mswantak

Yeah, it’s me – the bad penny has turned up again. I know a lot of you are thoroughly p*ssed off with me, and rightly so. Whether you’re one of those or not, you’re part of my extended family and deserve an explanation why I fell off the planet several months ago.

Twenty-one years ago I started doing methamphetamine. Like anyone who ends up with a substance abuse problem, it began innocently enough; I didn’t get up one morning and say, “I think I’ll become a drug addict.”, but I did. It starts out being fun, then it becomes fun but with some problems. Then it’s a problem that’s still fun, and eventually it’s just a problem. Over the years I accomplished a lot of things in the company of meth that I’m still proud of, but unfortunately I can’t remember how I did a lot of it. That’s one of the big rubs; if you don’t sleep you don’t lock in short-term memories. Then there’s the health and financial concerns, and yada, yada, yada. You’ve all heard this part before and I won’t bore you with it.

I kept on for quite a while, rationalizing that I couldn’t afford the time it would take to get well; I couldn’t keep up the decal business and probably couldn’t even flip bikes while I tried to get cleaned up. Eventually I came to the realization I couldn’t do anything if I was dead (rocket science, huh?), and one day I just decided I couldn’t do it any longer. I stopped answering the phone, I stopped answering e-mail, I pretty much crawled into a hole and pulled it in behind me. But I stopped doing meth, too.

I could’ve – and should’ve – done it with more class; I left a lot of people hanging. I should’ve told you guys what was happening but I couldn’t. It’s pretty hard to admit to yourself you’ve got a problem, let alone tell anyone else – even though they may have already figured it out. I was ashamed; I couldn’t face up to talking about it, and was afraid if I did and fell off the wagon it would only be worse. I’ve slipped a couple times, and while I don’t take anything for granted I’m at a point now where I think I may finally have the upper hand.

It hasn’t been pleasant. I couldn’t get out of bed for several weeks, and once I did I was thick as a plank. It’s hard to explain the appeal of meth to someone who hasn’t had experience with it; it’s very seductive. It’ll light your neocortex up like you wouldn’t believe. I could figure out how to rid my computer of spyware without the benefit of Google; I could pick up a guitar and play a song I hadn’t thought of in 20 years. It’s really easy to become accustomed to being smarter than you really are, and really hard to get used to being dumber than you were on drugs. I can get out of bed and function now; I’ve built a couple bikes, but it took a looooooong time. It’s kind of like the world’s longest hangover with no idea how long it’ll last.

Dope didn’t kill Velographic, though; it only drove in the last nail. Without my own production equipment I could never control quality, costs, or delivery times to the degree I felt necessary to ensure good service, a good product, and a reasonable price. I’m sure any number of people could’ve made it work, but it turned out to be beyond my modest abilities as a businessman. It all started with my old Raleigh and bigbossman’s Mondia, and I never dreamed it would try to grow into a business, but it did and along the way I was privileged to get to know the greatest bunch of people anyone could want to meet.

What to do then, to make things right if I can. I’ve let a lot of folks down; my wife, my friends, and the vintage bike community. Money’s tight, I have no means of production, but I can still draw and the Velographic library is intact. I don’t expect everyone to just let bygones be bygones – that wouldn’t be the fair or right way to treat people that have become my friends and teachers the past few years. Those of you that were left with paid jobs hanging, contact me; we’ll work something out. To everyone else, Velographic may be toast, but I’d still like to make a contribution to the community however I can, even if it’s by getting lost.

Mike

dbakl

Thanks for the brave post.

USAZorro

Sounds like you've been down a really rough road. Hopefully it's all behind you now.

PastorBob - here's you cue to drag out the sermon about the Prodigal Son.

pastorbobnlnh 

Mike,

Honest confession is not easy. It feels as if you have put it all out there on the e-table. I appreciate the explanation and my prayer for you and your family is that you live a sober life for the rest of your days.

I personally don't harbor a grudge, but I would not be honest if I didn't tell you that I was angry with you for a few weeks last spring. That being said, I don't want my money back. What you could do for me is design a set of decals for a deserving C&V member at no charge.

Welcome back.

Rabid Koala

Mike, thanks for the explanation and all the best in your recovery. Hopefully if you were determined enough to beat the addiction, you are strong enough to not to relapse.

That took some guts to post. I am glad you did it.

And I agree with Pastor Bob. I am not concerned about my money.

CV-6 

Glad you are holding your demons at bay now. Glad to see you among the living again.

Yogurt

Addiction sucks. (Incredible understatement.) I'm too new to have been offended by you, but holy crap do I hope you never do it again.

luker

wow. dude. I have a little tiny bit of understanding, here. Congratulations, and keep with it. It only gets better.

ricohman

I truly hope you don't believe you were "smarter" on meth and that you will be "dumber" now that your not.
Your intelligence cannot be enhanced by meth, but meth users seem to feel that way. Its just a symptom of the drug.

Little Darwin

Welcome back Mike...

I'm kind of glad I never followed through with any of my thoughts of commissioning decals from you. But, in spite of my lack of personal involvement, as part of the group, I was hurt by your actions indirectly. And although you never hurt me directly, I accept your apology.

I never did meth, but I can tell you that I remember having some brilliant ideas while doing acid, and can't remember what the ideas were, but they sure seemed brilliant at the time. I thought for a while that Timothy Leary was really on to something, but now I know that in the case of acid, it is definitely an illusion.

I quit taking acid while I still continued to do other drugs for one reason. I realized that I liked it way too much. I could envison myself really wasting my life for the sake of that one drug... It took me a while longer to realize how wasteful other drugs were, but I am confident that my decision on acid saved my life. Make sure your decision about meth does the same for you.

As someone with an addictive personality, and also a psychological drive to withdraw when things get tough, I can understand some of your issues.

Above all, don't do it again!!!! Whether meth or anything else, never do anything without considering what negative things it can have on your life, and those around you.

Again, welcome back.

Mariner Fan

Hi Mike,

I still have the Trek decals that you made for me. I'm saving them for the bike when I finally decide how to fix it up.

Sorry about your substance abuse problem. Sounds tough as hell.

To be honest, I'm glad you wrote us. I always wondered what happened to you since my experience with Velographics was a good one.

old_alfie

Well that's nice and it's wonderful that several of the early responders can be magnanimous and forgiving.

I can be publicly honest also Mike, I don't feel forgiving toward you. You willfully took and kept $60 of my money, money for which quite frankly, I had to prioritize some semi-necessities of life into the background to send you. The worst part is that the decals were for another person's bike, a person needier than I so in my case, the emotional loss was well up there with the financial loss. Apparently by trusting you I screwed myself while being a good samaritan.

Do the rest of bikedom a favor and don't go offering your services again.
alf

Roll-Monroe-Co

Mike-

Like Little Darwin, I never did business with you, but I still felt hurt and upset seeing seeing the community hurt. I always thought that what happened with you here in the C&V forum didn't add up. You seemed like such a cool guy. It just didn't make sense. But what you say now does make sense.

I work in the substance abuse field, so I have the tiniest inkling of what you're talking about. Addiction is a severe and life threatening illness, not a moral failure. I'm familiar with the brain science of addiction, and with meth in particular. At some point, it wasn't you making the decisions any more. That's the horror of addiction.

Just being in charge of your day to day decision making again is a major accomplishment. Stay strong, man. I don't know what else to do, so I'll pray my agnostic prayer for you. And please, please, please get lots of sources of help and stay far away from people who deal and use.

While I still think you should pay people their money back if you ever can, if you had fallen into a coma, or had been diagnosed with advanced cancer and spent a year in the hospital, no one would still be thinking about their fifty bucks. They would be glad that you were alive.

That's certainly how I feel.

On the other hand, you might think about whether it's a good idea to try to re-start your business with people in this forum right away. Take some time to re-build your relationships. And I, for one, would not be offended if you posted in this thread periodically to update us on your recovery.

You're brave to be honest with us. Welcome back to the living, Mike, and to the community.

Eric

cuda2k

I agree with Eric that I found the sudden way things went south just didn't add up. Yes it will take time to even up with the community, to bury the hatchets and let the water flow under the bridge. But if you can take on and get the hand up on a decades long addiction then I wouldn't see making things right with the community one person at a time any more difficult. I wish you all the best of luck with taking things one day at a time.

nlerner

Addiction sucks, Mike, no matter the substance or habit or behavior. I'm glad you wrote and wish you well on your recovery.

Neal

Sammyboy

I'm glad to see you back, Mike. Regardless of the problems of Velographic, you were a helpful and interesting contributor to this board, and I think your willingness to try to put any problems right at this stage is all we can ask of you. I've had a couple of people I know, including my brother, emerge from under fairly heavy drug use, and it's always a good thing.

385xza

Welcome back Mike.

bigwoo

Welcome back Mike,
I'm glad that you are back and it looks like you put a lot of thought and time into posting an honest explanation.
Just remember that the greatest things happen in small steps over a long period of time, and if you just communicate w/ people in an open manner, you have got half of the battle licked.....

FWIW, I am super happy w/ the work you and Dr D did for the '71 SS:

https://

doglhunt

You've got courage and conscience.These may not be all you need to beat this thing but you can't come back without them.Hang on and hang with those who give you strength.I believe in the message of the Holy Bible.It has guided me through some very dark times, but that's a path for you to decide upon.Prayers for you........There is something better in life for you than you can imagine but drugs CAN'T be a part of your life anymore......It sounds like you've reached the crossroad and taken the right path. just don't go back.we need you on this side of life....sermon over Jerry

PBR Streetgang

That took a lot of courage, Mike. Best of luck to you.

Scooper

Mike,

Coming clean about your addiction in a public forum frequented by many whose trust you betrayed was both courageous and the right thing to do.

Welcome back, and I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Walter

That took guts even given the relative anonymity of the internet. You've committed no transgression against me personally so I can't offer a personal forgiveness. Those who were hurt personally will or will not do that as they see fit. I do however wish you the very best of luck with your continuing struggle.

Free advice (and probably worth the cost): People who felt/feel cheated cannot be made whole again all at once. Some will let go, some will not and you can't do an awful lot about that. You do however have an obligation to try. You've displayed guts by coming back like this, you'll have to display more by facing up to people your actions hurt. I don't think it would be a great idea to plunge back into the decal business.

All the best to you and I mean this most sincerely; Vaya con Dios.

lotek 

Mike,

Geez, that took some serious brass ones to post that, and I for one am thankful you did.
Welcome back old friend. I'm not going to preach, lecture or harrangue, but just say
I'm glad your back in the community, we'll see where it goes from here.
BTW, I rode the Zieleman today with the rainbow stripes you made me.

Marty

fender1

Mike,

Thank you for the explanation and apology. Like PB I got over being anrgy a long time ago and got the decals for my Paramount from Waterford. I appreciate the difficult road you have traveled and the even more diffiiccult road you still have to face. All is forgiven on my end and best wishes.

YoKev

My best to you.