We all go through periods of doubt and uncertainty. Yours is real and concerning to you at this time and the fact that you are honest and talking about it gives me hope for you. I can’t say I know how you feel , that would be unfair . I do know that everything in life changes and hopefully yours will move in a positive direction. For me , cycling is my “mental floss” and has helped me through some tumultuous times. I used to do what surferosa suggested quite a bit but due to medical reasons I can’t anymore , like for the last thirty years. I work on my bikes and ride as often as possible.