Bob Dopolina 

A Little background.

My son will be 5 in a few months. He has been learning in-line skating for the last 6 months. He coach is a member of the National Team.

My son had his first 2 races today. It was his first time on an actual banked oval (causing one fall) and his first race of any kind. He finished 4th and 5th in his two races.

Now I've played a few sports and had some success. I'm certainly no superstar and figured that out years ago but that doesn't mean that, as a father, I don't think my son will be if he has the right training and opportunities.

It is also VERY important to note that the last things I said to him before his races were "Never give up even if you are last" and " what ever happens just have fun - if it stops being fun we'll go for ice-cream."

He did have fun and even when he fell we all had a laugh and he laughed too and got up and continued even though he was well out of it by then. All in all the day was fun for him and his coach said he did very well considering that the kids he was racing against had more experience than him.

None of this is a problem.

The problem is me. My son wanted to win and I wanted him to as well. It was clear early in the first race that he just didn't have the aggressiveness that I saw in other kids in his race. It's not that he isn't competitive by nature but I didn't see that instinct today.

Now, I also think that there were so many new things and so many distractions today that he was just having fun and the other kids were simply better than him and that his competitive nature will emerge once he's had more experience but, as a parent, that is all pretty new to me.

I guess my point or question is related to how people who still compete deal with their children who begin to compete and how you manage your children's successes and...their lack of success.

I'm not even sure if I'm articulating this well enough but I'd be interested to hear what others in my position have to say.

Juan Foote

Your son is five, sorry four. Lower YOUR expectations and the rest will come if he has the skill and ability to make it happen. You have plenty of time, don't worry.

echappist

it's obvious that you need to read this



don't worry, unlike the States where calling your child "garbage" will land you in the office of Child Protection services, your harsh words will be viewed as exemplary parenting in Taiwan

wphamilton

Bob, personally I am hyper-competitive but I think it's largely irrelevant at that age. They'll train because they like it, they like the achievements and because we want them to. The compelling will to win comes later.

david58

I coached soccer from U-little through high school varsity, and refereed the same age groups. What I saw and heard......

My experience was this: Kid1 was big, strong, and almost fast. Natural abilities in baseball, basketball, and soccer. Kid 2 was not so big, not so strong, and not so fast. Natural abilities there as well.

But I realized that in reality - I mean a REAL LIVE REVELATION - that my kids would not be pros, and would not get scholarships to play in college. But they loved to play. They LOVED to play.

And who were they playing for? Not me. But they played because they loved the game they played.

That really helped me lay off. That also helped me realize that they had the right to fail, and I had to let that happen out on the field and let the coaches deal with it. NOT ME. The kids had to learn how to respond to another authority, and that for that hour and a half practice session or game, I was delegating part of my parenting to that coach (and by doing so actually parenting better).

Let the kids have the game. If the miraculous happens, rejoice. But more importantly let them learn to love a game that they can take into adulthood, a passion for sport and activity that will keep them healthy for life.

And, take a look at the stats put out by the NCAA on odds of being a scholarship or pro athlete in NCAA sanctioned sports. REEEEAL small odds at best. But you'd be amazed how many D1 level players I coached in high school, if you asked their dads (ended up with exactly 0). In fact, one player's dad is still convinced I derailed his college career (my ex-professional assistant coach actually had issues with my playing the kid as much as I did!).

Let the kid PLAY. Never fail to tell him you love him. Never fail to support him. Always let HIM process the game. Stand by his coach's decisions. Did I say let him have fun and make sure he knows you love him?

More valuable than ANY world championship.

david58

We hosted a boy for three years of high school who was from Taiwan. The Taiwanese have some very interesting concepts of how to parent. How in the world all the kids aren't totally screwed up from that country, I have no idea...

Based on my experiences with Asian kids as a coach, there are some very damaged kids that come from this parenting technique common to Taiwan, China, Korea, etc. My sample is limited to some dozens, but sheesh....

DropDeadFred

tell him to HTFU and enroll him in some crossfit classes

or this https://youtu.be/ZAnounv-I7s

hope you guys speak german

AdelaaR

David, that is really nicely said there.
Bob, you already realise that your expectations aren't good for you nor you kid.
I advise you to practice the way of the Taoist, hereby freely transcribed by me as:
"Never expect anything but take everything as it comes and react instinctively on it as long as it feels good inside"

RacerOne

8 year old just did his first two cyclocross races. In the first one he was the only one signed up for the kids race which would have been half a lap. Not wanting to race alone he jumped into the 11-14 year old group which was a full 30 minutes on the course. So he went against some pretty big kids on cross and mountain bikes on his little BMX. He rocked the course for the full 30 minutes, long past what I thought he would do.. it was awesome, and he came in last. No matter, all he could talk about was doing it again. Let them do what they want to do, just don't let them do nothing.

pdedes

adults take the fun out of play.

Gluteus

Maybe skating is not his strength.
Maybe today wasn't his best day.

Too soon to tell. Don't sweat it.

learnmedia

Well said. As far as managing expectations, I believe that you should expect only that your children will enjoy whatever the activity and do their best in the moment.

KiuBWhy

Foolicious?

banerjek

I'm not in your position, but if you want him to stay out there year after year, it's better if winning isn't a major part of the motivation.

Success is about achieving something worthwhile, and winning or losing has nothing to do with that. Unless you are an elite athlete, there is always an entire group of people who can totally hand your ass to you. So if you do win, it's only because you participate in activities that make you look competitive. Likewise, there are plenty of athletes in every sport who never win, yet who somehow manage to earn the respect of those who show better results.

My personal opinion is people who put too much emphasis on winning have trouble dealing with getting their butts kicked -- which is what a lot of real life involves. Much better to just do what you do and not worry so much about external validation.

DropDeadFred

yup you can kiss that in-line skating college scholarship good bye! No olympics, no endorsements, no wimminz

back4more

My son is a grown young man now and I found it to be frustrating throughout his growing to motivate him without crushing him - there seems to be a fine line between the two. I coached and participated in everything they needed me for. My son was a reasonable athlete but did not have the same work ethic I had. An example being when he did not make the golf team his freshman year - I would have been out hitting balls untill my hands bled until the next year so i could be at my best to make a new run at it. He was more emotionally crushed that he did not make the team.

I guess what I am saying the hope and the trick has to be to know - to really know your child and be able to adjust your parenting and motivational style to match what they need. My hope is that I can be insightful enough to see what my son needs not what I want him to be and then provide that. My goal as a parent was to provide opportunities and then suppost in order that he could untimately choose and be successful.

As a side note since College he has completely become a focused, dedicated athlete that is a top competitor and it really didn't seem to take my motivation but rather an intrensic thing that he decided on his own when he was ready.

JohnJ80

Exactly right. It comes to each in different ways and you can't instill it. It's the old "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" thing.

My kids are top competitors in alpine ski racing. They ski because they love it and competing on the team thing is part of that love. That all comes to them on their own, you can only support it when it arrives.

J.

surgeonstone

He is just a little kid. Let it be play and don't compare him to others. It's too beautiful a time to put our expectations on them.

chadteck

My only concern here is that he is competing in an inline-skate race, rather than a bicycle race. Get him a little BMX bike and let him ride it for fun for a few years, then worry about racing if he enjoys riding and is good at it.

colombo357

I used to kick my son in the nuts when he lost races. I felt bad because he ended up getting cancer in that area, but he ended up winning 7 TDFs nevertheless.

ntjp

I also have a son (and a daughter). He's older than yours (10), and he's tried a few sports but never gotten into any seriously yet. I never have given it a thought. When he isn't aggressive enough (he wasn't at football), I just thought he's not interested in that - mustn't be his thing. He's a bright lad and I think he will do well, but I'm very content to let him find his own way.

Don't be one of these sport obsessed Dad's who push their children (even though they might feel they are not really). You will put him off. I know this - I've seen it happen.

Jed19

My son just turned 19. What was important to me when he was very young was to always remind him how much work very successful athletes put into their endeavor. I did not push him to be a super athlete, but since competitive athletics was something he liked, he did hear from me thru verbalisation and showing him sport features on athletes that have strong work ethic. He is now playing college football, but truth be told, I could care less, though I support him by attending all his games.

One thing that he knows is that I put much more emphasis on his academic achievements than his football exploits. And, for starters, 4/5years old is too young for you to be worried about him. Always tell him to do the very best he can and every other piece is gonna fall in line.

MrTuner1970

He's just four, dude. Let him grow up.

Sixty Fiver

The little dopper is only 4... it is his job to be having fun.

rooftest

A four year old competitive fruit-booter?

I agree with some of the above commenters - you don't need to worry about it when he's this young. You'll have plenty of time to assault his coaches/refs when he's a teenager.