Robvolz 

Borrowed from another forum, but so apt!

Feel free to ad to the list.



There are good. Yours might be even better. Lets see what you got!

Lattz

I mostly see these in the Vespa and classic car world
"ideal base for a restoration" = expect a pile of rust foam held together by body filler or paint
"As I know it belonged to a famous cyclist" = I want way more more momo than what it worths
"It is so rare it doesnt even have serial no." = rarely legit often stolen
"it must be a prototype" = the first 2 pages of google didnt show it

Pompiere

Recent Tune-up = Sprayed some WD-40 on the chain and put air in the tires (aligning the valve stems optional).

brewerkz 

I know what I've got = has no idea, and way over priced
No longer for sale after Sunday = garbage pick up is Monday

CroMo Mike 

Needs tubes: Tires are flat from sitting and I don't have a tire pump.
Fork's not bent: Fork and frame are bent.
Slight surface rust: You'll need a tetanus shot.
Needs TLC: All the love in the world won't fix what's wrong with this bike.
Ground-up restoration: Ground up restoration.
Serious inquiries only: Seller lacks a sense of humor.
No tire kickers: Bike would fall apart if you kicked it.

jdawginsc 

Sold new for over $1,000 - I got it at a garage sale for $28.

sfazio 

ready to ride, just needs cleaned up=been sitting outside for a decade

CroMo Mike 

Barn Find: Covered in many years accumulation of dust, mildew, and unspeakably disgusting insect and animal droppings.

Peugeot PX-10: UO-8

Lightweight: Lighter than a Varsity.

Patina: See barn find.

Pcampeau

My favorite is “Tires hold air”…..ummmmm No!! On the vintage bikes I buy, tubes hold air and “tires hold air” means tires are certainly dry rotted to a crisp and dangerous to ride. Just say they’re rotted when you know that they are. The disingenuousness of this statement infuriates me.

bark_eater 

"Bike for sale" = A glimmer of hope.

Dave Mayer

Needs new tires = needs new wheels
Needs new rims = needs new wheels
Needs new tubes = needs new wheels
Will meet at [local transit hub] = stolen
Needs peddles = stolen
Needs breaks = stolen
Schwinn = Trek

P!N20

Reluctant sale = I forgot I had it

Campognola components = I can’t read

I have too many bikes = my wife said I have too many bikes

Robvolz 

my fav: Serious inquiries only: Seller lacks a sense of humor.

I'm going to use that

Clang

Tire tread is still good. = Sidewalls are threadbare and crumbly.
No kickstand. = They would have put one on if they knew how (thank god (not all of these have to be bad))
Tires are flat I don't have the pump that works with them. = Bring a presta compatible pump.
Comfy seat. = Gel-bloated aftermarket abomination that weighs 8 pounds and is the size of a wedding cake. Do they ever have the original saddle? No.
Tires like new. = Flipper that loves to use tire shine. Hope you hate traction!
No price, just OBO = They're rubbing their hands together dreaming of a fevered bidding war.
Top of the line. = Mid-range at the very best.
Studded tires included. = Retired and probably very rusty winter beater.
Hybrid = Rigid mtb
Road bike = Rigid mtb with slick tires
Touring bike = Regular road bike
Compare to Surly = Steel bike.
Mentions Grant Peterson in ad text = Bridgestone Tax helpfully included
Mentions bicycle color in ad title = Couldn't think of any remotely useful info to add.
Included disclaimer that the bike photos they used aren't of the actual bike for sale. = They enjoy wasting everyone's time.
Pedals and Brooks saddle not included. = They didn't want to retake photos sans those items.
Ad for Viscount that mentions the Death Fork. = They realize they have an uphill battle selling this, but put a premium price on it anyways.
Collectible = Hoarders collect old newspapers and jars of urine- so what?
Must take all. = One semi-interesting bike and the rest are BSO trash. Or one men's cruiser and matching ladies cruiser.
Fugi = Fuji

wrk101

RARE = no one ever wanted one of these back in the day.

CLASSIC = Not classic

VINTAGE = Old POS

Collectible = By the garbage man.

Top of the Line = Best of the box store junk.

,Patina = rust bucket

Sells on ebay for $1000 = saw some crazy seller ASKING $1000 for a similar bike once.

No low ballers = delusional seller, thinks he has gold, but its really crap.

Frame size 56 inches = I don't understand metric (I see this A LOT)!

Custom build = took 3 bikes out of the trash and cobbled them into one.

REDUCED MUST SELL! = I was asking 10 times market value, now I am asking 5 times. I see this a lot.

Gravel bike = drug it behind my truck down a gravel road.

icemilkcoffee 

size 26" = 700c
27" tires = 700c
28" tires = 700c
26" wheels = 700c
25" wheels = 700c
55cm = measured from the TOP of bottom bracket to the center of seat/top tube
55cm = top tube measurement
55cm = measured from center of bottom bracket to center of top tube, but vertically, ie not along the seat tube.
Good for 5'4" to 6' = no, it isn't

madpogue 

Actually, I ALWAYS meet the buyer at a public, and well-attended, location. Both for privacy and safety.

Or = scam ad, seller has no actual bike to sell
= I'm too lazy to go and look at the bike to get the spelling right

Also applies to wheel size 700cc or 700cm. Pray that the seller's job is not in any science, technology or engineering industry.

SurferRosa

"Don't you hate Craigslist and eBay?"

"Yeah, so many flakes and know nothings."

"By the way, that's a really cool vintage bike. Where'd ya you get it?"

"Thanks! Oh, this one? Uh, Craigslist. I love it."

ehcoplex 

I really like the 'very rare' and 'sought after' listings that have the marque spelled wrong. And the many, many, many 'record du monde' model Peugeots....

Lattz

I'm <this or that> tall and it fits me well. (usually 54-55cm frames sold by 1,80-1,90 m tall persons)
Preferred delivery method: Local Pickup or Shipping --> "I have never shipped a thing and never will". or even better, "I ship.... but not to Germany"
Custom: rattle canned, or mismatched parts

bikingshearer 

Another definition of "rare": It's the only one I have.

P!N20

Recently serviced = I put some grease on the chain a few years back

NOS = Not Overly Special

RandolphCarter

Custom: This bike is made up of a bunch of different parts made by a bunch of different manufacturers, and I either don't know what they are, or don't want to take the time to list them all. Probably also involves totally wrong/excessive stickers and spray paint. This grouping also includes the subcategory of "Costom" which is a department store BMX bike. These are frequently covered in spray paint, with a 1” quill stem maxed out above the insertion line, bars tilted forward 45 degrees or more, and 9:15 gearing. Chain is also usually partially painted. Stock brakes removed because that’s how kids ride today. 90% chance the front rim is radial laced and spray painted also.

Rare: rusty as a *****, I don't have time to get busy with some Scotchbrite or some CLR. Adds to the "character" of the bike, whatever that means.

Vintage: (they love to throw this one around in hopes of catching some doofus hipster) Just plain old, as in I rode it in high school, I'm now 63 years old. It's been sitting in garage ever since.

One of a kind: Sure, they made millions of Univegas, but THIS one is special. Special like I cut a thousand football fields worth of grass to buy it back in 1981. So it's real special. To me, only. And now it can be yours!

Old School: It's from 1998.

Restored: similar to "Custom", but with the use of 60 grit sandpaper.

Like New: My kid rode it a few times and it's been sitting in the garage with crap piled on it for years.

$$ Needed: Got any meth?

Just needs a new tire: ...and a new front hub, and all bearings repacked, and a chain, and brake cables...

Pick up only, no delivery: I'm on my third DWI

80's BMX: Huffy, Kent, Royce Union, Team Murray, Ross, Columbia or Free Spirit.

Need gone ASAP: I won't stop double posting until it sells for 2x it's value.

Firm: Don't bother emailing, I'm tired of responding to reasonable offers.

No Lowball Offers: I don't want informed buyers telling me I am selling a POS for big bucks.

Unbranded parts: Cheap parts that I don't even know what they are (or are embarrassed to say).

Will clean up nice: I can't break it down because the hardware is stripped or seized due to rust.

Taking offers: looking for free expert appraisal but not actually willing to sell

Barn find: bought it yesterday on CL for $50 now it is $500. Alternatively, may be covered in manure.

No lowballers, I know what it is worth: Checked the sold listings on eBay and found a pristine example of something that is the same make (not model) as this rust bucket being listed on CL

Paid $X at local bike store: Still fuming that the bike traveled more miles in the trunk of the car on the way home from the bike shop, than their child ever rode it

Freestyle BMX: Hardware store bicycle with no gears. Most likely has bent pegs and weighs at least 38 lbs

Recently tuned up at bikeshop: I ran it under a hose and inflated the tires.

Old racing 10 speed: 70s 'bike boom' road bike with a heavy hi-ten frame, rear wheel dork disk, stem mounted shift levers, steel rims, cottered cranks, and turkey wing safety brake levers. From a brand you've never heard of.

Nwvlvtnr 

eBay sellers:

26mm clamp: Removed from bicycle with drop bars

French Threads I: Removed from Peugeot

French Threads II: Part is clearly labeled “Made in France”

French Stem: French Brand