joeyduck

So my wife and I have been settling into our new life with me being disabled and our new baby and our son starting school.

We have had some tension over several typical life issues which have been magnified due to the accident and the recovery.

The issue I have the most trouble accepting is that she says I ride too aggressively and that it was a major factor in my accident. She insinuates I am reckless and not thinking of my mortality and she has been scared for her life when riding with me.

After my accident I have no real leg to stand (but they are my legs!) on in this argument and it bugs me.

I do ride fast and I will take the lane without hesitation when needed and safe. But I never feel I put myself at unnecessary risk and I do not think that I would have done anything differently.

I just do not know what I can do to make her change her mind or see my way, nor do I really think she will see my way or trust me to ride a bike again.

Another issue is I stayed a job that was under paying me for a long time. I feel I stayed since it was safe and flexible and paid the bills where we used to live (only since we had a low grandfathered rent). I wonder if I stayed at that job longer than I would have had I not bike commuted. I think bike commuting kept me at an unsatisfactory job longer than I should have. Is bike commuting bad for my career?

FrenchFit 

Your wife is right and your commitment to your bike commute is juvenile. Happy?

Being a family member mean balancing your choices with the best interests of your loved ones.

mcours2006

There's a difference between aggressive and assertive, but I can see how a non-cyclist can perceive assertive as being aggressive. My question is, did riding aggressively or assertively factor into the accident you had?

I completely understand her sentiments. My wife worries about me too, but I don't think that riding my bike to work is any more dangerous than driving my car, despite the recent fall I had. Riding safely means that sometimes you have to be assertive in taking the lane. Motorist will see that as being aggressive.

Jim from Boston

I have followed your story over the past few months, with some empathy since I was also in a cycling accident three years ago, that kept me off work for three months and off the bike for five. I have pretty much recovered to a new normal, and work and family life are pretty comparable to as before. I did have a lot of support in recovery, especially from my wife. I was particularly made aware of the toll it took on her when she gave a witness impact statement at the sentencing of the driver.

I am cycling again with her OK, but in large measure since she herself was a cycling companion early and for a long time in our relationship, and is not so fearful about the dangers. Also I have pretty safe routes.

I wanted to write something in response to your serious letter, as a fellow cycling lifestyle enthusiast and accident sufferer, but it seems to me that our circumstances are so different, that there’s not much I contribute except my best wishes for a good future. I am otherwise available on the Forums.

PS: FWIW, I posted to this thread on the Road Cycling Forum ”Coping with injuries and setbacks, how do you do it?”

Giant Doofus

I would guess that your wife is just really scared, which is understandable after what happened. Are you able to ride again now? If not, then I think I wouldn't pursue the matter now. See how you feel when you are back on two wheels.

As for the job: I would be willing to sacrifice some decent amount of income for the sake of stability and a bikeable commute. Low stress levels are also worth a lot. Only you can know if the sacrifice was too much.

You our have a lot to think about these days. Best wishes in the days ahead.

TGT1

You wrecked and got hurt. learn from it and deal with it with complete objectivity.

there are no accidents, just bad decisions, (not necessarily yours, and you could always get hit by an asteroid or something.)


Your carrier should be driven by what's best for providing for your family, NOT your preferred commuting method.

joeyduck

I felt that the old job was a good match since it allowed me to stay home to care for the boy f necessary. Work let me flex my time since I was not accountable to others, such as sales or production. This worked well with my family and I only saw the job as temporary while my wife completed her Ph.D. and we awaited her residency placement in another city.

I was constantly on the hunt for a different position but nothing every materialized nor did I get many call backs. The one time I had a legit shot at a great job I was just meeting the regional manager to discuss the possible position. It ended up being an ambush interview with him and an HR woman in a hotel conference room. It was not a meet and greet at the hotel bar.

I also stayed at the old job since I enjoyed the work.

I felt I was doing the best for the family at the time.

@mcours2006

That is a good question. I feel I am assertive not aggressive, but her perception is different. I don't feel that either attribute played a role in the accident.

She is a cyclist and used to commute.

Dave Cutter

Any activity done outside the workplace can have ether a positive or negative effect on how you are viewed at work.

I once worked with a bowler. He didn't bowl professionally... and bowling had nothing to do with his job. And it wasn't that he was incompetent at work ether. But he became known more for his outside interests than his job.... or worse... for his commitment to his job. I would guess that HIS outside interest did harm his career.

joeyduck

@Jim from Boston Thank you, I have come to respect your contributions to the forums over the years. There are differences but our situations do have similarities. I again thank you for your best wishes and support.

@Giant Doofus I am getting what I feel is close to riding again. I have been on a spin bike several times and I am starting to feel better. But my commute to work is not going to happen for a while. On the job front that is exactly the decision I made. There were no other feasible options bike commute or not for a better position or a position with higher pay.

You are right she is scared and I understand why. I think that the fear, the upheaval, and changes our family have experienced this year have played a major role in the reevaluating past choices and situations. There is also a lot of anger and resentment about this and it pulls things in from the deep and dark past.

I only say that maybe if I hadn't bike commuted that maybe I would have quit my job and searched for another one. But bike commuting outweighed the cons of the job. As I said in another post there were never other positions I found that were viable alternatives.

canklecat

Perceptions of how other people operate their vehicles can be misleading or irrelevant to actual safety experiences. Your wife's senses may be heightened by your injuries.

One of my good friends drives in a way that I've always considered a bit reckless: a little too fast, a little too herky-jerky, rolling through many stop signs after slowing down. But she's never had an accident as far as I know. And she's one of the nicest people I know, so her driving isn't a reflection of a person who's indifferent or hostile - she's just a bit oblivious to how she drives.

Meanwhile I've tended to drive like I'm carrying a load of eggs and nitroglycerin on a bumpy road. I drive within 5-10 mph of the speed limit (not slower), try to be courteous, don't tailgate, always signal, brake cautiously, drive very smoothly and have good accident avoidance and emergency recovery skills on slick roads. Basically I'm a textbook drivers ed driver. I'd probably make a good chauffeur, the type you never notice. And while I've never caused an accident I've been struck a few times by careless drivers, including one 14 years ago that left me disabled.

All of my bicycling accidents were caused by drivers clipping me, rolling through intersections, dooring me, etc. Fortunately all were at relatively slow speeds and there were no serious injuries. But no amount of careful riding on my part could fix bad drivers or those who simply don't see us. Nowadays I ride with bright flashing LEDs, day and night. I'm experiencing very few close calls compared with years ago when I rode without lights in daytime.

Sometimes accidents are just dumb luck and sometimes the careful drivers/riders get the ***** end of the stick.

joeyduck

@Dave Cutter Good points. I am known as the guy who cycle commuted since I was the only there who did. I also stood out since I was one of the few white people in my work place. I was good at what I do and it was acknowledged within the company as well.

Jim from Boston

My cycling definitely enhances my career, even well before my accident. I replied to this thread last winter, ”If you are tough about cycling in bad weather, are you a tough person in general?.”

PS to @joeyduck: FYA, I added a PS to my earlier post on this thread (added before I read your gracious reply above, to my first post).

joeyduck

@Jim from Boston

I think that cycling allows me more focus at work and it makes me get to task much quicker. I would get to work refreshed and invigorated; my mind was sharp and I was able to pick up tasks from the previous day with ease. These are good things from cycle commuting that get lost in the static.

I have found it tough to start getting back to activities since cycling was a major focus of my life. But I am starting to have the guys over for board games. I am awaiting my second return to the pool after my grafts get stronger and less fragile. I don't want another bout of cellulitis. the last two months have been great recovery wise; I am returning to work gradually, I'm doing more about the house, and I am able to participate in the family more.

I have used bike forums to keep up with everyone while recovering and I have tried to contribute when I have something worthwhile to contribute.

alan s 

If you are looking for relationship advice, here's my take. Your wife doesn't want you riding on roads any longer. That's a reasonable request. It's time to focus on your career, your recovery and your family. Next time you might not be so lucky. If none of this matters to you, ignore my advice and continue on your path, but don't be surprised if your marriage suffers. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's my honest opinion. Of course, I don't know you or your wife, but I seen lots of marriages fall apart because of extreme selfish behavior and ignoring very clear warning signs.

AlmostTrick

You are entitled to your feelings, and so is your wife to hers!

Listen to her and validate her feelings. (This doesn't mean you have to agree with her.) Google how to do this properly so you get it right... seriously.

More than keeping you off the bike, she just wants to be heard. It will be best for your relationship, and your chances to have your wife's blessings when you do start riding again.

32 years married here.

wphamilton

There was more to staying with your job than bicycle commuting, so don't guilt trip on that.

My wife accepts that I'm going to commute by bike, regardless of injuries, even if it causes her to worry at times. But in your shoes I'd tell her that there was no way I could not be more cautious, and that I'd be starting back slowly. I think it's important to acknowledge their concerns and to have a plan of action which takes the concerns seriously and addresses them.

PaulRivers

I ran across this page on roadbikereview.com that claimed to list out chances of dying from different activities:
Your chances of dying ranked by sport and activity | Road Bike News, Reviews, and Photos

It says biking is around 1 in 140,000 chance of death. Driving is 1 in 6,700.

Unfortunately it doesn't tell me more info about those stats (is driving higher because more people drive?), though since climbing in the himalyas above 6000m's is 10 in 100 I assume it's "per people doing the activity".

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Was this the post about what happened?
https://www.bikeforums.net/commuting/...l#post18109255

I mean...it sounds like your wife might be right.

When I know people who take risks, the difference between the smart ones and the ones who have bad things happen is that they both have a similar get-into-it mentality, but the smarter ones ask themselves "what's the worst that can happen if this goes bad?". The worse the long term affects are, the more buffers they put between themselves and something bad happening.

When you push the limit, no matter how smart you are and how much attention you're paying, you're eventually have to have it fall out from under you. You can be really really smart and really really skilled - you do it enough, one day you're going to have a brain fart. Or a bug is going to fly into your eye. Or you're going to suffer from several unlikely events all happening at once.

The only way to manage this that I know of if the results are long term bad is to put multiple buffers between you and something bad happening. Thinking "if 1 thing went wrong would I be screwed? what if 2 things went wrong?".

I drove from Minneapolis to Florida and back last year. I knew there could be a storm coming back. It was mostly just winds on my way back, but I wanted to try to make it through. I would not have done it if I had not had brought enough clothing with me to walk through 0F temps to the nearest town through snow. Even then, had I had a family, I might not have risked it at all. Had I been even smarter I would have brought a metal shovel with me. I did end up getting stuck even though I was "smart" because it turned out my car didn't have the same clearance through snow that the tire tracks I was looking at had (and they got stuck up ahead anyways). I was ok because I had an extra buffer of having enough clothing to be ok getting stuck (and a cell phone of course).

I'd suggest trying to find another activity that let's you "smartly push the limit" where the result is not death or serious injury when to many things go wrong. I'm not suggesting giving it up entirely - I'm sure if you think that way that your wife likes it in other scenarios. But thinking that way in a situation where the consequences are death or serious injury - especially with a family - is a bad idea.

Either that and/or build more of a buffer into your riding where any 1 thing going wrong would not cause any problem (there's only so much you can do about say a front fork breaking, but there's a lot more you can do about a vehicle unexpectedly stopping in front of you).

It's also certainly possible that your desire to take a few risks was satiated by biking, and then you didn't have the same desire to do that in looking for a new job.

Darth Lefty 

@joeyduck it seems from the description of your wreck that she may have a point. Your speed was high and you were making big and close swerves around big vehicles.

It's not just risk, it's also your own feelings about your competence. I am nowhere near as skilled on a bike or snowboard as my BIL, he does stunts easily that I can't approach. But he also hurts himself with some regularity.

kickstart

My primary thought is actually a question.

Had you been riding in a more conservative manner, would the incident still have happened?

I'm not implying fault for the incident, but the possibility of avoiding it.

chefisaac

Listen, your wife loves you and you have a family. I am in the same boat. We both commute. I am more an aggressive rider then she is so we have been around this block before.

What at has worked for me is to comfort her in a few ways. One is to slow down when I am riding with her. Perception is reality to some so you'll need to work on that.

Also, take less risks on the bike.

Lastly, and what worked so great for this situation, is to download an ap called Road ID. This sends her a text when you leave and gives her an url so she can track you in real time, it has an alarm function that will spend her an alarm if you have did not move for 5 minutes. And when you get to your destination, it will send her a text.

This is app has really helped her feel at ease with me riding more and more.

downwinded

Afraid I have to agree with the first statement here. Not really trying to assign blame but perhaps contributing factors.
I also recall your saying you would never have ridden that route with your son on the bike as you considered it too congested to ride safely. Well, if it's not safe for him to be on the bike...? Your wife loves you too.

Really glad to hear you are making progress with your recovery. As far as dealing with the wife you should stand up, be a man and be sure to get the last word in. Something like "Yes Ma'am"!!!

SHBR

Based on the description of the accident, some would say it was preventable, some may even go as far as saying it was the cyclists fault. Luckily there is a video, and that should provide some truth about what really happened. I'm not sure what the rush was, when I commute I rarely get above 25km/hr. Those few extra minutes, or seconds that were saved by travelling at 50km/hr with a commuter bicycle aren't worth 6-12 months of recovery time, with the possibility of permanent injury.

I would fully expect my wife to divorce me for being selfish if that happend to me..

megalowmatt

Your wife recently had a baby, didn't she?

Priorities:

1. Family
2. Job
.
.
.
3. Cycling

BobbyG

I can't remember if you mentioned counseling in any of your post-accident posts; but couples counseling can help. Sometimes people will say things to "strangers" they wouldn't say to their spouses. Also, hearing yourself say things out loud in front of somebody else helps you hear them with "new" ears, as well as hearing your spouse say things with "new" ears. And the impartial perspective of a third party may help frame issues in a way you hadn't considered. And sometimes the concerns or grievances a spouse voices are "safer" straw arguments they point to for other issues they may be too frightened to address.

joeyduck

Thanks all. You bring different points and perspectives.

Ultimately there are "What ifs" in everything, and maybe I need to reconsider some things.

I always put my family first. I work hard, I'm the day to day primary homemaker and care provider. But it's not enough right now.

Cycling was one of the few escapes and releases I had and I felt I was good at it, I had hoped to start racing this past spring.

I would never have been on that route with my son at that time since there was never a reason to be. I am confident I would have used it with him other times.

This issue of aggressive riding is just a knick in the surface of the issues the accident is bringing back from the past and it is one I feel comfortable bringing up here.

My wife is psychologist and we've both been seeing one.

The only time my wife brought up divorce was last August after her parents commented that most couples would have divorced already. The in-laws are supportive and great but they have been planting some bad seeds. The other day I came home and my wife was upset since her mom didn't think that I should have gotten our children their US Citizenship. So that brought up an argument which dredged up all things from the past again.