All of his magazine staples are strategically placed.

he finds staples wonderfully fastenating

Becoming the National Swingline Dancing champion was within his grasp, until his legs folded up on him at the last second.

He believes you have his stapler and he won't put up with this anymore and will set the building on fire and he asks for no salt on his margaritas and there was salt on the rim, big grains of salt but it's ok he put strychnine in the guacamole

Slept with Lumbergh.

Smells like Limburger.

Ate a lamb-burger and thought it tasted b-a-a-a-a-a-d. Feels a little sheepish admitting it.

There he goes again, ramming his puns at ewe.

he'd rather be ramming sheep buns

Likes cheating on his wife with sheep because they won't tell on him.

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...he's had a subscription to "Bears" magazine for many years. But he only reads the articles, which are very informative and composed by top writers.

His personal hygiene regimen starts with a little move he calls "Scratch and Sniff"...

Doesn't believe in bike shorts, well, clean ones anyway. He prefers yoga pants, of which he only wears the sheer variety. One day, after a long uphill and them a blistering downhill, he rolled up on 3alarmer, who pointed at him and said, "I can plainly see you're nuts."

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...he has blisters on his "downhill", if you know what I mean.

...has blisters on his foreskin.

So many movies...

...so little lube.

has a midnight service shop in his shed out back of his house. "shaft n lube" . it's all word of mouth

Has been known to frequent J.Higgins midnight service shed, he goes for the Groundskeeper Willie, a rather greasy Scottish affair!

Having a third rate romance at a low rent rendezvous is too upscale for his budget and taste.

Inspired by the life and times of the late Ron Popeil, has developed a new wart-removal sensation, Warty Warthog, Wart Removal device, which is really just a repurposed Harbor Freight nose hair-trimmer (yes, HF really sells nose-hair trimmers).

I'm pretty disappointed.

He PM'ed me and said he just posted The BIG Lie; that's more like a stretch limo made from a Yugo.

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...he's written "The Complete Guide to Repurposing the Crap You Bought from Late Night TV Ads", which he is now selling with a late night TV, infomercial, blitz campaign.

.
...he was recently designated as a five minute stop on Ernesto Collado's special, one time edition, smelling tour of California.

Smells like teen spirit.

Now, ^^^THAT, is The BIG Lie...

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,,,after a lifetime of drinking, he finally sought therapy. His big breakthrough came recently, when he realized his drinking problem was that people would not get the hell out of his way, when he was drunk. It was quite the revelation, and when he suggested to the therapist they go out and celebrate with a drink, she scheduled him for another six months of appointments.