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Do you have "close" friends?

Old 07-26-21, 07:14 AM
  #1  
burnthesheep
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Do you have "close" friends?

I had read part of a book a while back and put it down after it got redundant in its points, "Bowling Alone". It was basically a social study with statistics about the loss of social capital. Loss of civic, fraternal, and friendship connections over time in the US.

One part of my life I'm not good at is I feel I've only got "acquaintances". Folks you see and work with at work. Folks you see and ride with at the group ride. Of which you may remember just a few names really well. None of which are the kinds of friends you could call up if you were on the side of the road. Or text and say "let's roll at 6:30 Saturday and grab a coffee".

I feel like a lot of the perceptions we have are driven by pop culture tv shows, movies, and social media. I think our family could do better at trying to foster some lasting meaningful relationships.

What do you all have going on? What are your thoughts on it. I feel like it's something routinely missing in life that could enrich it.
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Old 07-26-21, 07:21 AM
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When you get older you no longer really have friends. Just golf partners.
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Old 07-26-21, 07:23 AM
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Sounds like you need to find some friends.

Gheez.
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Old 07-26-21, 07:24 AM
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As someone who is probably further along on the spectrum than most people, I would say that I've probably had 2 or 3 people in my whole life (including my wife) that were much more than acquaintances. Maybe more that were "friends" but not really close friends.
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Old 07-26-21, 07:41 AM
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The reason for asking is it is an expectations vs. reality kind of thing. Don't have grand expectations for things if the reality is a little lower.

I kind of figured this was how it was.

Other reason for asking is that we're up a good amount on home value and considering selling out to cash out and buy a cheap place further out. The friends thing plays in that if we don't have any here, what are we worried about moving away from it?

No mortgage would we sweet.
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Old 07-26-21, 07:58 AM
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I've always struggled with gaining new friends, and maintaining current friendships. I regard myself as a friendly and likeable chap, but making time for friends is something of a chore for me. Because my Asperger's gets in the way of normal relationships, it takes a truly unique individual to want to remain friends with me for any length of time. I'm lucky to have a GI buddy, whom I consider my best friend, and he feels the same way about me. We met while assigned to the same base about 40 years ago. Despite the fact that he lives in Tejas, and I live in Cow Hampshire, we text or talk daily. He's closer to me than my own brother.

Other than that, I have no close friends here locally. its a small community and we are in the middle of it all, meaning we're too affluent to appeal to anyone making less money and have lesser interests, and we're too poor to hang with the rich folks. So were pulling a Stealer's Wheel kind of thing. We're lucky to have abundant family here in NH and the rest of New England, so there isnt any vacant sucking black hole in our lives that needs to be filled with an endless stream of friends and entertaining.

Times are different now. No longer is there a general store with an old woodstove that you can go sit around and enjoy the local gossip. I miss that stuff. I was never much good at it, but it was nice to go and keep my mouth shut and be part of it.
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Old 07-26-21, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
The reason for asking is it is an expectations vs. reality kind of thing. Don't have grand expectations for things if the reality is a little lower.

I kind of figured this was how it was.

Other reason for asking is that we're up a good amount on home value and considering selling out to cash out and buy a cheap place further out. The friends thing plays in that if we don't have any here, what are we worried about moving away from it?

No mortgage would we sweet.
No mortgage IS sweet. The day you pay that off will be a great.

So look at this as a new start? Move to a new place and make some new friends. Friendship will find you if you are willing.
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Old 07-26-21, 08:16 AM
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Wife and I are considering it.

I guess the biggest difference would be that as a family unit of the 4 of us, there are some things nearby we do like doing together. We've our routine of local park trails after a weekend coffee, the local joints we like to eat at together, etc.....

"moving out" we'd not really have that stuff. Where we'd go has stuff, but it's all chain restaurants and long drives to parks and such. Friends or not there's value in that kind of stuff. It's a tough "valuation" to try to make. We'll see where it ends up.
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Old 07-26-21, 09:33 AM
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I hate people. The only loyal creatures are cats and that is debatable lol.
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Old 07-26-21, 09:52 AM
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Social isolation is a condition of suburbia.
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Old 07-26-21, 10:16 AM
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The wife and I are going "over the hill" and our children are grown, at least by the measure of age if not responsibility. This is a discussion that we have had with both of them extensively since they were old enough to understand.

In school you have this veritable boat load of "friends". Almost immediately after high school 3/4 or more of those "friends" will drop away and aside from social media likely won't see or hear from them again. Within a few short years of being out of school you will be lucky to be in touch with a handful of them.

I have come to find over the years that even as you age, one tends to have "work acquaintances". Further to say that in many cases you learn these people may or may not have alternative motivation for being friendly. Even further to find that often they are just looking for information to use to get ahead of you in the work place. So, with that said you have to be very selective. It is super rare for these type of "friends" to be in touch much longer than you don't work together.

As I have gotten even older many of the people whom I had called friends drifted away. Things like children, other family, career, location (home, etc.) play a part and these people you once considered friends are just strangers you keep track of.

Social media changed many of the traditional 'applications' (as it were) of what friendship is. I came to find out WHY I wasn't in touch with many of those folks and let it go. Additionally as someone above pointed out...you come across "friends" with similar interest and might seem like you are "good friends" right up until one or the other/both don't participate in the activity and find you have nothing else left in common.

Shortly after high school I had what I would have considered, at that time, to have a handful of friends. By the time I was in my late 40's I was to a point where I had two true friends. One of them is my wife. At this point (I will be 51 this year) I have one friend I consider true, and one other person I have known for years that simply refuses to be chased off. I don't have the patience or the desire to go out and work to be friendly with people any longer. It's a lot of work to be "friends" with people.
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Old 07-26-21, 11:01 AM
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Yeah, with all this it starts coming down to a list of things we routinely do and what would be different if we moved. A literal pro cons and value mapping exercise.

I think the answer short term is see what opportunities present themselves for the wife when grad school is up.........and if one does..........sell and cash out and move to affordable place near that.
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Old 07-26-21, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by burnthesheep View Post
Yeah, with all this it starts coming down to a list of things we routinely do and what would be different if we moved. A literal pro cons and value mapping exercise.

I think the answer short term is see what opportunities present themselves for the wife when grad school is up.........and if one does..........sell and cash out and move to affordable place near that.
Both my wife's and my "best friend" live out of state. We call regularly and keep up that way. Prior to this past year we all visited a couple of times a year where possible.
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Old 07-26-21, 11:42 AM
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I'm saddened reading this thread. I love people but also my alone time, so I've always got the idea that I'm on the less social end of the scale. I would prefer to have more close friends than I do, but I'm extra glad to have them now that I'm reading this.
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Old 07-26-21, 11:54 AM
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My best friends are fuzzy and have four legs. My second best friends perform photosynthesis. Sometimes the best friends eat the second best friends.
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Old 07-26-21, 12:23 PM
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My definition of a close friendship is one that has a strong sense of trust and stability. I find it very helpful to have a few people outside my family that I trust unconditionally. People I can be honest, open, vulnerable, and just..free with. While I am not saying that casual friends are not important, they are, but I think it is important to really think about who we trust and not just who we know.but then I am more of a quality over quantity woman.

I have a few friends that Id say are very closeone since childhood, two from grad school and two others that Ive known for a number of years now (one being the woman who owns the company i work for and is both a mentor and close friend). Those besides my wife, sister and my parents are all i need to feel blessed in having valuable people in my life and who I can be intimate, vulnerable and just myself with, especially during times of stress, sorrow or joy!!!
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Old 07-26-21, 07:23 PM
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I've got siblings and their offspring near me, those are the only people who I know are dependable, and they know I am too. All my current workmates are 'iffy' at best (they'd sell me out in a heartbeat to get ahead), and after having 11 jobs since graduating college most of those persons eventually moved away or just gradually vanished. I did have one reliable workmate I had kept in touch with for two decades, we did a lot of mountain climbing together, but he died in 2019.
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Old 07-26-21, 07:48 PM
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I love hard rock and heavy metal which suits me great since long ago I gave the middle finger to society and a double middle finger to my snobby relatives. It’s natural to want to be liked but if you don’t like me I don’t care. Living in a rural area with lineage of the founding families can be irritating because they try to get into your business too much. I can be a bit of a devil if I know a person hates me I will go down the same aisle in the grocery store and be super nice and polite to them. The responses can be amusing at times Sometimes I will say relax I’m a retired rowdy azz seriously retired lol. I actually bird watch and I love it.
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Old 07-26-21, 11:34 PM
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I've outlived most folks I was closest to. Distance and time separated a few other close friends. Irreconcilable differences due to our increasingly divisive society put the final nails in the coffins of a couple other friendships.

After a certain point I can't pretend it's okay to maintain a close friendship with someone whose views on critical issues are so radically different from mine. I'd rather just let that relationship drift apart than make some sort of pompous pronouncement or declare the relationship is over. I'm not going to declare it's my way or the highway. I just stopped communicating or responding. Seemed better than making a careless, hurtful reply to their assertions that seem incomprehensible to me.

TBH, I'm no longer looking to replace those lost close relationships. I have several friends and many acquaintances, mostly through cycling, the arts and similar interests. We get together a couple of times a month. I enjoy their company. I hope it's mutual.

But nowadays I prefer to spend more time on my own. I can go days or weeks without seeing another human and I'm fine with that. Pesky health issues over the past several years made it increasingly difficult to keep up with social obligations. I got tired of making excuses for not attending parties, invitations, etc. If anyone presses me, I just tell them I'll do my best to show up, but please don't be offended if I don't make it. So far, so good. It tends to keep people at arm's length, but we seem to be okay when we are able to get together.
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Old 07-27-21, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by canklecat View Post
TBH, I'm no longer looking to replace those lost close relationships.
This is kind of where I'm at as well. Its almost like I've had my day in the sun, and now its time to relax and reflect.
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Old 07-27-21, 06:29 AM
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I have two or three stand out acquaintances…we can go some time without connecting…then we will touch base, then we’re good…it seems we value our mornings and early evening times alone and are busy-ish in between…their significant others, projects, daily life upkeep, demand their share of that in between time, too…just have to accept it…probably wouldn’t be aquatinted without the common denominator…bikes/bicycles…
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Old 07-27-21, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by J.Higgins View Post
This is kind of where I'm at as well. Its almost like I've had my day in the sun, and now its time to relax and reflect.
You expressed it better than I did. My comments sounded a bit pessimistic. Not what I intended.

I've enjoyed some very special close friendships that I don't expect to repeat or replace. They're alive in my memories.

I've seen other people desperately trying to replace lost spouses, lovers, friends and pets. It rarely works out as they'd hoped.

If another close relationships comes my way, that's fine. But I'm not looking for replacements or substitutes for those I've had before. That feels disrespectful to those previous relationships. And I'm not sure I have the energy to foster those kinds of relationships anymore.

Oddly, that includes pets. I've fostered and adopted many pets that were rejected or abandoned by other folks. I don't blame them. Pets often turn out to be more difficult than we'd expected or prepared for. But when we sold the old rural family home and I moved to the city to look after my mom as her dementia worsened, I decided not to adopt any more pets, at least not for awhile.

But my mom wasn't that type. She was always looking for replacements or substitutes for her beloved childhood pets. Sometimes it worked out. Usually it didn't. By the time she died she'd adopted three cats that she could barely take care of. Well.. they're mine now. One is 16 or so, and surprisingly healthy for her age, although some days she seems a bit befuddled. Hard to tell with Siamese cats, which are among the most eccentric characters. And I like having them around. Sometimes things work out their own way, regardless of our plans and intentions.
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Old 07-27-21, 07:02 AM
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I can count on one hand the people that I consider close friends. I've always been pretty much a loner, so I sometimes go long periods without seeing these friends. When we do get together, however, it's usually like little or no time has passed since last we got together.

I have at least one friend that I am almost completely diametrically opposed to on political/social issues, but we get along well, nonetheless. We have just agreed to disagree on certain issues. I have a couple of friends that seem to like to get together and constantly rehash stories of "the good old days," which I mostly find boring and pointless, but eventually we can get past that.

My closest friend, who I have known for 33 years, lives about an hour away from me, after having recently returned from living on the other side of the country. We talk and text pretty frequently, but still haven't gotten together since he's been back.

My best friend is my wife. We have been together 32 years now, and while we have had our share of rough patches in the past, we get along great and completely "get" each other. Before we got together (in our early 20s), I had a few platonic females friends, one of whom I still keep in touch with sporadically, but of course the dynamic has changed with life, spouses, kids, jobs, etc.

I have only one friend from high school that I still keep in touch with, and she is actually coming for a visit next month. Bonus that my wife actually likes her, too, which wasn't always the case.
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Old 07-27-21, 07:28 AM
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After school and then marriage, my friends and I drifted apart rather quickly. I have long since had only one close friend who I discuss deeply personal matters and do things with. Not just martial arts training (how we met) but all sorts of outings and life events. Weve been together almost 30 years. Its not that I havent tried to make new friends, but inviting coworkers or fellow bike group members / martial arts practitioners to other stuff never ends up going far.

My understanding is women are better at keeping close friends than men are. This certainly is true for my wife of 38 years. Even though she is retired, she still maintains contact with a group of friends from work that she meets up with regularly. Even though I get along great with many at my workplace, I doubt Ill have that connection when I retire. Im both concerned about it and ok with it.
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Old 07-27-21, 08:03 AM
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The pandemic has strained a lot of relationships. In 2020 I went about six months without seeing the folks I usually joined for casual rides about once a week. When the data indicated the risk was lower for outdoor activities with a few people, I'd join them about once a month. But due to an autoimmune disorder I've had for 20 years, my symptoms often mimicked many symptoms of COVID. So I'd often skip rides and socializing out of precaution to avoid infecting anyone else.

Perhaps the biggest strain wasn't the separation and isolation, but realizing how some friends had polar opposite views of the pandemic. Due to my background in health care, journalism, and occupational safety and health, I just saw the whole mess as a repeat of previous pandemics, including those my parents and grandparents told me about. Annoying, inconvenient, a strain on finances and relationships, but nothing more. It was a bit of shock to see some folks whom I know are highly intelligent fall for the paranoid conspiracies. My efforts to dispel those rumors seem to have driven a wedge between us, even though I tried to present the facts in a neutral way.

And it wasn't a "political" thing. The family and friends who bought into the wildest conspiracies had equally wildly differing backgrounds, politics and cultural views. They ranged from far right to far left, from rednecks to hippie types. I could only conclude that they all share equally valid concerns about deception, because the public have been deceived before on certain critical issues, ranging from health to war to politics to the economy. So I don't blame them for being suspicious about the pandemic. I'm just frustrated that they seemed persistently resistant to verifiable facts.

But it has been difficult to maintain those relationships, and I'm not sure some of them can be salvaged. On the plus side, one friend did call me a couple of weeks ago. We had only a couple of minutes to chat, since he was working. But it was a good sign.
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