush back from time to time. You will have to learn to live with it. Ride way out somewhere, and cry for your friend, it will help, then get on with your life.

CrankyFranky

Sounds as if you're in more than one tight spots...financial, plus you have this tragic and unfortunate circumstance linking the loss of your friend and completion of your dream bike... plus burnout, plus the stress of being out of work plus the stress of starting a new job. Anyone with such concerns would be bent out of shape. That's a lot of stuff to keep a lid on - and I think it is brave of you to come to the forum like this. Perhaps it is time to put yourself into a more social setting, just to try to feel a litle less isolated. As far as the Panasonic and any other special project go - if I were you , I would not take any action now that you couldn't reverse - unless it becomes financially necessary.
It may take some time for the funk to lift, and for you to gain ways to begin to enjoy the stuff you once did... but give it time.
frank

cudak888 

Did that fendered bike have upright bars? If not, get something with North Road handlebars. Cheap.

A good old 3-speed Raleigh will do you good. $50 off Craigslist if you're lucky, so its about the cheapest thing possible if you must spend money on another bike.

Mind you, riding North Roads after a tedious long time on the drops has a renewing, calming effect. I'm serious.

Case in point: I've been rather depressed ever since I was hit in 2008. I must have put less than 100 miles in during 2009 - and if it was more than that, it was from doing circles around the neighborhood, ironing out nagging drivetrains. Whatever the reason, I wound up dusting off my '51 Raleigh Sports "C" Tourist earlier this year and I took it for a spin.

It was as if I had been dunked in a spring-fed river - after two years of having not showered.

-Kurt

auchencrow

Depression is normal. It's expected upon the loss of a close friend, a spouse, a pet, even a job. We call it mourning.
- but don't let it go on for too long, or it becomes mere self-indulgence.

Sell the old bike -if it really helps, but immediately buy another, and start riding again.
Cheer up, and work on your time and distance.
Your friend is gone, but you can be sure he would not have wanted his demons to weigh you down.

txvintage

With the new job will come the chance, or necessity, to build a new routine. Make yourself a Plan Of The Day for each day of the week where you give yourself one thing to accomplish. Even if it's just laundry, it will do. Also build in a couple of short fun rides during the week.

It's all about find "normal" again. It's there somewhere.

Joining up with one of Robbie's training rides sounds like a great way to spend a morning.

Amani576

mazdaspeed: I can't really sell the Tandem, I'm only a partial owner in it, even though it's only a project. Besides, I need another person to ride it, and that solves one problem.
norskagent: I'd love to go riding tomorrow, or this weekend, sadly I work tomorrow, and Sunday I'm helping my girlfriend move back into school. I imagine, though, that the heat is one hump that's been holding me back. 100 degree humid days are just miserable.
Charles Wahl: Maybe my depression was worse than I realized after his death. Though I had almost a year after it before I lost my job. Maybe not entirely getting over it, then losing my job compounded to make it way worse than I realized. When I knew I got this job I immediately perked up, but it's still there to a degree. Until I'm in the black with my bank, I'm gonna be stressed.
John E: Oh how I'd love to ride to work. But a 24 mile commute one way just isn't practical, especially when I have to be dressed business casual immediately after wards. Commuting certainly made getting on the bike a lot easier.
prathmann: If I knew of any groups around here, I would. I see a few people riding around on plastic wonder bikes, but they all look really serious. I know I'd be challenged riding with them, and that would help, but I know of no way to communicate with them.
Andrew F: That sounds like fun, maybe I'll do something like that. Maybe bring a camera or something. I just wish I had a way to carry stuff. My bike lacks a decent way to carry anything other than me and some water bottles. Unless I felt like wearing a backpack all day. I want a bike I can have a large saddle bag, or a medium saddle bag and a large handlebar bag, along with fenders. I just don't know if it would help to have something like that.
mcgreivey: If I had anything else to sell, I would. That's my problem. This is my ONE ride-able bike, and my favorite, but with my reservations possibly centered on this bike, I wonder if it's worth it. I practically need the money I could get for it, but I just don't ever want to regret losing it. It's quite an uncommon, perhaps even rare, bike.
gerv: I'd like to, it's just odd to ride places on a bike I can't carry anything on. And also, few places around here have bike racks.
RobbieTunes: Thanks, Robbie. I'd love to join one of your rides. As I said to norskagent earlier, I wouldn't be able to make it tomorrow, but give me about two weeks notice and I could make it. I'm basically always gonna be working on Saturdays from now on, so it makes group rides harder. But I have the ability to make quite a bit more at this job than I did at my previous, so in the end, it might be worth it. We do need to together more often, though.
David Newton: I try. It's not easy. It was like losing a brother. I do my best to remember the good times and not be angry at him. We all knew he wasn't the most sound person, but it was a surprise then. And in retrospect, the signs were obvious he was severely depressed. I just wish I'd seen it then. I can't forget him, and I won't. I guess I need to change how I view it all. Maybe feel like riding is one way I can remember him.
CrankyFranky: That's what I'm worried about. At the moment, it is financially necessary. I don't want to owe any more money right now than I already do. But if I were to sell it, I'd likely regret it for the rest of my life, and I doubt it's worth that. It's just been really hard lately, and it's caused me to think of things I don't use a lot in terms of need around, or want around, or don't want/need. It's not easy to decide where this stands.
cudak888: No, it was a Surly LHT with drops and Campy brifters. I've got my Czechoslovakian Rapido out in the shed needing work. It's fendered, has a chain guard and 26x1 3/8" wheels. I've taken it out a little bit, and it seems like fun. Just needs a whole lot of work. I was contemplating whether it was really needed or not, but it's not worth selling, so maybe I will finish it and see if what you say is true. I'd love to ride an upright bike, it's been a long time.
auchencrow: Agreed. He had enough demons... I don't need to hold onto them. As I've said, I know what I want in another bike, especially it's replacement, I just don't know if I can let this one go.
txvintage: And agreed, also. The routine is difficult though, I'm mainly going to be working mid-shifts, earliest being 9-6, latest 12-9, so finding time to ride is going to be hard without waking up early... Though I have considered it.

I really appreciate all of your concern. You're all outstandingly great people, and this just exemplifies why I've been on this site for so long even if I'm not always the most knowledgeable person. You all seem like genuinely good people, and that's getting hard to find. Even though I don't know many of you, and may not have talked to you all much, I consider you all friends in some form or fashion. This is a bright spot on the black void that is the internet.
Thank you all, again, for your help and concern. It's helped a lot. Still not sure what exactly I'm going to do, though.
-Gene-

cudak888 

Gene, that Rapido is your ticket to happiness again. Put it up on the stand and put some elbow grease into it. Working on it might take your mind off things to start with, so give it a shot. Take it for a spin. Enjoy a ride.

-Kurt

pastorbobnlnh 

I can't add anything to this conversation, such great advice, except my prayers, and to keep talking to us. Don't isolate yourself. Put yourself with good people.

BigPolishJimmy

Hang in there Gene, tough times hit us all at one point or another, it's all part of the experience. Before you sell your bike, think about if it will truely make a difference. Will it put you in the black or just buy a week of no calls from the bill collector. If it really isn't going to make the difference, you should try to contact your creditors, let them know the finiancial situation, set up payments if necessary and work toward a resolution. The economy has hit a lot of people hard recently, you are not alone in that.

Check your local clubs, ours has multiple skill groups. Also, there is another club, not official, not really orginized that rides on Thursday nights. They ride cruisers around town, not the road riders of the 'official' club, but just an unorganized group of people out for a fun ride. Ask around on facebook, or start your own. Finally, go join up with RobbieTunes and help those new riders, they need it.

Jim

Don't forget to post pics of those bikes you're fixing up.

RobE30

Gene, I know what you're going through to a degree. I lost a very close friend in May and spent the next month and a half moping around. Eventually I got back up and started to resumed life. People will tell you "It will be fine", eventually it will be fine, it just takes time and adjustments to life to return to a state of normalcy. Just keep your head up and eventually the rest of you will follow. As far as a bike goes, if you were closer I'd gladly send my Raleigh Sports your way for an indefinite period of time, just to get you out on something different. I wish you the best and remember that your friend would want to see you out participating in things that you and he both enjoyed. He's still riding with you, you just can't see him.

ftwelder

pastorbobnlnh 

^

Amani576

Perhaps Rick Smith was also trying to tell me something with todays Yehuda Moon...

You all are great. It's helping a lot. I'd love to meet as many of you as I can some day.
-Gene-

cudak888 

^
I missed that. That has to be one of the best Yehuda Moon cartoons I've seen in a long time.

-Kurt

Amani576

I've decided to keep the bike, despite my financial straits. I definitely need the money I could get from it, but it's not worth the loss. I can deal in the mean time.
And I'll also continue the restore on that Rapido, once money gets straight.
I appreciate the help, and concern all. You're all such wonderful people.
-Gene-