norton

Let's not forget that my58vw is a catergory 5 racer.....Too much editorial perfection may lose some of the naive charm....(Not that there's anything wrong with that!....someday he might be in the TdF, as savvy as Lance.....or a writer, like the late, great Saul Bellow....)


Perhaps his writing can keep pace with his.....I'm sure....rapid advance through the categories....


He's obviously getting a lot of helpful advice & coaching through the forum.....the 2 Rs.....ridin' & 'ritin'....

DXchulo

yah becuz all dem dare cat 5 racerz r two dum too punktuate n spel wonce we win sum racez are brainz r jus gonna grow all nice n big

norton

Touche'.....

Sawtooth

I think you have a gift for imagery. Having never participated in a race before, your article made me feel the excitement and want to begin racing even more. I loved reading it.

I do have some editorial comments that I have tried to ensure were not previously mentioned.
1. Your tense changes many times throughout the article from past to present. I personally like the present as it takes the reader right there in the moment but it is usually best to pick one and stick with it.
2. I think you meant to say "the suffering BEGINS" in the first sentence of paragraph 3.
3. In paragraph 5 you use the phrase "the look on others faces tells the story" for the second time. This sounds redundant without something to reference the first use. Even something as simple as "AGAIN, THE LOOK ON THE FACES OF OTHERS TELLS THE STORY" would make it less redundant. Also, "others" as you have used it needs to have an apostrophe showing possession.
4. In paragraph 6, you could make the first sentence flow better by saying "Racing is a process; FROM every race you learn something new". Remember that the semicolon can be used as a supercomma (separating two distinct sections of the sentence, each with multiple commas) or as a divider between two sentences that say roughly the same thing.
5. In paragraph 6 your sentence regarding friendships is difficult to read. I suggest the following use of punctuation: "You meet many new people, some new, some old; friendships FORMED in a common interest, bound by suffering and pain." I loved your imagery here, by the way.
6. The next sentence is incomplete and might better read: "SUCH friends support you when you are down, get dropped or have a bad race."
7. The next sentence is a little hard to follow in the part about people you talk to but have never "MEET". I am not sure what you are trying to say here.
8. You final paragraph is a run-on sentence and, as such, does not close as strongly as it could. I think you could make it stronger by separating the ideas. I might suggest "In the end, bicycle racing is hard, but the sense of accomplishment is unbeatable. Whether you win or finish last, there is nothing like bicycle racing."

That's all. Overall, a great draft! I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

my58vw

Thanks, I am in the next revision of the articel so I will send it your way when it is ready...

jazzy_cyclist

I agree with most of the others here -- excellent descriptive content, but needs some grammatical corrections.

Serpico

don't you go to school

why not take this to the university writing center

also, make sure you print it out and edit it that way, you've already seen it onscreen, paper gives a different perspective

maybe ask the forum for bike tips, and ask university writing center for writing tips. specialization is a good thing.

comments from a bike forum will be 1) all over the place 2) people not being critical enough because they ride bikes and they're your friends, and you wrote something about bikes, so.... it's gotta be good.

U N I V E R S I T Y W R I T I N G C E N T E R

(might as well, you're paying for it)

theopowers

On the other hand, the forum seems to have several professional writers and editors, while the university writing center may be staffed with English Lit grad students who want you to imitate Hemingway.

And audience research is critical to good magazine writing. What better place than here?

Not that visiting the writing center is a bad idea, but I'm sure our up-and-coming bike writer will be able to separate the wheat from the chaff in this string.

Serpico

and any advice (when you know need criticism) that says "great, I like it" a dozen+ times is bad advice

anyways theo, sorry to be simon cowell to your paula abdul

you get a ton of nice guy points though, use them wisely

drroebuck

I would lose the entire first paragraph and start with "There is nothing like your first race..."

Hipcycler

Hire Zig as your agent vw...