viros20

these are all real descriptions from the manufactures found online. I found them pretty funny, except Treks who need to step it up a bit.

Specialized S-Works Tarmac SL3 Frameset


Drop 'em on the climbs, gutter 'em on the flats, distance 'em on descents — embarrass your competition with Specialized's S-Works Tarmac SL3 Frameset. Its superlative FACT 11r-carbon frame and fork have been run through the ringer by the Saxo Bank and Quick-Step ProTour squads, putting riders atop podiums across the world. You'll love its lightning-quick accelerations, feathery lightness and the Specialized S-Works carbon post, too. In fact, the S-Works is so fast you may start getting knocks on your door from the UCI.


Cannondale SuperSix HI-MOD


Ever dream of riding the best climbing bike to the top of Tourmalet? Sprinting for the green jersey with a bike possessed of unmatched efficiency?

It's possible on a SuperSix. When one rolls up to the line, heads turn. It's a harbinger of victory and is pro-Tour proven, constructed entirely of HI-MODulus, unidirectional carbon fiber that's tuned for the most precise, efficient ride available today.


Madone 6.9 SSL WSD

Lighter, faster, better. That was Trek's goal in creating their best-of-the-best Madone 6.9 SSL WSD. Handmade from OCLV2 SSL carbon, the frame is brutally efficient and amazingly light. Connecting the gorgeous frame to the fork is an E2 tapered head tube for scalpel-like steering. Flowing down, the down tube joins with an insanely stout 90mm-wide BB. This gives you the stiffest possible platform to launch attacks. Perhaps the most ingenious piece on this bike is the integrated seatmast that reduces weight and smooths the road underneath you for sublime comfort. A frameset of this level deserves only the best. It's loaded with top-of-the-line Bontrager XXX Lite carbon wheels, a full Dura-Ace gruppo and Race XXX Lite stem and bars that add the finishing touches of class.

mechBgon

In some of Trek's printed propaganda, they call their frame a fuselage, repeatedly. I'm not sure how many of us are qualified for those

alanknm

I can't wait until next year when they add photon torpedos, ion cannons and a free Energizer Bunny with every frame.

The Madone description is hysterical when you list all the adjectives.

Mr. Cranky

You mean like this?

kleinboogie

Nothing beats the guys in the field for humor as they try to explain why they do what they do. Markus is in a league by himself.

alanknm

Never get an engineer to write advertising copy and never get an ad man to design a mechanical device.

mustang1

Specialized need to step it up: I thought they'd be on at least 1002934r carbon by now.

Cannondale lost it when they used the word 'harbinger' in their promotion. Man, that just doesn't sound right.

I didn't read the Trek, too much text. Can't we just go back to 'mission statements' instead?

ADSR

Tone, tradition and innovation. Fender’s new American Deluxe Stratocaster® HSS is for guitarists who want a little more. A compound radius fretboard allows effortless string bending anywhere along the neck, and two N3 Noiseless™ pickups provide improved Stratocaster tones while the DH-1 humbucking bridge pickup has more output for fatter lead tones; all with no hum. Reconfigured S-1™ switching offers other distinctive tonal options. The “passing lane” switch instantly routes your signal from any pickup position to the bridge position with the tone circuit bypassed, giving you more overtones and a little more volume. Other features include staggered locking tuners, LSR roller nut, two-point synchronized American Deluxe tremolo bridge with pop-in arm, and beveled neck heel.

UCIMBZ

That is how they get paid for their sponsorship of cycling teams. They totaly dismissed the fact that it is the rider that pushes the machine to the victories.

alanknm

Amen to that.

Phantoj

??? I don't see anything bad about that guitar ad copy; it's basically a laundry list of the features of the guitar. Not a lot of hype, really.

alanknm

How about this ? https://www.saliko.de/en/saliko/index.html

Mouserue

It's like a monster truck you can pour into your face!

It's got ELECTROLYTES!!! What are electrolytes? I don't know but they're extremly AWESOME. And Brawndo is full of them! And they help plants grow, which is why you should drink BRAWNDO not water because water is from the toliet and I've never seen plants grow out of a toilet....

It's got caffeine. SUPER EXTRA CAFFEINE! And five kinds of sugar, which makes it DELICIOUS, and much better than other energy drinks that are NOT DELICIOUS.

Drinking it will make you wonder why you haven't crushed a human skull, with your BARE HANDS. But you won't have to because you'll already know what Brawndo TASTES, how that would FEEL, which is like having sex with a tractor-trailer in a parking lot!

GRRRRRRRRR!

I just split my pants like the incredible hulk, see that Brawndo will make you need new pants, and while you're out buying new pants you should buy new shoes, because you're going to wear out your shoes from KICKING EVERYONES ASS ALL THE TIME! Brawndo will make you want to KICK EVERYONES ASS ALL THE TIME, which might be good or bad, either way you're going to win, because Brawndo will make you WIN in things you're not supposed to win at! Like YELLING, Brawndo will make you WIN AT YELLING or maybe instead of YELLING something else, like JUMPING, or WAVING, because you'll be able to wave your hands REALLY FAST, and you'll probably become INVISIBLE which doesn't even make any sense.

But if that doesn't happen you'll probably just end up RUNNING SOMEWHERE, which is good if you like RUNNING, but even if you don't run it'll make you WIN AT EXERCISE.

Triguy

I think Guru's Photon video is the most pretentious piece of poo I've ever seen when it comes to advertising, like 6 guys sitting around a table tooting their own horns about a frame which has been greatly heavier than claimed weight:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMOBMCwTJtM

pgjackson

Fuzzy logic and creative marketing. Simply a way to justify making the 2011 bikes more expensive than the 2010 bikes. You see the same nonsensical hype in golf clubs, tennis/racquetball rackets, car tires, athletic shoes, baseball bats and gloves...

Crimsonghost

it's got what cows crave.

dwellman

Yeah. Ad copy is mostly meaningless.

"The Intel® Core™ i7 processor delivers best-in-class performance for the most demanding applications. This quad-core processor features 8-way multitasking capability and additional L3 cache. With adaptive performance and built-in visual capabilities this 2nd generation processor brings more intelligence to your PC"

or

"Runners know and love the Vomero for its plush, responsive cushioning. Like its predecessor, the Zoom Vomero+ 5 features heel and forefoot Nike Zoom units, along with a full-length, soft midsole for responsive cushioning and durability."

Yeah.

pallen

haha, this thread makes me love my steel bike even more

dwellman

Yehuda?

Reynolds 

"Laterally stiff and vertically compliant"

dwellman

Well, it sounds dirty when said like that.

ADSR

I mostly picked it for the jargon. There are some seriously embarrassing product descriptions for musical instruments out there.

ADSR

Found one. They are running out of things to say about the same effects.

Introducing Tremonti Phaser, a classic phase shifter for our time
Warped. Swirling. Twisted. Spacey. It isn’t easy finding words to describe the sound of a classic phase shifter. But the last 30 years of rock music wouldn’t be the same without it, and each age of rock and roll has had its own master of shape-shifting sound.

Signature sound
To create the new T-Rex phase-shifter, we teamed up with one of our time’s masters: Alter Bridge and former Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti. A devoted T-Rex user, Mark was looking for the perfect phaser to add to his onstage arsenal, and we’ve come up with a pedal he’s proud to endorse. Tremonti sets a new standard for gorgeous phased sound.

Perfect control
Tremonti Phaser delivers everything you expect in a phaser and then some. The Stage switch lets you choose between a raw, vintage-sounding effect and a richer, more modern swirl. And the ingenious Bite knob adds a sexy overdrive edge to any setting. Fast or slow, deep or shallow, vintage or modern, Tremonti Phaser delivers extraordinary-sounding phased modulation that will take your playing to another world.

And one from Vanilla Cycles' Sacha White:


It's not about the bike. Ok, at first it is, it really is, but eventually it's about a partnership. You, with your desire to look up and confidently love the long and challenging road in front of you, and your bike, a well designed machine providing efficient and easy access to what you need where you need it - From low rider rack braze-ons, fender mounts, and pump pegs, to thoughtful little details like spoke holders.

Vanilla touring bikes are stable and dependable and practically intuit the journey ahead. Whether you're winding your way up a mountain pass or happily spinning across a desert, your Vanilla is an indispensable, reliable and trustworthy companion.

Mr. Cranky

I found that video quite interesting and informative. There's no single "best" way to do things.

dwellman

Oh there most certainly is.