Novakane 

I've been riding bikes since I was a child and have been traveling/commuting by bike for all of my adult life, so I never expected to ever get spooked away from riding.
Sadly, that's exactly what happened. I thought I might share my experience here as I work on getting over it and riding again.

A few summers back I was riding along the MUP with my wife and I was distracted for a moment, although I don't exactly recall by what since it all happened quite fast.
When I looked ahead again a pedestrian had stepped directly into my path and I had only a moment to deal with the situation.
I was able to swerve away and avoid a full-on collision, but I did end up clipping his arm and bailing fairly hard onto the asphalt.
He was OK because of the maneuver I made, I was the only one with any real injuries from the incident and they weren't terribly bad.
It would have been much worse for him and possibly myself as well had I not done a (relatively) controlled wipeout away from him.

This isn't the first time I've ever had an accident on a bike but it was the first time I'd ever hit someone, and even though he was alright, he might not have been which shook me up a lot.
It had also been many years since I'd taken a hard bounce on asphalt, so now being in my mid-thirties one thing became fairly clear - healing takes longer than it did in my twenties.
The whole thing seems like a fairly minor incident, I've certainly had worse happen in about 30 years of riding - this particular accident wasn't even bad enough to warrant a hospital trip, just a lot of road rash and deep bruising. For some reason though it really psyched me out.

This all happened near the end of the good-weather-for-riding season, so I didn't really ride much more than a handful of times the rest of that year.
Every time I did ride, that crash was always in the back of my mind and I was a much more timid cyclist.
I took it much slower, and going down hills had me riding the brakes instead of fully enjoying the free speed boost.
I found that I was more likely to walk to the grocery store or take a bus to places I normally would have ridden to.

Ironically, while walking to the store one day I was jogging through an intersection before the light changed and broke a small bone in my foot when I reached the curb on the opposite side.
I didn't realize it was actually broken (who breaks a bone crossing the street, right?) and continued normal activity for the most part thinking it was just a strain or sprain.
Naturally it got worse, and I eventually ended up in a cast for a few months while it healed and it took a year for the pain to really stop being a daily thing.

So I didn't really ride much that season either, except for the start of it and then not at all for the better part of the following summer while my foot recovered, it was painful to pedal.
Last Summer, one might expect an avid cyclist like myself to get back at it since I was fully healed, but I found myself very intimidated by riding for the first time in my life.
One of my bikes needed some simple adjustments and the other had been sitting for two summers waiting for me to finish rebuilding part of it.
I found I didn't want to work on my bikes, I didn't want to ride them and I was avoiding the whole situation as best I could.
I was making excuses to not ride, completely opposite of my normal behaviour.
Friends and family know me as "the bike guy" and they bring their rides over for me to fix and tune up all the time, which made the whole situation awkward for me because here I was trying to not even think of cycling all of a sudden.

My wife has missed me cycling as much as I used to with her and found herself riding less without me to go along with her.
So, here I am at the start of another riding season, I have a very sedentary job and haven't been getting the exercise that I normal would have from cycling.
My back hurts often and I've gained 10 lbs from the inactivity. I do walk a lot every day, but apparently that's not cutting it and my doctor has told me I should ride a bike to help with the back issues.

So I've fixed up my 10 speed Sekine again and bought a snazzy looking Nutcase helmet.
Previously I'd not been using a helmet but I thought it would help get my confidence back if I didn't have to worry as much about what might happen to my head should I have another accident.
For decades I have always relied on my reflexes to protect my head, but now the thought of crashing and cracking my skull is incredibly vivid and scary.
I can't help but think that it was more luck than skill which had kept me safe in the past, and I'm not as full of bravado that my luck won't run out one day.

It's been slow going, but I'm hoping if I can get myself back up and riding again at least a few times a week while my body re-adjusts to being active again I can regain my confidence.
It seems weird to think that something I've done nearly daily for most of my life could become a source of anxiety and even some shame - it's hard to have been "the bike guy" for so long and then suddenly rarely touch one.

I'm not sure if anyone here noticed my absence over the past few years, but this is why I suddenly had not been around the forum after being fairly active previously.
If you got this far, thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Hopefully I can keep my resolve to ride more this year and get back to being "the bike guy" that I used to be.

Fastfingaz

Tell what bikeguy,I can't really say I know what you mean because I haven't gone through anything similar,but I hope you putting your experience down in writing will help you work this out, through reading your story it doesn't sound that traumatic,and I would say maybe you're taking it too serious, but you're the one living it as I said hope this getting it all out will help you overcome your paranoia of the bike,, good luck,,,

milkbaby

One day at a time... I feel your experience is not that far removed from what many people experience when they have a bike crash. I've gone down a couple times in wet corners so now I'm probably too cautious in those types of conditions.

People often change their ways when the fear and pain of staying the same eventually becomes greater than the fear and pain of changing. Good luck to you!

FrenchFit 

Perfect timing for me to read this post. I went down last week, left hooked and I bailed right, lost some skin and pride. I was thinking the last few week, it's been years since I have fallen from a bike, and sure enough - time was up. I got back on and road to my destination, where I got some bandages, had lunch and rode back home. Been out a few times since, no biggie, but I was feeling a little brittle/fragile. So I dropped by a spin class and rode that Schwinn like a maniac, felt much better afterwards.

Fear is an interesting thing. None of us is getting out of this thing alive you know. Seems to me the quality of your life before you go is something to be worried about. Letting fear be a deciding factor in how you live -- not so good imho.

Assuming you are not reckless, you risk a good deal more by fearfully staying off the bike than by riding aggressively. Ride on partner...

Novakane 

Certainly I can agree that the initial incident wasn't a spectacular crash, nor was it close to the worst I've experienced in my life. I never really had any issues getting back "up on the horse" as the saying goes, in the past.
I can't say what it was exactly about it that spooked me so much, but the subsequent broken foot and time off the bicycle prevented me from really getting back at it full force and it certainly seems to have put some fear into me.

I think perhaps having to come to terms with the simple fact of life that a bad fall is likely to take me longer to heal than it might have 10 years ago started to sink in and I get caught up in thinking about what might have happened more so than what actually happened.

At the same time, I realize that avoiding an activity I enjoy because of fear of what might happen as opposed to what is likely to happen is no way to live either.
If it takes a bit of safety gear that I previously felt was unnecessary and riding a few km/h slower at first to get out of that rut, so be it, I guess.

Hopefully encouragement from the kind folks here will help me put this strange state of mind behind me as well.

Novakane 

I am not a reckless cyclist, IMHO. I was perhaps more so when I was a teen, but a few close calls in traffic set me straight long ago.

I say IMHO because one might consider not being 100% aware of one's surroundings at all times while riding on a MUP as reckless. I can't exactly recall what it was that distracted me - there was something noisey going on, on an island in the river we were riding near, so I may have been looking at that for a moment, but I seem to have a vague memory that there was an odd sound from the back of my bike so I may have looked down/back at it briefly. In the chaos that immediately followed I can't seem to recall exactly why I wasn't looking directly ahead just before it all happened. I do know that the fellow I clipped was not where he was a moment before I nearly creamed him, the path had been clear in front of me.

It might be the sheer randomness of the accident - things were going fine and then suddenly I was in a collision situation the next moment. Of course, that's life, right? Nearly anything unexpected could happen at any moment and change everything, so there isn't much use trying to avoid it all of the time.
I know that and you know that. Seems harder to convince my nagging over-active imagination of it by just rational thinking alone.

I've done one longer ride and a few shorter rides running errands so far this week since the weather has been nice. My hope is that if I can keep this up, the worries will go away and I'll be back to my old self bicycle-wise.

knobster

I can relate. Last May I went down on my beloved dual sport motorcycle way out in the woods. Like yours, it wasn't a bad wreck, but the bike landed on my leg and shattered my tibia at the plateau. Two surgeries, two titanium plates and 17 screws later and I'm just getting to where I can walk quite well. My riding buddies thought I'd be back on the bike in a couple months after the accident, but all I could think about was going through this all over again. No thank you... As soon as I was able to get out to the garage, I sold the bike.

I very well may have the same feelings if I had a bad wreck on my bicycle as well.

BobbyG

I haven't had an incident like that, but I have had some close calls that left me shaken, but not to the point of not riding. HOWEVER, I did have an incident 17 years ago where I was blown off an icy highway in my rear-wheel drive Mustang, and even though I went out and bought new, better winter tires, for the next year, I got panicky and feared highway driving in the snow or rain. Eventually I got over it, and a couple of years after that I bought an AWD Subaru. My wife then bought an AWD car, and I just replaced the Subaru with another AWD car, my first non-manual transmission car in 31 years. If I want to shift gears, I have three bicycles. Anyway, you CAN do it Novakane. I didn't see if you used a mirror or not. I know the incident took place in front of you, but I have found a helmet or glasses mounted mirror, plus a bell for pedestrians, and an AIr-Zound air horn for cars works great for my confidence (as well as lights for dusk, dawn and night, although some use them in daytime, too.) The bike incident that left me most shaken was at a stop sign at a 2-way stop residential intersection. I waited for a couple of cars to pass; one from the left and one from the right. The car on the right passed, the car on the left passed and I began to cross when another car from the right came flying through at at least 40 mph! I don't know how I missed him as I had just scanned one or two seconds earlier. He may have pulled away from the curb, or been blocked from my view by the vehicle I did see. And with two other vehicles there was much engine noise going on.

FBinNY 

There's no accounting for the psychological effects of a crash. They can be very disproportionate to the circumstances, possibly because of a "what might have happened" awareness, or they may be based on what were in fact serious consequences. IME- they self resolve if you ride but it can take time for you to reach the pre-accident level of comfort and confidence, or at least close enough.

Decades ago I came onto a steel deck bridge on a rainy day. The road had a rise to the bridge deck so I couldn't see it until I was on it at well over 20mph. Sure enough I crashed. Overall it wasn't bad, the decks highest rails were parallel to the road, so instead of getting grated, I slid along with no injury. When I walked back to my bike it was lying between the front wheels of a tractor trailer, who'd driver managed not to touch it.

All was OK, but after folks helped me to the side of the road, I had a delayed black out from the emotional shock. For years I had a deep fear of riding on steel decks. I'd do it but at about 5mph, and only after coming to a full stop before starting again. It took about 5 years for me to reach a state of proportional distrust of steel decks, especially when wet, and now almost 50 years later, that bridge and the crash are the most vivid memory I have of that 3 week trip.

FrenchFit 

That's the ticket. And if you do fall, get a little road rash - really, so what? That's why we humans are self-healing creatures. On the other hand, if you find certain behaviors needlessly risky, eliminate them. I stopped riding centuries because I got bored and stopped paying attention, the odds were getting a little too high that I was going to plow into someone's parked car. That's hasn't left me a negative feeling about riding, I am not fearful, I've just acclimated to my personal reality. Ride your ride, have fun....

quicktrigger

First, the fear. Sounds like you have gotten slapped in the face with the suddenly inescapable truth, that you REALLY ARE GOING TO GET OLDER AND ......

That is not making light of you feelings at all. When something finally happens that forces one to see that they really are mortal, it messes with the head case. We are programed, probable by genetics, to believe we are more or less indestructible in any normal activity during our teens and twenties. But after that, certain body functions (i.e. healing) slows, and our programing seems to change to more cautious as well. Then eventually "SLAP!", some life event happens, and it comes crashing down on us psychologically. This seems to me to be where you are now.

Everyone has to cope with it in their own way. I suggest short daily rides, with your wife, since you previously enjoyed riding with her. The spending of time with her will help kick in other psychology that will help counter balance the fear. After all, riding with her previously was a bonding experience for both of you. Be sure to tell her what you are doing, and why you "need" her to be there with you. This helps bring in more bonding, and more positive psychology that is associated with her. Then get on the bikes and ride. Increase your distances by say 10-20% each week, and I would bet you get over it in short order. I once read it takes three weeks to establish a new automatic behavior (habit), and three weeks to stop one. Assuming that is correct, then you will probable be more or less your old self by the end of a month.

Lastly, we are not talking about logic, so that is not the best course with dealing with a fear. It is much more effective to use emotions to deal with emotions. This is simply the way people are put together.

BTW, I grew up wrecking and riding etc, so not allot bothers me. However, my female counter-part got a real headjob done on her by her dad and his fear of his own shadow. She has been riding with me, and the fears constantly resurface. I remind her of previous fears she has already gotten past, and how she would tell me "I can't", only to find out "she can" after all, but don't press her. Just plant the seed and let it grow, then normally a couple of rides later, she gets pasted that as well. Whenever she reaches a new goal, be it distance, or a significant fear, I make sure that we do something fun, or a treat (ice cream cone is a fav), so that helps bring in those basal reward systems, to make further fears less effect. And yes, it has been working well. And yes, I have made sure that she knows exactly what I am doing, and why.

Keep it up, keep working, and you will have the reward of knowing that you won over a fear, and that many many people are never able to get past these types of fears, but YOU DID!

QT

Retro Grouch 

I can definitely identify with your post.

For me the issue started around 4 years ago. I was riding with my grandson and had a fall that resulted in breaking both of my elbows. Recovery involved 9 weeks off work, 2 weeks with a personal health care attendant, and 8 months totally off bikes. The worst part BY FAR, however, was mental. Mrs. Grouch and I bought a $7,000 recumbent tandem so I wouldn't have to put any pressure on my elbows. On several occasions we drove out to a trail, got the bike set up to ride, and I was still unable due to anxiety. I continued to fight it. I visited with a psychologist for a few months and made some progress but the anxiety remained. The continuing anxiety left me tense while riding. That increases potential for falls. I've had several including 2 significant concussions, and a broken femur (another 9 weeks off work).

Today I can ride my SWB recumbent with increasing confidence, but we traded the Screamer recumbent tandem for a pair of linked tricycles. I HATE them. We are glacially slow and I feel like everybody is watching and secretly laughing at me. When we ride together I get real grumpy. While riding with Mrs. Grouch last Saturday I told her that I wish that all the passing riders who made friendly, happy comments to us would disappear and die. That's not a healthy state of mind. I can't tell you how envious I am of the people I see riding on crummy old bikes with no helmets like they don't have a care in the world. I hope one day to return to that but, while I'm improving, I'm clearly not there yet. Next month Mrs. Grouch and I are driving 500 miles to Xenia Ohio to ride with some other recumbent people. I hope we're not the slowest ones but that might happen.

I did some serious soul searching about whether I wanted to post this for everybody to see. Normally I'm a bit on the introverted side and prefer to let experiences like this pass unnoticed by others. What goes through my mind, however, is if my experience can somehow benefit somebody else. Thanks for your story. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one.

Fastfingaz

hey retro since your accident(s) you've been riding recumbent,do you think you will ever ride conventual bike again and do you think that riding recumbent is helping or hendering your riding style and confidence,

quicktrigger

RG, thanks for being fearless enough to share that. It's very difficult for most people to just wear it on the outside and let it go with the confidence that you can handle it, whatever "it" happens to be. I had to learn to do this myself, but for reason's that had nothing to do with bikes. I can say with certainty, do this enough times, and the "NO FEAR!" will take down this fear as well. It's all about confidence. You had your bouts, you got your battle scars, your still here, and you haven't given up. You are never beaten in these things, unless you give up! As for everyone else, and what they MIGHT be thinking... F-em! Any that might think that, let them take the ride you have, and see where they end up. Plus they aren't the kind of quality people I choose to be in my life, and I hold them in no regard, so why would I give a crap what they think about what I am riding anymore than the color car they may be driving? Their just another bike riding monkey on the planet of the apes.

QT

Retro Grouch 

I do still ride my diamond frame beater bike but I had to raise the handlebar due to upper back and neck pain. Another issue is range of motion in the bad leg. My 175 mm crankset is right at the limit of what I'm able to tolerate. I'm on the lookout for a low cost, black, triple crankset with 165 mm arms. If I ever find one, that'll mean raising my saddle another 1/2 inch which I don't really want to do.

The recumbent question is a double edge sword. Plusses are comfort, zero pressure on my elbows, and a more natural feel to my neck and upper back. I really like it for those reasons. Negatives are it is a new skill that I had to learn at a time when my anxieties made that more difficult. The process of putting down a foot is a much bigger deal than on a diamond frame bike. Also, looking to the sides at intersections is more difficult because it's harder to twist my torso. The negatives have definitely hindered the recovery of my confidence. Knowing what I know today, however, for my kind of riding I wish that I had taken up recumbents a long time ago.

Fastfingaz

,,,,,,,,,,,,OK the reason asked was because maybe not getting back on your bike was doing more harm than good,,,,, What is your opinion of that SAFE BIKE someone posted???

Novakane 

I think that is definitely a factor and may even be at the root of it. I'm not exactly at an age anyone would really consider "old" but I'm in my late '30s and the signs that mortality has been slowly beginning to creep up on me are becoming more apparent. (The most disturbing signal has been the steady retreat and thinning of the ranks in my hairline, but that's another story. lol)

Oddly enough, the bike that the accident happened on was involved in every other crash I'd had in the previous decade. It may have been coincidence since I was riding it more than my other bikes for a while because they were usually in some state of rebuilding or restoration. I was more of the mindset at the time that it was jinxed.
To be fair though, I've never had a serious crash on my Sekine 10-speed, and it's been under my butt for many tens of thousands of kilometres. The mountain bike I was riding in the accident had only seen at best half the distance but had managed to find a way to fail, flip or otherwise dump me onto pavement every so many years.

TL;DR - Not long after the accident I stripped it for parts and relieved myself of the frame. Good riddance.

I'm glad my story helped you. I too am usually fairly introverted about such things and wasn't totally comfortable displaying quite this level of vulnerability on a public forum. I was hesitant about hitting that submit button after writing it.
I was hoping that it would not only be therapeutic for me to get it out, but would also encourage others to share their stories of getting "the fear" put into them from an incident and talk about how they got over it.
Your willingness to share your experience is also encouraging to me. It didn't really occur to me at the time I wrote the post that it might also help others in a similar situation, but I'm glad it has - even it's just a small amount. Now I have to get riding more not just for me - but to help encourage you as well.

To everyone else that I might not have directly responded to - thank you for your encouragement, stories and insights. The overall positive response I've received here so far has been very touching and is helping me to steel my nerves to commit to this.
To be completely honest, I was afraid this thread would immediately sink to the bottom of the forum and I would discover that I was entirely alone in this headspace I'd gotten into.

Although I did not ride today or yesterday, I will be doing so tomorrow with my wife and hopefully on the weekend as well if the weather is cooperative. I needed to take a day or two off to allow my saddle-region a break. The seat on my main ride is fairly new (or at least barely used since it was put on) and I'm not sure yet which one of us is getting broken in.

quicktrigger

Trust that you will get there, and that you CAN do it, and you will get there, and will do it. Just don't quit.

Bravo to all of you stepping forward.

QT

FBinNY 

One of the very few fringe benefits of being an older rider is failing memory. That makes it easier for those painful crashes to fade into a fog of poor memory.

DjFantom

To the Op I can relate, i got intentionally hit by a car 2 summers ago at the end of the summer ... injured my shoulder, back, and hip... Healed up alot over the winter but still have issues till this day physically, last summer i got back on the bike but rode really slow and found my self stopping anytime a car came even within a foot or 2 of me passing, sometimes id get to a all way stop sign 1st and a crossing car would motion me to go and i wouldnt. even getting off the bike to let the car know i wasnt moving, because they wouldnt move thinking i would proceed , so they would avoid hitting me...... this really came to a head when i found my self riding down the same street i got hit and i stopped at the spot, said a prayer and thanked God to be alive .... it was then i said i would force myself to get over the fear , cause riding scared is just as dangerous as riding reckless ... Now i ride with more confidence , i learned a few things from posts on this forum about correct riding with traffic and used them. Also if you don't have one, Get a Mirror , it has helped tremendously !!!!! when you can see the cars coming without having to look back you can get out the way faster . i used to just ride the shoulder, now i take the lane when its appropriate , having a now faster, lighter agile bike now helps too . also i know when to stop and give cars the "right of way" in certain situations , even when i really have it, just to avoid conflict or make the situation safer .....

Recently on my new bike I was riding with a bag on my handle bar, swerved to avoid a car about to pull out , and the bag got caught in my wheel, bike flipped over , i was ok .... but i just got right back up, wiped my self off and kept going .... falling is inevitable ... just have to ride aware, and do ll you can to minimize injury to you and or others