Has choked more chicken than Colonel Sanders.

A reminder, newbie: This thread is for lies only.

In his book of secret herbs and spices, he has handwritten the exact number of chickens choked by Colonel Sanders.

Despite having Colonel Sanders as a tutor, he has never mastered the art of choking a chicken. The best he has achieved is repeatedly gagging the chicken, a cruel and ugly spectacle.

Gets nervous and keeps looking outside after they all point to him after the junk removal commercial says "just point at it and it's gone".

Ahem

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...has long been in the category of extra crispy.

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...he has been meaning to get that looked at.

Got it looked at and now what is seen cannot be unseen...

He's...seen things...you people wouldn't believe.
Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
He's watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.
All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
Time to die.

He really made a scene at his corporation's black tie dinner, wearing his birthday suit, and sporting a red bow tie.

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...his flasher attire consists only of an overcoat, shoes, socks, and a cute little bow that he makes using his Pro Bow fluff box.
He's been into bow fluffing for years now, and finds it a rewarding and fascinating "hobby". "Can I fluff your bow ?" is the line he uses when flashing.

Once crapped in a Pringles can and mailed it to his love rival.

Dropped a potato and baked it for the good of all mankind.

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...he raps under the stage name " 2 tight wrap ".

He rasps to the hot single “Chokehold”.

Vanilla Ice is his hero. And the Pink Powerranger.

Had to hire a professional to wipe Google of blackface photos.

https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/bikefor...6af0f79dd3.png

Of all the stacks of 78's in his mom's basement, Al Jolson singing " My Mammy " still brings him to tears.

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...he'd walk a million miles, for one of her smiles.

Was adopted and raised by humans...

Wishes he had a cooler nickname than the crazy wierdo who lives in the free candy van down by the river.

Mary Kay Letourneau's first husband.

The best sex he ever had was during the 6th grade.