dlscycling

Good evening, afternoon, morning! Wherever you all are I hope you are having a wonderful day.

This is going to be a lot of writing and reading, but I want you guys to have the whole story that way you can give me some advise.


Post: I'm really sorry about my writing skills, English is not my first language.


As the title says I need your guys help to know what to do, I've been cycling for almost a year and I love it. I've never been to any race just regular XC riding and ligh trails being that said, I love what I do everytime I go out for a ride on my hardtail every single discomfort I felt goes away and I just feel amazing whenever I get in my bike and take the road. Before I tell you what my issue is to see if anyone can give me some advise let me tell you a little bit about myself.


I'm 29 years and used to play baseball (pitcher), my is heigth 195cm 209 pounds. I know how demanding and time consuming sports can be also any other hobby, but the only thing I do besides being at home is working working and cycling. I currently work from home which makes it easier for me.


This is what is happening, I'm in a sort of relationship with a (don't judge me) 56 years old women which I've known and loves for almost 9 years it has been quite a challenge with her mainly because we don't live in the same country, but we are together(somehow). We have encountered many issues and the latest one concerns cycling, we decided for the third time to finally get married and live together,now she never liked the fact that I bought a mountain bike because I could have had used the money to buy a car that way when she visits me every 2 or 1 year we could had a mean of transportation and she wouldn't have to take the bus, train or whatever mean of transportation is available, but the car which I didn't buy so she got mad.


Since I bought my mountain bike she always thinks that I go out to make out with women or to have fun with women which I don't because that not the type of individual I'm, now that we have decided to get married in a year and I will be living with her for the rest of my life(which I would love) we have been arguing about my cycling life, if I will continue riding after I moved with her while which I always say yes, and she doesn't like that.


A few of the things she said are the following:


You will come here to only have fun in your bike and I will be the one that will take care of cleaning your clothes.


If you come with me you will not have time to do that because you will be working and people that work here(New York) don't have time for that.


Will you ride your bike in the winter? People don't do that while is snowing.


If you will come here to keep having fun, you better stay where you are.


and many other things, I don't really know if I should continue the path in taking of just give up cycling and give her what she wants


​​​​​​Me working then being with her, working going out with her and not doing anything that I like just the things she feels comfortable with. One thing that happened today that made me asked for help was that I told her that I was looking into competing a XC race here in my country and I was excited about it and instead of encourage me she argued about my cycling life and that that I only think about cycling which will be the same if I go where she is after we get married and that I should stay where I'm if that's what I will do. I couldn't really say nothing and I don't know what to do that's why I need some advise.

Russ Roth

Not a fun one, does she just dislike the bike riding or will it be the same with any sport. If you take up bowling, kayaking, skiing, running, whatever; will she still have the same complaint that you're just using it to get out of the house to meet other people? If so the issue isn't the sport its her own insecurities and mistrust and that will never go away. That also is not a way for a person to live, you can not be expected to give up the things that make you happy just to suit her. Marriage is a give and take, it requires supporting each others endeavors and trusting each other that you or her can leave the house without cheating. The fact that she keeps pointing to that would make me more suspicious of what she is doing as well, too often people see flaws and failures in others that they have in themselves. You also should not expect you to move the NYC and just work you're whole life away. If you move here, there's MTB riding at Cunningham in Queens, and over a dozen different places on the island. Being in Manhattan would also put you a train ride from several places to the north as well as multiple bike paths that you can ride for hours. My kids and I will be happy to show you some if you make it here. Personally I'd be wary of entering into marriage with these kinds of issues.

downtube42

This isn't a bike problem, this is a relationship problem.

I think we're the wrong people.

I will continue bicycling as long as I am physically able; at that time I will buy a trike. My wife knows this, accepts it, and deals with it. Otherwise we would not be married.

mstateglfr 

You live in a different country, only see each other once a year, yet she only thinks you are hooking up with women when you ride your bike?

Nope, too absurd to spend time on.

MarcusT

Try co-habitation first and keep biking, before you run into the mess of paperwork.
Then see if you want to keep both or want to get rid of one

phughes

Why would you post on a bicycle forum regarding relationship advice? Your issues have nothing to do with bicycles.

Oh, and is her name Katelyn, and does she live in Budapest?

SurferRosa

Yes, young cyclist, this older womans does not like the mountain bike, eh? But she like something else, yes? You give her what she like, yes? Once a year, maybe twice, you give this womans what she need, and she give you freedom to bicycle on mountain, yes? Then you get strong and big of calves and she start to fear you. Maybe one day she hit you with frying pan and you will need bicycle more than you know. Yes?

​​​​​​

TiHabanero

This is one for Dear Abby.

Dear discycling, you are about to make a huge mistake. Your girlfriend is a nut, and you both need counseling. Drop her like a hot rock, find girl where you live and have a real relationship.

dlscycling

I thank you for your words of advise and the time you took reading and writing back. Answering your first question, I do believe if I take any other hobby, it would be the same. If it means that I will spend more time doing it than being with her .

I love what I do, it makes me happy and it's the only hobby I have which I don't want to and the decision I have to make is putting too much stress on me. There are many other issues in place, but this is the one that has more weight to my life, I'm not desperate to move to NYC, I'm fine where I'm I have a great job, I have a quiet life and I do something that makes me happy (really happy), I just wanted to share a life with the woman I've loved for a long time and it's difficult for me to stop doing that, but I also love cycling. Again, I thank you for the time you took to write everything I appreciate every single word and I will make a choice a life of joy, happiness great moments and the open road and mountains or (that's empty space mena's nothing).

dlscycling

Honestly every single reply has helped me which is why I'll reply to each one😆😆🚴!

I think the best people that will be able to understand, give me advise in this is the people that share a common interests in this case cycling.

dlscycling

Hopefully I will be able to use my legs to block the frying pan, leg block 😆😆

dlscycling

I did it because is my cycling life that is at stake and nooooo her name is not Kathelyn and I'm glad I don't know her😁😁

ARider2

Dr. Phil where are you? This one may belong in foo.

Maelochs

Human interaction is complicated.

If you two don't have trust and don't accept and support each other completely and fully .... you don't have a marriage.

You need to think through your life, not just your cycling.

bruce19

Agreed. And, as such, all you will get here is opinion based on individual experience. You need something else.

Herzlos

That's a whole lot of red flags completely unrelated to cycling. You're talking about marrying a woman twice your age from another country who you see once or twice a year?
Then she's taking a dislike to your hobby and accuses you of cheating because you didn't buy a car?

Ignoring the fact that you couldn't buy and run a car for anything close to what a mountain bike would cost (unless it's very high end), even if you were to give up the cycling she'd find another problem, and so on.

As an older guy who dated a similar lady years back, run for the hills.
My wife encourages my hobby and her only concern is about my safety.

Maelochs

Marriage can be tough ... but if before marriage a person shows inflexibility, jealousy, mistrust, a controlling mindset, and an unwillingness to accept his or her partner however he or she is .... that is a bad relationship. Sorry, but that is exactly what makes for a very unhealthy relationship. The views you claim your proposed bride expresses are irrational and unhealthy. She needs a lot of help herself to get on an even keel. And you don't need to be spending the rest of your life trying to accommodate an unreasonable person---in my opinion.

Maybe this is your karma and you are simply doomed to a life of unhappiness with an unbalanced woman. I don't know.

I do know that I would tell Anyone, man or woman, not even to Date a person with those personality traits---- I know this because I Have, on many occasions, told people to avoid such relationships or to get out of such relationships when they were in them. Distrust, jealousy, possessiveness, and a need to control are all hallmarls of a person who needs a Lot of self-reflection and self-cultivation.

Forget cycling. Imagine that you cannot have any friends, cannot leave the house ever for any reason unless she goes with you, and even when you go out with her she is always accusing you of infidelity---accuses you of looking at other women, sending invisible signals, flirting ... even when all you do is stare at your wife. if that is the life you want, go for it.

Honestly sir, and I say this with the greatest compassion---YOU need to grow up a whole lot before you consider marrying anyone. If you do not have a strong sense of self, and do not have your own life to live, then you cannot bring anything worthwhile to a relationship.

That said, there are a lot of weak, sick people in co-dependent relationships, each enabling the other's worse aspects and slowly destroying each other, living in increasing misery until both simply rot and die. If that is your goal, no problem. It is your life, do as you see fit.

Phil_gretz

I would add to this ^ that maybe you should focus more on your own maturity and renewed perspective on your future life. Maybe individual counseling to go over everything? Spend the money and effort to (with help) become the person you were meant to be.

Thomas15

You might not know this but the cost of living in NYC is a bit high so whatever it is you do for a living unless it is counting your money full time is going to dictate that you work much and have little time to do anything besides work. And I know there are a bunch of BF members living and riding in NYC and will say some positive things about it but that particular part of the world is not what I personally would call bike friendly as I would define the term. I live about 100 miles west of NYC, have family that live there and would never in a million years consider living there. But that is just me. I seriously doubt that anyone who has lived in north east Pennsylvania, moved to NYC would say that it was an enhancement to their bicycle riding life but search hard enough and you will find someone that will say anything. No offence to BF members living in NYC.

But having said all that to ask the question(s) is to answer them and you discycling apparently are not satisfied with the obvious answers, so given that I think you should do exactly as the little lady says.

icemilkcoffee 

I don't like to break up anyone's relationship, but this woman seems to be very jealous of you having fun in general, and not just cycling. She sounds like a bitter and unhappy woman who will only drag you down to her level.

blacknbluebikes 

people don't change

ClydeClydeson

When I was reading the post and you got to the point where you said 'she is concerned because..." and I thought, 'doesn't want you to get hurt', then you said '...thinks I am meeting other women'. WHoa! Red flag! Mistrust and jealousy because you are riding your bike?

I am sure I am not the first to tell you this, but the age difference between you might be a signal that something else is wrong. A 29 year old is just starting their life, finding a steady career, maybe starting a family. A 56 year old is usually at the tail end of that stage of life. It is possible that you are not compatible at all, but haven't figured it out because you are long-distance. Her jealousy and mistrust may be a sign that she is emotionally immature, which could also be why she seeks a man half her age. She has a right to find love and to be happy, but not if you need to change every aspect of your self and life to fit it - it's not your job. There are a lot more people out there who might make her more comfortable in a relationship, or that she has more in common with.

The same goes for you - I am guessing that if you want a long-term relationship with someone almost twice your age that you don't want children, and that's fine, but if you do, or aren't sure, then dedicating your life to a relationship with this woman will be lost time you won't be able to get back.
Furthermore, I am sure you are a lovely thoughtful and intelligent person, but you have to wonder what a 56 year old sees in a 29 year old - yes, a firm body to keep warm at night, but being at such different stages in your lives, this type of relationship usually starts when one or both partners are dissatisfied with something, or are lacking something emotionally. IF it was an older man and younger woman, I would usually assume a man in a mid-life crisis or a man-child, and a young woman with 'daddy issues' (no strong father figure so they seek a father figure in a romantic partner). Is it possible that one of these relates to your situation?

Anyhoo, I don't know you or your lady, so it's quite likely I am wrong, and I wish you all the best!

Lots of love,
Clyde

SurferRosa

Yes, young mountain boy, you get good vise and put old lady arm in it with much firmness and say, "listen to me, sagging woman! I not use mountain bicycle for salacious act against your strange love! I use bicycle to conquer mountain ... and maybe take goat to bazaar to trade for tv so we have entertaining fellowship after quiet supper time." She either lose arm or understand she not come between boy and mountain, maybe both. Yes?

Flip Flop Rider

if she is saying it's me or the bike (I'm summarizing here), choose the bike

Reynolds 

Reminds me of a neighbor who started cycling at about 24, his girlfriend was so afraid he might cheat on her that she went out cycling with him, in spite of she hating it. This guy was not a cheater, he was really honest about that.
They finally split, 2 years after he married a cyclist girl (that he knew after leaving his GF) and they have 2 children.
He says now that continuing with his GF would have been a BIG mistake.