Bmach

Yep, not cool what you did. Next step a mistress? So why not get her a chippingdale to make her happy? That way you both have something nice to ride!

Cyclist0108

Thank you for breathing some sanity back into this!

dksix

Ask her if she's prefer you to be riding something new with 2 legs or 2 wheels (make sure all the rifles are in the safe prior to this tactic).

I'm, of course, not being serious (nor original). Jay Leno says something along these lines about his car collection, that his wife agrees to 4 wheels but nothing with 2 legs.

In all seriousness. I allow myself so much money to be tied up in hobbies. I always agree to sale something before buying something else, I've owned 50+ guns or 20+ motorcycles/ATV's at one time. How much I make is known as well as how much goes into the bank, what I can buy with what's agreed for me to keep is never an issue. I've always worked some on the side which provides all of my hobby funds plus other luxuries for the family.

10speedBill

The Ferrari, the nicer than yours bike, and two weeks is Hawaii.

Basically you're toast.

Hardrock23

When I'd get upset with my (now ex) husband for buying "expensive toys" (or whatever), it was, usually, only because he didn't talk with me about it first. He would just buy it - no conversation with me, no letting me know in advance, nothing. Had he just brought it up and spoken to me about it/what he wanted, I wouldn't of minded...of course as long as we could still take care of every thing else.

Being open & honest to, and communicating with, goes a long way. I wouldn't buy her something because she's upset you bought yourself something...But I think you know that already lol

johngwheeler

My OP was meant to be slightly tongue-in-cheek, but it does raise a serious question (apart from the imperfections of my married life), on how we juggle our interest / passion for cycling and bikes with a non-cycling partner or family.

I envy those who ride with their partner or family, or who have families that will support both the expense and time commitment that cycling can entail. I constantly have to have to juggle my hobby time with other group activities (such as watching TV) that I enjoy less. Spending time with family, and pulling one's weight with housework and chores is important, but it would be great if I were given permission for more "me time" without it being given grudgingly.

My wife's best argument is: "if you want more exercise, why don't you weed the garden / clean the house / tidy the yard etc.". Exercise for "fun" is just wasted if there are physical tasks that need doing!

I'll work it out, hopefully, but I'd be really interested in understanding how other people manage this situation.

Kindaslow

Your points are very valid, and great stuff to discuss with your wife. She does not need to understand, and she should be supportive. But, those are achieved via open discussions and making sure you are on the same page regarding the finances. It took my wife and I about 10 years to work through these same issues, but we did. 😀

Cyclist0108

That's a great idea.

Then he can tell the wife he is with the mistress, and tell the mistress he is with the wife, so he can go for a bike ride.

Cyclist0108

I just can't resist meddling; I think what your relationship really needs right now is a tandem.

bikemig 

good thing you didn't have to teach her English . . . .

bikemig 

Sounds like you have some good relationship issues to work on. you should be able to buy n plus 1 (assuming family funds allow) but not behind your wife's back. you guys should hash this out.

I don't have a problem with N plus 1 but I ride vintage bikes mainly and more or less break even on them (less lately)

king_boru

I did that. Worked well. Its one of them Dyson V6 Animal battery powered vacuums. Thing is she has a cleaning fetish and appreciated my understanding that an expensive vacuum trumps the generic brands. I applied that same logic to some new PC components that were of equal value and it didn't sink in. That's when I looked at the vacuum and said "it's charged hun, you should try it out" and proceeded to leave the house for a beer.

Maelochs

What I did was suffer for a long time, while my wife and I figured out how to get along. I never lied, and I rarely pulled out the "We disagree---and I am doing what I want anyway" card because you can only play that card so many times before it hurts more than it helps.

People who talk about marriage taking work are right. And frankly, all that matters is that the two people are alright with however it works.

Some people cheat and lie and steal from their partners, and get the same in return ... that's just how they do it. I think it is sick, but if it works for them ...

I decided I wasn't going to settle for a crap marriage which was two people competing while cohabiting. I decided to build a team and share everything. That way I would have a friend and partner to have my back when things went really wrong, instead of needing to watch my back when the rest of the world was in my face.

It took a lot of work, and I had to change a lot, and so did my wife ... but we changed by being better people and better partners, not by pandering to each other superficially.

It took time, and it took energy, and it hurt a lot. The results were absolutely worth it. Once things start getting good they just keep getting better.

As for specifics ... tell her that you need to get out on the bike to retain your sanity, to get re-centered, to clear the crap out of your head ... because if the stress builds up, there is a chance it will poison the relationship with your wife and kids---not in a threatening way, but being stressed and being a good husband and parent are at odds because both those things are themselves potential stress generators.

And at least with my wife, I also had to explain to her that I had limited time and less care about some stuff--yardwork and gardening in particular--and to some degree it was her thing ... like cycling is my thing--and she couldn't dragoon me into doing it any more than I could demand that she go riding with me.

I have to do basic yardwork because we co-own the home and it is my yard too. I will put Some time into making the yard "pretty" but not much. If she thinks its matters, she is welcome to do it, and I will help a little just to be nice---but I don't expect her to do my things and she cannot expect me to do her things.

I planted flowers and shrubs, she wouldn't care for them, they died ... I won't plant any more. I explained to her that I didn't marry a maid or a cook, and she didn't marry a gardener. We can work out the household chores we each do with less distress ... and naturally I do the heavy lifting--but anything over and above household maintenance is personal desire.

She can't say "I am planting flowers for the house, therefore it is for you too and you have to do it." She is planting flowers for the house like I am buying a new bike for her.

Lots of stress over all that. But ... the better we learned to communicate, the easier it was to work out our issues.

Not saying you should do it any certain way ... and I am sure your relationship is a lot deeper and broader than the comic scenario you limned.

But yeah ... If I am going to be serious, I say, truth is Absolutely key ... never lie. Compassion and tolerance are essential also. From Both sides.

And when nothing else works ... i go for a long bike ride.

SquidPuppet

Exactly what I was thinking. Maybe throw in a frying pan as well.

tyrion

I knew a guy - cameras were his thing, always wanted the latest greatest. And his wife liked antiques. So whenever he'd get a new camera or lens she'd get a comparable antiquing adventure. Worked out nicely. Of course they could afford it.

GSJon

How's your kitchen? could it be redone somewhat? What about the baths? New linen in the bedroom?

What I have mentioned are "communal" items but she may just like to have new cabinets in the kitchen or softer sheets for the bed (btw 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets are expensive and soft enough to melt into).

Sound like your wife likes gardening. Does she have a potting shed or area dedicated for her?

-Jon

nycphotography

Don't hide, but don't ask permission either. Just flatly say you're thinking about getting one for bla purpose, but you don't know yet.

One tactic... Ask if she likes the blue one or the red one. then when it shows up, its like "hey, you picked it out".

Oh, and I find one intensive hobby is about all I can keep up with the care and feeding for at one time. So I'm spending on bikes and training and racing... but not photography gear, motorcycle racing, cars, etc.

I won't ask what you make and save, but for myself... I find that my saving and investing goals, while "met", are never really met so long as I still have to work to pay the bills. So frivolous crap, like bicycles and racing, has to fit in some box in terms of spending.

Even now there's an investment I want to buy but I'm like x% short on cash. So now the money I spent building up my race bike, team kit, kickr and bla bla bla... I kinda wish I had it liquid because where I was flush with cash in Feb, I suddenly find I'll be pinching pennies for a while if I make this investment.

But to your point, if you have separate budgets, just tell her that you bought it because you could without sweating it, and you didn't tell her because you love her too much to fight about little stuff that doesn't really matter.

Humpy

Go get yourself a nice mountain bike.

Larry77

Wow, some of you guys really raked him over the coals. I laughed at his post because I've been in similar situations. I even showed my wife and she laughed at his post. My wife and I both have purchased items that the other didn't know about and then said stuff like, "What, this old thing?" We are fully committed to each other and give each other enough room to hang ourselves once in awhile. I have never purchased something that would break the bank and she hasn't either but we do indulge in a undiscussed purchase now and again. We've been married very happily for more than 17 years and she likes that I enjoy cycling so much and that I have a very healthy pastime. Her biggest worry is that I get hit by a car again and get more seriously hurt than last time, rather than how much I spend on my now 6 bike deep passion of cycling.

For advice, I would just try to help your wife understand why you really wanted it and that you are very sorry for doing it behind her back and agree to talk to her about it next time. We give my cycling a budget and set aside money each month (just like her yoga). At times I go over my budget and have to explain but she knows that I am not trying to hurt her or break our family by spending money. You guys acted like he spent his mortgage on a bike, hid it from his wife, and caused them to be thrown out on the streets. Lighten up!

Cyclist0108

We killed three of those in a row. I had a Dyson graveyard in the garage. Dyson is to vacuums what Bose is to audio.

johngwheeler

If the rear seat comes with a cocktail bar and no need to pedal, I think she'd be all over it...or a rickshaw? I bet those guys in Asia have killer leg muscles and cardio fitness :-)

johngwheeler

I like this advice. Pretty much spot on for my situation.

FBinNY 

I've learned a decent amount over decades of marriage. One of the best bits is not to get involved in other people's marriages.

So, no specific advice except to remind you that "happy wife = happy life".

Straighten this out sooner rather than later. In the future, decide how important your wife is to you, before gratifying any other whims.

700

So talk to her. Maybe you make a budget that includes weekly allowances for each of you. You save up - you get a bike. She saves up - she gets a new ensemble. But your posts did make it seem a little lopsided in your direction(bikes, telescopes, computers, your family) - was that what you were intending?

nycphotography

While true FBINNY, I hesitate to enable a bully, and using scorn or disapproval as a means to get one's way is bullying, and is not a recipe for long term relationship success.

Option a (above), is telling her she's being a jackass about it (assuming the separate budget scenario is being accurately presented?) without telling her she's being a jackass about it.

Option b might be to simply ask her "What part of our separate budget understanding isn't working for you? because I thought we had this understood, yet clearly something here is bothering you? Is there something here we need to work out?" Give her a chance to explain why she's bothered by something that shouldn't be bothering her. The conversation will not only clear the air about the bike, but also clarify understandings about the budget arrangements.

Some people do better with direct to the real point option b. Others get the hint from option a.

Option c is that some people simply can't be reasoned with, so you find various manipulative ways to deal with them. I prefer not to deal with people like that at all, but if you're already married, and it's not so bad you have to pull the plug, then you do what you have to do to make it work. And while "never lie" is easy to say, some people just force you to lie to them if you want to have any peace at all in life. Men too.

Nobody here knows his wife. But he can pick and choose ideas and then work things out within whatever weird culture exists in his own wonderfully weird relationship. Because lets face it, all relationship turn into weird little cultures.