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on a trip, a dying "relative"...

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on a trip, a dying "relative"...

Old 05-14-19, 09:20 AM
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Juan Foote
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on a trip, a dying "relative"...

Headed up to DC in a few weeks to see some family friends. It's a both good and bad trip. This is my wife's (not blood) sister whose mother is very ill and could be the last time she can be visited. To qualify that, she HAD cancer and had to go through chemo. As a result of it, long story short, she was cured of the cancer but no longer has any will to eat or care for herself. She is basically willfully wasting away rather than fighting to get back ability to get out of bed.
This woman raised my wife from the time she was 16 on through around 18, and she spent a lot of time with her prior to that. Won't get into the backstory on that. The 'sister' and I get along quite well, I like her husband in a friendly way. Not that we are friends per se, but he is a nice enough guy and we can make conversation. The mother and I used to get along but due to some political opinions pertaining to the last election she got extremely nasty with me. I mean to a point that I purchased my wife a ticket to fly home and I left the next morning kind of nasty. Really just not even a way you would talk to a human being that you have known for decades short of say, finding them sleeping with your wife/stealing from you/beating up your kids kind of thing.
In order to keep things civil, I just went home early. The "mom" continued to try and dog on me even after I left with some parting shots to my wife who basically squashed it and told her she wouldn't put up with talk like that. The "mom" and I have not spoken another word to each other since then, nor since she got sick, nor since she gave up on life. To be honest, I am not sure that it wouldn't set her into a rage again even seeing me.

So, we are heading up to visit. The "mom" is in a hospital/hospice situation, not at the home where we will be staying. This last year has been contentious even with the (real) daughter/mother relationship due to this give up attitude. The daughter was forced to put her in the hospice.
I have been asked by my wife and the daughter if I was going to the hospital to see her.

Between you all and me, not even if my nuts were in a vice.
I have considered some ways to relay my feelings without being a total ass about it. I don't want to upset my wife or her friend but just see no real reason to go and see a person who I have a solid distain for and feel there is a mutual reciprocation of that.

Sometimes "adulting" can be so difficult.
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Old 05-14-19, 12:07 PM
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You could also forgive her for her political attacks (because they stem from internal fears and distortions of reality, don't they?). What does your wife want out of this visit?

It may be possible to go to visit the "mom" and express gratitude for how she poured into the life of your wife as a young woman. And leave it at that, with kindness.

I'm not saying that it's easy, but it may begin your healing, too. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 05-14-19, 01:29 PM
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I too have felt indifferent towards those who have insulted or belittled me.

I'm not proud of it, but I'm also not torn by it.
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Old 05-14-19, 04:12 PM
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If she harbors any ill-feelings towards you, it would only be detrimental for her to see you anyways, right? I don't blame you at all. Hopefully your wife and pseudo-sister aren't hurt by it.
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Old 05-14-19, 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by TakingMyTime View Post
I too have felt indifferent towards those who have insulted or belittled me.

I'm not proud of it, but I'm also not torn by it.
I have a tendency to be very blunt with people. A lot of folks don't like that I am that way. I have learned not to care in most situations, in regards that it really isn't my place to be concerned about people having issue with me being myself. Take it or leave it. I have also developed a very short rope for people (like the mom) that want to create situations like this. I just don't need that crap in my life any more. I feel not one iota of regret for not talking to this woman. My only concern is letting the girls down in a bit less than my normal brutally honest blunt way because, in this, it could create a crap sandwich for me to eat the whole week we are there.

Last edited by Juan Foote; 05-14-19 at 06:04 PM.
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Old 05-14-19, 06:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Phil_gretz View Post
express gratitude for how she poured into the life of your wife as a young woman. And leave it at that, with kindness.
I'm not saying that it's easy, but it may begin your healing, too.
It is easy to accept pleasant people and circumstances, but practicing acceptance with regards to people and circumstances that we find difficult or challenging can also be a path to positivity and acceptance and away from the aggressive negativity that some have gotten used to living in. Understanding the pain and suffering of others, AS WELL AS the suffering they cause, can be a good way of deepening ones compassion.
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Old 05-14-19, 06:07 PM
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Just consider your job to be to support your wife and the family you do care about, as they face this difficulty. Nothing wrong with that.

I've written off family and former close friends before after way too many abuses. Sometimes it wasn't the way they treated me, but the way they mistreated other people I care about. I don't feel any obligation to subject myself to verbal or emotional abuse from chronic abusers.

And I don't look for deathbed reconciliations. People like that rarely change, and usually get worse with age and infirmity.

Save your energy for the folks you care about and who care about you.
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Old 05-15-19, 02:38 PM
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In your situation, I would just wait around at the house. If she asks where you are, your wife can just say, "we didn't think you'd want to see him". If she asks to see you, then go.

What if, because of deathbed reflection, she started to feel bad for how she treated you and wanted to apologize. You wouldn't want to deny her that peace.

Maybe not likely, but what if?
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