DT Tandem

My wife and I are empty nesters as well. What took 2 years to talk her into was a tandem. Once she tried it she loved it and it is how we spend time together.

It may not be for everyone but is definitely worth a try.

Good luck to both of you.

OBoile

100 miles a week (and especially 150-250 a month) doesn't seem like an unreasonable amount, particularly for an empty nester. I do ~100 miles a week with two young kids and it isn't an issue. My guess is that she has other underlying issues. Having said that, you may just have to accept that she's being unreasonable and accommodate her anyway.

In the meantime, can you cut down on the type you spend on other cycling related things (like this forum)? I'd cut that before cutting my riding time.

AlmostTrick

Your wife is telling you she has some serious complaints. Your job is to hear her and validate her feelings. And then work on meeting her needs as best you can. It's not that she doesn't want you to cycle, it's that she wants and needs things from you that she is not getting. Give them to her!

You will likely need to cut back on cycling for a bit, but if you take proper care of her you might find she will be happy to see you spending time with your hobby.

If I was in your situation, the last thing I would do right now is negotiate for cycle time. Or try to justify my present cycle time in any way. I'd just quietly cut back and work on satisfying her needs and desires. Soon, I'd expect to find myself pedaling happily with her blessings.

I'm 58, and my wife and I have been married 36 years. Together 40!

Wife and family first, everything else will follow.

mstateglfr 

It's a lot of communication to coordinate my hobby of cycling, my volunteering(which is part of my hobby), my children's activities(soccer, volleyball, and equestrian), and my wife's hobby(equestrian).

It's a lot of communication and a lot of balancing. It works because we both want it to work for ourselves and the other spouse.



It's never fun to hear a couple's setup isnt working for one or both people. Hopefully some time spent discussing the issue(s) helps out.


The time you list out as cycling time just isnt a lot. Its especially reasonable when you compare it to golf 2x/week, fishing, etc.

Perhaps finding out what she views as reasonable time spent cycling as well as what she wants you to do in the newly formed free time will help you better understand her side.

Good luck.

mstateglfr 

I see this same general line of advice given put when these type of threads pop up every few months.

I cpuldnt disagree more with your claim thats wife doesn't need a hobby. I wpuld guess that every married woman in this forum would disagree since, you know, they all have cycling as a hobby and presumably like it.

I can't imagine how tragicly the convrrsation would go if I told my wife she doesn't need a hobby, she just needs me.
It would start with her laughing so hard she was in tears, and would end with her continuing her hobby because, you know, she likes it.

As for a wife coming first and everything else coming second, that seems quite inconsistent. Why isn't it expected for the wife to view the husband as coming first and everything else coming second?

In the end, mutual respect and interest in cooperation is required. Thst means both people need to want to work to give and take.
I cherish my wife because she is capable and independent.

It isnt up to me to make her happy, it's up to me to support her as she figures out what makes her happy.


I'm guessing this just sent me back on the iggy.

FiftySix

Relax. It was one thought from my own reality.

I spend time with my wife, but she loves the dogs and how they give her something to "baby" since the kids are young adults and we don't have grandkids, yet.

Ever see how many older couples have dogs (or cats) and share photos of them on the internet like they are family members?

Pets fill a void for many empty nesters.

Joe Bikerider

You are missing the whole problem. It’s right in front of your face. You are spending too much time working. Retire (quit your job) and you will have plenty of time to ride and be with your wife. Why are you working anyway? After that many years and the kids are gone what’s the point? For example if you take an 8 hour work day and divide into 4 hours of riding and 4 hours of husbanding everyone will be happy. Don’t worry about the money, the bike(s) you got will last a long time with just regular maintenance.

AlmostTrick

It's not one or the other. In a successful marriage it's both!

Then again, maybe the OP just needs a new bike?

mstateglfr 

Agreed. And I said as much in the subsequent two sentences from what you quoted.

In the end, mutual respect and interest in cooperation is required. Thst means both people need to want to work to give and take.

hillyman

I would find a Marriage Counselor that rides a bike.

Bassmanbob

There are obviously other issues going on. I didn't ride or do other cycling related activity much at all December- February, and things didn't get better. I've also encouraged my wife to find a hobby or exercise. She used to run, but now she has chronic pain (for which she is being evaluated). Her other previous hobbies included scrapbooking, the kids and photography.

Now she watches TV and naps-- it's maddening. And yes, I'd encouragingly discussed this. I think the biggest issue is her chronic depression from her mother passing four years ago and the kids moving out about the same time. Part of what I'm hoping that will come from our couple's therapy is that she will address her depression as well. She goes for her first independent visit this coming week.

Bassmanbob

I have attempted to get her interested in cycling. She doesn't do well on two wheels, as she has a fear of falling. I brought her on a newly formed family oriented group gravel ride once, and she shut down after the first half mile. She has a fear of riding near others. I immediately calmly and supportively stopped my ride, and we returned to our car to drive home. Since then, we have done a handful of local riding with just the two of us, but she usually declines my invitations to ride casually. I rarely ask anymore.

Bassmanbob

I'm also a part-time musician, hence my name. This became an issue for my wife too. I left the last band I was in because we were gigging 3-5 times a month and rehearsing once a week. That's 8-10 nights out of the house a month. That was too much for even me. Then I was asked back into the band a few years later when they promised me one gig a month. Well if you know musicians, they can't say no to a gig. We were soon gigging 2-3 gigs a month. After explaining to the band I agreed to once a month, I gave them 10 weeks notice to replace me. Now they call me to fill in as needed-- once or twice a year.

On the other hand... I must admit that when I get interested in a hobby, I jump in intensely. For her, I just substituted the band with cycling. So admittedly, I have a history of obsessively diving into an interest. Finding balance has always been an issue for me, hence my request to see how others have balanced their lives.

Bassmanbob

I agree that the wife comes first, and I'm attempting to make changes. But I'd like to have my wife come first without loosing my own identity.

Bassmanbob

I appreciate all the contributions, but it's time to get ready for the day-- to spend with my wife. I will reply to the rest later today or tomorrow. Thanks, all.

Hondo Gravel

Bassmanbob. I was thinking you were a bass fisherman with a bass boat I was going to say take her bass fishing with you.

DHPflaumer

THIS. So. Much. This.

My wife and I got married pretty young and moved around a lot, which led to a lot of codependent stuff. We both realized we were giving up a lot of things we loved in an effort to only do things we enjoyed together. Working through that and embracing solo activities has been awesome for us- She does a lot of rock climbing and is re-picking up the guitar, I spend a lot of time doing bike stuff. When we're both home, we're both happier for it.

OldTryGuy

TODAY, June 2nd is our 46th Anniversary. "Mutual respect and interest in cooperation" has served us well. I guess since we are confident with each other as well as within ourselves helps minimize the jealousy and disrespect that can cause issues with any relationship. Each of us have upper limits that must be recognized by the other and adjustments must be made to not exceed them, simple common courtesy.

bruce19

I am very lucky. My GF and I met at work 20 years ago. She mentioned that she wanted to try cycling. I had been off the bike for 8 years but before that had ridden for 20 years. I offered to help her get started. Got her to a bike shop and helped pick a bike. She then said,"So, you're going to ride with me, right?" And, I thought, "What have I gotten myself into?" But, 20lbs overweight and missing those 8 years of fitness, I got my bike out and we rode. She was strong. I sucked. Since then, we have ridden together and between us have 6 bikes. We have lived together for 15 years and continue to ride together. To borrow a line from Lou Gehrig....."Today I consider myself the luckiest man on Earth."

AlmostTrick

Agreed, and that's the goal. Often in an impasse such as this, someone has to give first, take the first substantial steps to help reach that goal. When one gives, their partner is more receptive to doing the same.

Paul Barnard

Next time she's watching TV, turn it off and tell her to pay attention to you. Next time she'd napping, wake her up and tell her you need attention. If you do that religiously, I think you'll see fewer issues with your bicycling time.

FlMTNdude

My issues with my wife mostly are the cost. Married 21 years, I am 54. Been on my beater for 4 years, done some fixing up so it isn’t much of a beater, but the thought of a serious road bike starts heating things up in not the best way. (And I am talking modern vintage as opposed to the 3k new bike). Time isn’t the issue, I was doing long distance, that wasn’t going so well with a flat land move, and hence moving into cycling. Running is pretty cheap, if you shop on shoes there isn’t much expense other than entry fees for races. I may not win this one. Hang in there, you will figure it out.

FiftySix

BassmanBob, so many things I could add about my experience with my ex-wife (passed at age 38) and my wife. I'm 54 and my wife will be 48 this month.

The ex suffered depression her whole life and never overcame it.

My wife suffered depression and health problems after a job layoff in 2016. She got saved again about a year later and it really brought up her spirits and outlook on life. Her health improved dramatically as she learned how to live with less stress. Plus, she has been working again for the last 1.5 years.

I can't say what works for anyone to have a successful marriage. I sure do hope that your wife and you figure out what works for you.

------

BTW, my "get a dog" comment wasn't fully presented earlier as I was typing on my phone which is frustrating and I lose train of thought.

Basically, my wife doesn't like when I go out of town for work. She feels like her security is diminished for several reasons, something as simple as the AC quitting or her car having a flat tire. Or the thought of an intruder.

So, the dogs give her somebody to fuss over and care for. Plus, they are little alarms systems as they will bark if anyone is near our house. The dogs aren't replacements for me, but they allow her to relax a bit more, especially when I'm away. Too bad the dogs can't fix the AC. I'd pay 'em dog treats.

Of course, getting a dog isn't a fix for other issues.

RVH

250 miles a month probably eats at least 25 hours a month with prep, planning, showering, etc. That's a lot of time and strain on a marriage. Somehow you need to make her feel she is more important than the riding. Figure that out. How about "dates", dinners together at the dinner table, not in front of the tv, planned excursions.

Good luck. My first wife had the same issues. It's one of the reasons I am on wife #2 who is much more sympathetic and rides with me occasionally. One of the things we do is to plan our week. That way we know when we'll be together, how to plan things together (like gardening, of which my wife is a master and I am the hired help, but we're together and she sees me being involved in her stuff.)

rumrunn6

We have balance because my wife has other interests. But also because we know when to bend. For example I thought I would ride yesterday after several weeks off due to family obligations but yesterday another popped up. I needed to show my 23 yr old son how to properly clean his bedroom windows including removal vacuuming washing etc the whole deal . Then guess what, I helped get his bike ready for the season and he rode it to his friends house. At least someone got a ride in