Talking shop (bikes) at a mixed group event, a foul up
02-04-19, 06:55 PM
#127
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Talking shop
I'm trying to find some finality here about a pretty specific thing that happened last year. Trying to learn something and move on.
It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.
If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.
For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...
When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?
This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.
This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.
This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.
I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?
-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?
It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.
It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).
After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
It's been a point of contention with the wife for some time. No amount of confirmation bias is going to sway her opinion of the matter. I'm just seeking out feedback to make sure I don't screw up future possibilities of trying to build friendships.
If you were at the event and there's the small chance you're on this forum, I apologize in advance if you think you were there. I try to be hospitable to all, but apparently wasn't and appreciate your support in coming out.
For my birthday last year I did a group ride with the local group and had a few of the members over for dinner after the kids were in bed. The BIL, his wife, and my wife were also around. We drank, ate some food, had some cake etc...
When like minded folk get together, they often talk shop. Was it rude for the talking shop to dominate much of the evening?
This kind of thing dealing with a pissed off wife makes you not want to do anything with it after a negative experience.
This year I'd rather eat takeout with the kids and just go ride by my lonesome during the day for my birthday.
This whole bit turned into her calling them crazy people and nutters and saying they can't come over. It's really made me withdraw from the group rides a lot since then.
I would normally file it under the idea that lots of women don't like their husbands having a hobby of hardly any kind. But am trying to be open minded about the bit.
So, I ask:
-Should I totally separate ever having people I know who share a hobby from the people who don't?
-Was it a daft idea for the invite of having a hobby group of folks over to begin with?
-Was this an isolated oversight of excluding people by talking shop at my party the whole time, or was there something more to it than that?
It's just tough to rationalize or balance a view of it simply being a possibly rude one-off occurrence versus an overall hatred for my hobby.
It's difficult to balance a one off thing that had such a violent outburst with the long term being that they don't hate your hobby. They say they don't hate it, and look at you daft for thinking they do, but........having endured such a reaction to the one event sticks with you (or me at least).
After this tongue lashing, cuss fest I pretty much started riding on my own all the time and took my group stickers off my car. They claim this was daft and has nothing to do with the one "rude event", but I can't come to believe that yet.
I insisted on going on a solo tour once a year. That resulted in a prolonged separation.
You said the conversation was almost entirely bike orented. That was a bit rude and sounds like it escalated from there. I wouldn't overreact though and stop doing a hobby you love. It's OK to have a few interests that don't include the other. Some might say it's even healthy. If you stop enjoying a sociable ride and blaming the other for keeping you from it, you'll soon turn resentful.
She may be a bit jealous so try to explain your passion and maybe she'll understand. If not, well, I'd keep enjoying the group rides anyway and she'll just have to accept you as you are. Keep in mind I've remarried to someone that understands my lifelong passion.
02-04-19, 10:54 PM
#129
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I'm sure I'll regret this, but okay, since a few posters have asked, I'll give some examples. And by the way, I find any sexism disturbing. Just like I find any racism disturbing. (OBoile, your question is odd. Is there some level of sexism that you find not disturbing, i.e. acceptable?)
Post #50 refers to "toxic femininity." The OP's description of the problem makes it sound relatively un-gendered - it's just a problem between spouses. Using the term "toxic femininity" is an attempt to minimize the wife's complaint merely because she's a woman. (If the man had a problem with his wife's friends coming over and talking incessantly about knitting and kittens, would the same poster describe his reaction as "toxic masculinity"? Probably not.)
Post #67 is just anti-female. If you don't see that, you're beyond redemption.
And, after my initial observation, Post #86 continues the trend with a neanderthal bent - I mean, who really talks (or writes) like this in 2019? Though plenty of earlier posts convey the same sentiment, just a bit less overtly and crudely.
I guess I'm still just not seeing it.
02-04-19, 11:01 PM
#130
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OP: Breath deeply. Then Google Red Pill and follow your nose up and down various rabbit holes. We humans are the product of a very long period of evolution. Things start to make a bit more sense when one steps away from the Official Narrative and takes an eyes wide open deep dive into Evolutionary Biology.
Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.
For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
Above is the beginnings of the path to understanding. You may not want to go there.
For the rest, go on group rides; don't bring your riding buddies home.
02-04-19, 11:22 PM
#131
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Let me get this straight: Your friendship with your local cycling buddies is ruined, because you had the audacity to talk about bikes with them, at your own birthday party?
All because your wife threw a fit like a selfish, spoiled child. She is the obvious problem here and she should apologize for her behavior.
All because your wife threw a fit like a selfish, spoiled child. She is the obvious problem here and she should apologize for her behavior.
02-05-19, 06:54 AM
#133
Member
when my wife sees former co-workers, they talk about health care and what they are doing now. When we see friends that have the same interests as me, (guns and bikes), she listens and gives me the same respect as I give her. When like people are together, they will talk shop. Neither of us get mad at the other.
02-05-19, 08:30 AM
#134
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Wow
So your wife is that mad bc she didn’t like the topic of conversation? Did she like your friends? I feel like you can have your own friends but the fact you don’t entertain them at home doesn’t make them any less your friends. Certainly not to the point you isolate yourself.
have them over when your wife has other plans or is out of town. Host a get together at a restaurant or bar. Lots of places have a spare room you can book.
friends are friends entertaining them is not a requirement. Your wife sounds a little intolerant.
have them over when your wife has other plans or is out of town. Host a get together at a restaurant or bar. Lots of places have a spare room you can book.
friends are friends entertaining them is not a requirement. Your wife sounds a little intolerant.
02-05-19, 09:02 AM
#135
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None of that can be determined by the info given, though.
02-05-19, 09:20 AM
#136
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Has anyone even considered the possibility that he is a road-biker and she prefers to mountain-bike?
02-05-19, 10:28 AM
#137
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You ever read up on Connie Berto? She's been a vocal activist for restricting trails from MTB riding in Southern California for decades. Charlie Cunningham wrote her a letter arguing against the case she laid out in 1989, for example. Also is Frank Berto's wife, which seems like a relationship that could be a little strained at times.
02-05-19, 11:02 AM
#139
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Yeah, shortly after we got married I told my wife we had a communication problem ... she didn't want to talk about it.
02-05-19, 11:15 AM
#140
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Bad behavor often begets bad advice
And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
02-05-19, 01:43 PM
#142
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02-05-19, 02:04 PM
#143
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Unless the group includes plenty of people who don't share the hobby, discussions are likely to degenerate, because someone is the odd man out. (In this case it was your wife. And if she did all the preparatory and cleanup work before and after your party, her being upset does not seem particularly out of line to me. After all, she did not marry you to be abandoned by you...)
And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
And all you MCPs out there, pipe down.
Funny, I thought that male chauvinist pigs had all become extinct. Like the dodo...
02-05-19, 02:18 PM
#144
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02-05-19, 02:20 PM
#145
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If the OP has learned that this is a really dumb place to look for relationship advice, our work here is done.
Excellent lousy job, everyone.
Excellent lousy job, everyone.
02-05-19, 03:41 PM
#146
Senior Member
My wife while alive never did this sort of thing nor does my girl friend currently . Course I wouldn’t invite a bunch of people over for dinner without checking first ...
We do not share similar interests but we do ave certain activities we share as a couple ..
i like to ride bikes and I rarely involve her , she likes high tea, and art events which includes her lady friends .
our respective groups do not overlap
We do not share similar interests but we do ave certain activities we share as a couple ..
i like to ride bikes and I rarely involve her , she likes high tea, and art events which includes her lady friends .
our respective groups do not overlap
02-05-19, 03:57 PM
#147
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Next party, you need to bring up discussions about painting nails, plastic fingernails, airbrushing nails, makeup foundations, eye shadow, split ends, hilights, lipstick tones, curling hair, straightening hair, ... etc.
Pretty soon you'll be sent away and told to go find someone to talk about bicycles.
Pretty soon you'll be sent away and told to go find someone to talk about bicycles.
02-05-19, 04:16 PM
#148
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If you didn’t have small kids, I’d say run like hell. Since you do and probably want to keep things together, I’d suggest a marriage counselor. Someone who can help you both see things more clearly and help you get what you want out of marriage and life.
02-05-19, 04:46 PM
#149
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I was one who suggested marriage counseling. I admit, an internet message board, even a fine one like Bike Forums, is a terrible place for relationship advice.
