Cyclistgf

about a year ago, my fiance began cycling. it has become an obsession and has put a damper on our relationship. not only is he spending mass amounts of money on his bike, but he is constantly out riding. it's to the point where we don't have a healthy conversation and everything revolves around a bike. i came to this forum because im aware he visits often and i'm looking for support. he doesn't see this as a big deal and thinks i am overreacting. if things continue to go this way, i have a feeling our relationship won't last much longer.

what do i do? how do i handle this? i try and have conversations and he thinks i overreact and insists he doesnt cycle near as much as other people. if this would be just a hobby, i'd be fine. but it's a lifestyle now. bike this, bike that. how can i make his hobby less intense?

bianchi_rider

have you considered riding with him?

Cyclistgf

i have considered this, but i am not willing to invest money in a bike... and i cannot handle the rides that he goes on with his riding buddies. cycling is just not a hobby i enjoy that strongly. i can handle casual rides, but i'm just not someone that wants to go out cycling for 4-5 hours at a time like he does.

bianchi_rider

hmmmm, well do you go to his organized rides, take pictures etc, maybe starting a scrap book for him, or searching for items he may like would fill that void, it would show him you are interested in his cycling, but in a different way, who knows he may stay home and help you with projects concerning his cycling

Cyclistgf

that would still have our relationship revolve around his cycling. not us.

bianchi_rider

true, have you discussed the fact that he may be losing you due to this?

Cyclistgf

yes, and that's where he brings in the "you're overreacting" bit about how many people cycle way more than he does, and their mates are supportive. he doesn't see it as a big deal. he cycle in the morning, comes home for lunch, cycles more... after dinner, he spends time on the bikeforums and then working on his bike. seldom is there a break for me. he insists it's a new hobby and it will fade, but from the signs of many people on this site.. it's a lifestyle and it WON'T fade.

bianchi_rider

it is definately a life style, tho a person may leave they always come back, cycling is in the blood, its something indescribable, but some people do know what things come first in life. Family and God whichever order you prefer should come first. once that chain is moving then other things should come into play. I am guilty of over spending, I think we all are or will be, cycling is not cheap. But I do not put cycling above my family, if things were different for me, then maybe cycling would be first in my life, but i have other issues that are more important to me

ngateguy

How much time does he spend cycling? Is he willing to do other things with you? I cycle quite a bit commuting and recreational my recreation riding is only about 8 hrs a week unless I am doing an organized ride. 8hrs isn't that much. I have to admit a freind of mine had to sit down a couple of years ago and tell me I talked way to much about riding but she still gave me the freedom to do my rides.

Cyclistgf

he cycles 2-6 hours a day.

i think he needs to broaden his horizons. find hobbies outside of cycling. spend more time with me, talk more with me. i'm almost disgusting at night when we have conversations and it always turns into cycling and what types of bikes he saw during the day and how he plans on getting them in the future.

i have a feeling if i give him the ultimatum "me or the bike" he'll give me the "understand my passion or i'm gone" ultimatum.

roadfix

Dear New Lonesome Member,

I strongly advise you two to seek counseling. Hobbies are hobbies, but once they reach a point of obsession, it can do damage to an otherwise healthy relationship especially if the opposite member is not interested in that hobby (been there), which is perfectly understandable. Your fiance needs to open his eyes and make compromises and tend to your needs. I have seen too many relationships fail for these same reasons. Good luck.

Abby

bianchi_rider

Im sorry to hear that
But if he does love you, I am sure he will understand you and the cycling can be minimized.
I try to ride apx 2 - 3 hours a day and apx 4 or so on weekends.
email me anytime or icq if you care to talk

cyclezealot

Cycling is an obesssion. I don't know what to say.I have that obsession. You like/love the guy as a person.? It is a life style..I plead with my wife to go cycling..I bought her a bike. She always is too busy.
I try to make some compromises.I am always back for events we share together. There is always time for us.I am not a complete addict. Also, have addiction to scuba.That did not go over well with my first wife. I am still into scuba.
Your hobbies become your lifestyle..This being a healthy one. There is no way my wife will get me off the bike.
We make a decent living, if she said I can't spend the money there would be fireworks. Not that I should not try to be reasonable to our financial situtation.
I really suggest you try riding some with him. To your abilities. He loves you he wants you there. I do my wife.
What a person needs they need.You like quiting let's say, He would be a jerk to deny you an expensive sewing machine. You won't try riding with him,then you must each work on your own space and share common times together by being reasonable.
That being said. When one loves one another. I do think it not unreasonable that the other at least give the others obsession a try.Have you.? Have you been open minded to it.You might enjoy it? It might be good for you and make you a better person...It might open up you world to a new social outlet you might enjoy.? My second wife tried scuba diving with me, but she has ear problems..None the less, she enjoys the social connections with my dive friends..The social camping trips to Catalina.She does snorkle.
As to you can't get into riding,unless you have some physical disability; I say that is crap.We all have to start out. If you love him, you will give it a try. It will be his love for you that he slows down and works on making you a better cyclists and healthier person.
If you can't give each other their space and emotional NEEDS, then I say the relationship has some challenges.Go to time trials with him..Make new friends of his new cycling friends.. Try sharing his passion for the sport.You can become a part of it.One way or another.
As the scuba bumper sticker states.."My wife says this is your last dive, or I hit the road." or something like that.
the reply.."I will miss her." Good luck.
One reason I was impatient with the recent break up of Lance Armstrong's marriage. I read she was impatient with his professional cycling status, after he made them millions.
That the case, he only has a couple years to go as a pro.I have no patience for her..She should let him finish his career. And after what cycling did for the family fortune, I feel her ungrateful..
Again, my wife refuses to share in my needs, she knows compromise is necessary and not deny me what I need.Should you think you can deny him what is in his blood. Becoming good at time trials or touring hundreds of miles takes time and training..It is a life style and you could be a part of it one way or another....Good luck.

roadfix

I've toned down my cycling obsession over the years. We bought a tandem in the mid nineties and that worked out for a couple years.....roughly half of my time riding was spent on the tandem with my non-cyclist wife. She was also pleased with her new overall toned physique. Eventually, we gave up tandemming and she found a new hobby of her own.....and it's a healthy, physically demanding 'hobby'. I have absolutely no interest in her hobby but I let her spend as much time on it as she lets me do my cycling. This overall balance in our relationship has been perfect the last several years...

George

Kev

I have to agree with The Fixxer, take the initiative and go see a counselor and tell him to come with you. There is always two sides to every story, you nmight see him spending ALOT of time cycling, and yet he might see himself not spending enough. We can give advice but does not mean he will listen, but if you go to someone outside like a counselor and he listens to both of you and gives advice he will take it differently. Relationships are the hardest job you will ever have, but alost the most rewarding. It sounds like you have tried talking with him and nothing has changed (I did same thing in my marriage, I did not listen to my ex-wife and decided she was overreacting), I knew there was problems but never pursued counseling and neither did my ex-wife and now we are divorced. Not because of cycling, but I can understand what you are saying.

cyclezealot

CyclistsG.F.. I am just trying to be honest. Wish it possible you could try to share your boy friends love of cycling.At least to the best of your abilities and interest..They have packs to fit on his back to carry picnic supplies to some beautiful romantic spot.There you and he can get to by biking- the stress removing means of transportation. Then put down a cloth on the ground and contemplate what a beautiful ride it was; to this romantic spot, you might not frequent otherwise.
I find biking causes me to find locations, interesting business you would never see in a car. .....You can't do difficult riding for a year or so, ok......I am sure he is capable of adopting some of his riding time to your speed. It might enhance your relationship, should you be open minded.
I know too many cyclists. unless your boy friend is different from most- that I run into, it is in his blood. I know cyclists who have completed 200 miles in a day and now think of doing 300...If their spouses did not to some extent share in their passion, it would be hopeless..( heah, I have read of a refersal, where the woman cycles and the guy didn't) same problem.
Like me today..We have a committment, thinking we will go to a charity fundraiser late this afternoon.. My wife is a teacher..She must get her work done before we can go to this function...She keeps saying,I will know soon if we can go..
I am so impatient with this., she might not keep our committment- if work interferes.
I am like a caged lion..The sun is out and I could have gotten in another 40 miles. Cyclists friends have already stopped by seeing if all the group wants to go out and play....Feel so anxious.... Waiting for her to decide upon whether we will keep our plans..Had I gone out with them, probably would have not gotten back in time for the committment- she very well might not keep......Just an insight into the mind of a cyclist.
Heah, she just came into the room,she can go, so the day is not wasted..It is to rain tomorrow so no bike commute into work..See, I don't ride I think about riding on the net..

slvoid

Good lord, 2-6 hours a day, that's how much of my 8hr work day's spent sleeping/eating/browsing.

If I may offer an opinion.
a) I get obsessive over things easily (still getting over my head-fi.org $1000 headphone fiasco)
b) I recently got into biking (wooo)

My girlfriend's got a 24" mtb and I have a 26" with slicks on it. It's hard for her to keep up and she's at the point where she's a) tired of being left behind and b) outriding her 24" now so very soon she's going to buy a 700c touring bike.

I realized that she wasn't happy being left behind all the time so now I try to a) keep her in my mirror and slow down so she's close enough to draft or b) let her lead.

Try getting him to ride earlier and starting dinner a little later, that way when he gets home from a ride, you two can still sit down to dinner and spend some time together.

Every saturday and/or sunday, we go for a nice ride around in the morning and drop by a cafe for coffee and a slice of cake. Show him that yes there's obsessive compulsive biking but then there's biking for the sake of spending a little free time as a hobby.

Take up the hobby with him and you take his road bike and get him a dual suspension mtb with big fat knobbies. I'm pretty sure you'll leave him in your dust. My girlfriend lost weight, shaped up, she looks better than ever. After all the compliments her friends and family gave her, she became a lot more willing to buy a new bike and grow with the "hobby".

Aside from getting counseling, you might want to show him that yes you're willing to take an interest in his hobby/lifestyle/whatnot but he's got to be willing to come to your level.

Find your own hobbies too or join a cycling club riding with people in your level. Meet some couples who manage their time correctly and invite your fiance to go riding with your group, get him to realize that there are avid bikers out there who are also able to devote time to friends and family outside of the sport.

Unless he's lance armstrong and brings home $$$ biking, you gotta do something about it.

Guest

It sounds selfish to me.

If you let your bike get in the way of your relationship, I don't care many MILLIONS you make, it's selfish.

At some point in the relationship, you have to realize there's something more to the two of you than that bike. If you can't realize that, then there's a problem. I think it's ridiculous to expect someone to pick up someone else's hobbies because they have an obsesson with that particular hobby. If a woman was all about sewing, and she spent as many hours a day doing sewing and refused to spend time with her mate, then took every conversation with her husband/sig other talking about sewing, there wouldn't be a man alive that would fight to chew his arm off to get away from her fast enough. Even if he were understanding and took some classes, he would certainly feel that after a certain point, enough is enough, and there needs to be some talk about their mutual interests, whatever they may be.

Now, if Lance or anyone else actually procreated with another woman, married her, and made the focus of his life about cycling and refused to take time out for his wife and family, OF COURSE the wife is going to get impatient- sheesh, you can't have that many kids (twins too, no less, and each kid no more than 2 years away from each other) and not expect for the other spouse to help out too- marriage is more than being about bringing home the bacon, and a lot of men fail to realize this. They feel like because they're bringing home the money, they don't have to take the time to share in the housework, child rearing, etc. As a result, the marriage suffers, and so do the children. Any person that heard that Lance/Kiki story that got upset with KIKI is crazy- there is no way on God's green earth that any man shouldn't share in the responsibilities when needed, put aside their work when they're needed by their family, and take the time out to pitch in. If they can't do the bare minimum, that's selfish. Not every woman in the world wants money over a good man and good love that comes with that man- and if you're all about a wife that's just satisfied with making MILLIONS, then really... I feel sorry for you.

Ok, I don't know what this woman's relationship is for real with this guy. I can say that if she doesn't care for it, and she's made an attempt to learn about cycling, but really, it's not her thing, and this guy is all about this bike, and he can't see that she needs more from the relationship, it may be time to seek some serious counselling. I wouldn't say give up- if they're still together after all this, there has to be something there worth fighting for. Do whatever you can to try to make it work, but if he can't meet you halfway after doing all this, it may be the beginning of the end. There has to be a way you can talk out what's going on and resolve the issues. I don't have a problem if the dude wants to go out and bike ride, but from what this woman is describing, there's just no room for her, except in the bedroom. Me personally, that's not good enough for me. There has to be one on one interaction, and he has to take an interest in the things she likes to do, AND they ought to have some things they like to do together. They don't have to do everything together- that's too much, and I think it's a bit unhealthy too if they are doing everything together all the time. There should be time for them to work on their own hobbies, and time for each other to work on some things together. That is what I would consider a healthy relationship.

Of course, I could be too much of a demanding nut too...

Koffee

anikuma

Fixer, what hobby is your wife into?

Cyclistgf. During the time he spends cycling, try to find a hobby or sport you enjoy. Then you can bring another subject to your cycling laden conversations. Case in point, when I cycle my gf does her yoga. Now I am kinda getting into it, cause the benefits of it. If you don't want to take part/try with his cycling, find yourself a hobby, and share it with him. I think its a myth that couples should share the same interests.

roadfix

SALSA!.....no, not as in cycling components, but as in dancing....she always loved it but got seriously into it, entering competitions, attending salsa seminars, conventions...etc....
I don't/can't dance......I can only move my legs in circles.

George

anikuma

HAHA I didn't even look at the 2nd page of the thread, i think i effectively just repeated what everyone else has said

Fixer, you got to try salsa. Its a bit intimidating at first but so much fun. The gf has already picked a place for us to take lesson when I move back to North America.

roadfix

If he doesn't budge, I'd say dump him!

George

Urbanmonk

I have to agree with Koffee. I'm a guy who gave up a lucrative day job making "mucho" dinero, for two years, to care for my two daughters--1 and 3 years old. Priorities and long-term rewards are what everyone should focus on. (I still continue to teach at the college two nights a week, but would have given that up too for my daughters.) My wife chose to continued to work as the insurance package was better and she had no other part-time work available. She would have gone nuts only watching the girls. As far as addiction is concerned, cycling is a new one for me, and I "will" control that, since my previous addiction, golfing, was placing a great strain on my relationship. Pull him out of the loop for one week, if possible, so that he can gain some perspective and see the possible loss; it's a little hard to gain some clear perspective when your in the thick of things. It's alright to join him in his hobby if it truly is your thing, but if it's not, then as Koffee suggested you are giving up part of yourself. (I'm reading through the discourse.) Jung said that only when we are walking in paths of our own desires, are we truly authentic and complete (happy). Good luck!

Urbanmonk

Guest

Whoa Fixer... is your name George or Abby? :-/

Signed,

Confused in Chicago

roadfix

Ooo... I like that.....